i will make it through.

feeling torn, feeling weak

when you left me for another

i cried every night

wishing you'd come back

and come hold me tight

but now no more

i won't let me feel that way

thanks to you baby

i now feel stronger everyday

who needs you

i've been on my own before

it will be hard to start over

but i'll make it through

this i promise me

i will live this through

though bruised, beaten down and broken,

but, i'll make it through

make it through

there's no use in crying

for a person like you baby

karma will bite you back in turn

and when that happens

i'll be watching from afar

i know i'm better than this

stronger than this

wasting tears for you is not an option

so i shall move on

and forget you

and i will make it through!

p.s: this is for shu.

Adam.

Remember about the old man who was working as a dish washer at the hotel where I work? I haven’t seen him in over a month. But someone told me that he’d continue working again starting next month. Maybe he’s just getting a well-deserved rest after 3 months of hard labour.

This is another post about people working at the place I work. This is not a story about another old man. This is a story about a young guy. In fact, he is a year younger than I am. I talked to him before I went home in the locker room. He was lying down on a bench looking tired. I opened my locker and he woke up. He said he was sick. I smiled. Take some medicine when you get back home, I said. He said he’s chest is painful. He said he’s never been this sick.

So I looked at him, and told him, when you get back, take some medicine.

I was changing from my work clothes to my normal clothes and he was still sitting on the bench looking weak. After I was fully dressed, I sat next to him. Here’s an abstract what I know of him from the questions I asked.

“My name’s Adam. I’m 21 years old and I’m  Malay. I’m the 2^nd child in the family out of 5 siblings. I have an elder sister and 3 younger siblings. My sister, she’s married at the age of 16. She now has 3 children. The siblings below me are 18, 15 and 12 respectively. My family, we don’t have that much money. My dad’s a guard and my mom’s a full-time housewife. I dropped out of school when I was in form 3. After that, I started doing odd labours to keep myself occupied and earn some money. I once worked as a cleaner for 3 years and earned about rm380 from that each month. After that I worked at a restaurant and then now here I am, working in the hotel as a steward*. I dropped out of school because I don’t feel like studying anymore. Do I regret my decision? Yeah. Of course I do. I want to further my studies too but… (sigh). Do I have any dreams? My mom told me, not to dream too much because it will get me disappointed.”

Throughout our conversation, he kept on smiling. He coughed and he looked weak but a smile never faded from his face.

I told him, I’m like him too. I’m doing part-time because I need the money. He laughed and he said, same like me. Yes, it’s true. I’m not that different from him. Before I went back, I said to him, don't forget to take your medicine.

I’ve made a new friend. He opened my eyes. And yet again, I’m struck at how fortunate I have been in my life so far. Alhamdulillah.

p.s: Adam works as a steward at the hotel. Not the kind who serves food and gets a hefty pay, but the one who does the odd jobs around the hotel like washing the dishes, clearing the rubbish etc. It's a physically tiring job. 

remember, us?

those nights

when we'd be lying side by side

laughing at our own jokes

sharing smiles 

exchanging kisses

snugged comfortably in our own world

do you remember?

those tears

you'd share

those promises you've made

now they turn to dust

words that disappear into thin air

echoing in the distant past

never to be reclaimed again

what is, is now a was

what used to be us

gone with time.

those nights

when we'd stare at the stars

smiling away as the world turned

making promises

exchanging side way glances

buried six-feet in our own love

do you remember?

those tears

you'd share

those promises you've made

now they turn to dust

words that disappear into thin air

echoing in the distant past

never to be reclaimed again

what is, is now a was

what used to be us

gone with time.

do you remember?

don't you want to remember?

the way we were

what we shared

the things we did?

don't you want to go back

and do them all over again?

those tears

you'd share

those promises you've made

now they turn to dust

words that disappear into thin air

echoing in the distant past

never to be reclaimed again

what is, is now a was

what used to be us

gone with time.

now all gone

along with you

don't forget

please remember.

p.s: turn this into a song, please?

results.

the results of last semester's horrendous semester was emailed to me at 140am. i accidentally woke up from my sleep at 100am. my eyes were wide open the whole time though i was dead tired. i can't wait to see my results, i just can't. so i waited, and waited. then i decided to go back to bed when it was 130am then i got on my twitter and saw one of my friends' tweet. she said she could see hers. so i went to check for mine in my email.

i got mine too. at 140am.

so i frantically opened my email using my my mummy's already lagging broadband. i waited patiently for the email to load. then, it opened. then i scrolled down the email and looked at my pointer. i almost wanted to scream and burst out crying in happiness, agony and sadness.

the results were not as good as last semester's but it's nothing to be sad about really. i maintained my DL and last semester was one fucked up semester with all the dramas that happened it was really indeed a miracle really for me to get what i got. 

i'm thankful. really i am. the results showed more than just numbers. they showed me that i can indeed survive in the harshest of living conditions and environments and situations. i really thought i was not gonna get any DL this semester but i did. Alhamdulillah. 

the emotional and physical turmoil i went through last semester was bad, really, really bad. the amount of things that i went through last semester. blerkh. i don't really want to go there. not that there weren't any good moments in sem 4. there were but the bad times kinda triumphed over them you know. well, for me at least. i kept thinking about you during the whole time and i cried at night and i feel lonely and shit. yeah, lame semester.

i just hope semester 5 would be a better semester, overall.

p.s: hoping and wishing.

terbang.

terbang, terbang

diri ku terbang

jasad ku tinggal 

roh ku melayang

minda ku luas

ku terbang

dan terus terbang.

merentasi angkasa cerah

lautan gelap biru

hutan lebat hijau

gunung-ganang bukit bukau

kadang-kadang

bila ku terbang

akan ku terlanggar awan

akan ku jatuh

dan jatuh

dan terus jatuh

jatuh ke 

tanah keras dan tandus

adakala nya akan aku terus terbang

tapi

ada masa nya akan ku

lekat kan diri ku

di atas tanah 

keras dan tandus itu

sebagai peringatan

sebab aku tidak boleh

senantiasa terbang

jikalau aku senantiasa terbang

aku rasa

akan ku lupa tanah keras dan tandus

yang telah

menghidupkan aku.

aku sebenar nya

ingin sangat terbang

tapi

apakan daya 

aku cuma seorang manusia

aku hanya mampu

terbang 

di minda dan imaginasi

sahaja.

sudah lah.

daripada tidak mampu untuk terbang sebetul-betul nya

p.s: day-dreaming

random post 6

i do a lot of thinking at work, and the occasional daydream too. well, actually, i do both quite often when i'm working. helps me to feel sane in the kitchen. the kitchen isn't really a fun place. it's sticky, oily, hot, and most of the time you're up on your feet running around doing errands and getting stuff from the store-room and the receiving dock and clearing buffets and helping to prepare for breakfast and clearing breakfast and helping to refill the breakfast buffet.

i'm rambling.

my emotions have been really, really, really weird and hard to control lately. i don't even know what's up with sometimes. one day i'm on cloud 9 the next i'd be feeling like i've been buried 6 feet under. they get me down, they get others down. i don't know what to do. i'm controlling it to the best of my abilities but i guess it's not enough. i don't know how long i'm gonna be feeling this way. 

this leads me to you.

there's a lot of things i want to say, for you to know. but i guess i'm gonna have to wait till i get to spend time with you. the disappointing thing is how you're beginning to treat me differently. you don't tell me things anymore like you used to. you'd usually say something out of the blue like, "you know what, i went here...." or "the lecturer's like..." or "i love the weather so i'm gonna tan." i miss those things you know. remember those nights when you'd sometimes cry and said you didn't want to lose me and said whatever happens we're still going to be friends. i guess, the ironic thing is right now, i'm the one who's feeling that way. i just feel like we're drifting apart you know. it's what i'm scared of. you seem cool about it though. i don't know. you just seem, cool. like you don't really care. "AJ? pffttt." sometimes i feel like i annoy you. maybe i am. i just wish, sigh. there's a lot of things i've been wishing lately. i know we have nothing anymore but i guess, i miss 'us'. you've been so casual about this whole thing i don't know. you don't seem to wanna talk about it. you'd avoid the topic. and all i have to support my claims are all assumptions i created. i just want a moment of your time. not the whole day. just 30 mins of your time. we live in different time zones i know but sigh. fuck this. i just... i just feel like we're drifting. i don't want that to happen. i just miss laughing with you. i know you've got new cooler friends and you guys are 'sekepala' and all. jeez i sound desperate don't i? the thing is, i don't want to lose you. end. (i wonder if you still read my blog?)

no wonder my emotions and my head are not in'sync with each other. 

i guess some thoughts are better left alone. 

i just can't seriously wait for the new semester to start. i really can't wait. another new semester, new challenges, new dramas. i'm bored to death being at home sometimes because i keep running out of people to talk to about things that i love to talk about. i just want face to face interaction. i need that. i miss everyone. I FUCKIN MISS EVERYONE!

p.s: results. pfftt.

this is a love poem?

love has no ends

love has no deadlines

it never dies

it lives on

it survives

till the very last breath

till the very last heartbeat

till the moment

soul

leaves the body

and 

when memories fade even

love still remains

because it lives on

it stays

it remains

it sticks

yes 

love never leaves

true love never disappears

it is never lost

nor misplaced

nor can it be replaced too

so live with love

if you live without

then it is better to have not lived 

at all.

p.s: crappy.

reality television.

you think people on television have personality? wait till you meet the bunch of people i work with everyday for 6 days for 8 hours a day. they are funny as hell with dirty jokes flying here and there. if there was a camera in the kitchen recording the conversations that we have or the jokes being exchanged all over the place, it will make a really successful reality t.v. 

there's this frowning executive chef, very short (reminds me of one of the 7 dwarfs) second man in charge, Chef Phillip (who's responsible in hiring me to become the part-timer), Gaeng (he's like, funny, and weird and annoying). there's also Lesly, the guy with the endless amount of dirty jokes and he likes to "loyar buruk" and then the only female cook, Mila. she's a tomboy-ish girl in character but in appearance she's like a typical, woman. she reminds me of this girl who's the star of the Melodi Cinta sinetron on Astro. there's Roffero and Salleh, the "nonoks" (Salleh's extremely funny. cracks me up!), Jackson or Wan as he is known there in the kitchen, a very fast and reliable helper and other people too with a host of different characters and attitudes and personalities.

and then there's me.

forget about Kim's butt, or Kimora's life in the fab lane or about dancers struggling to dance or about making it big in the entertainment industry, let's focus on the REAL reality t.v. where people don't wear makeup, where people aren't always pretty or handsome, or rich, or perfect for that matter. 

just normal everyday people going through their own drama every single day and night. it's a good exposure really. why immerse ourselves with the lives of celebrities who seem to have it all. why not focus on the people who have less, or much less? it is reality after all. the reality is, most of us are just normal everyday people with interesting stories to be shared with other people.

this is not about fame and fortune or either or, it's about life's lessons. why not flash those big, fancy cameras at people who can teach other people about life? 

some people can be so unappreciative of what they already have. it's time to show the world the people who have much less and how content (well, sorta) they are with their lives; how they struggle to make a living and yet still being able to smile and shrug the weight of the world off of their shoulders.

i wish i have a camera so i could record these events and these people i have been meeting and getting to know of. if it's not a lesson for the world, it'll just be lessons for me. i need these kinds of life lesson to awaken myself of how fortunate i am in my life. i admit, i have moments where i find it hard to be thankful and so with these stories i hear, and these people i see and meet and observe everyday, i tell myself how lucky i am and how very much thankful i should be. 

for now, my eyes are the cameras and my brain's like the memory chip. everyday, i learn something new from these people. everyday, i tell myself, this is not where i want my life to be. every single day, i wake up, and tell myself, i can do this (the part-time job).

i may not have everything i want, but at least i have almost everything that i NEED.

p.s: the people you meet, will change you.

hati.

dipegang

ditawan

diambil

dicuri

diselami

dipotong

dihiris

dicincang

dipanaskan

disejukkan

ditusuk

ditikam

dijaga

dibuang

disimpan

diheret

diguris

digilis

dikecam

dicaci

dimaki

dipuji

diherdik

dibisik

itu lah hati

saya

anda

kita

dan

kami.

semua.

p.s: berhati-hati.

thankful.

there are a whole host of things one can be thankful for (in no chronological order):

1. that first intake of breath one inhales the moment one wakes up.

2. being able to do the Subuh prayers.

3. hearing the sound of one's mum's voice calling out for one to come down and have one's breakfast.

4. being able to feel the cold water touching one's skin as one showers.

5. having proper clothes to wear.

6. going to work in a car, rain or shine, though one is not the one doing the driving.

7. being able to work and earn decent wages to make a decent living.

8. being able to smile and laugh during working hours though one feels tired.

9. being served free lunch at the hotel's cafeteria.

10. oh! the feeling one gets upon receiving texts from the persons one loves.

11. being able to spend time with one's family though they can be a drag at times.

12. one's parents constantly feeding one with one's favorite food instead of buying things.

13. being able to walk.

14. being given things one can never thought of having.

15. watching t.v. and being online

16. living in a peaceful country though the politic's a little crappy, one thinks.

17. being loved.

18. one loving people one loves.

19. having a roof over one's head.

20. the gift of the 5 senses that work quite well.

21. being able to continue one's studies.

22. being able to feel the sun or rain one one's skin.

23. being able to go to sleep on a bed.

24. electricity.

25. being given another chance to live another day.

one is blessed, one is. one just must learn to be more appreciative and not take things for granted. one must think of what one already has instead of the things one doesn't. one must not let go things that one has.

p.s: big things matter, little things matter too. more than big things sometimes.

coaxing me.

tell me a joke.

tell me a story.

tell me a poem.

tell me a song.

tell me everything's going to be o.k.

tell me life IS SHIT but it will turn out all right.

tell me that things are bad but they do get better.

tell me my life sucks but it sucks for reasons beyond your and my understanding.

tell me that you'll be by my side the whole time.

tell me that you'll always love me, no matter what.

tell me things i want to hear.

tell me things i don't want to hear.

tell me in whispers.

tell me to calm down.

tell me to stop thinking too much.

tell me to be patient.

tell me that things will fall into place, eventually.

tell me that i can do life.

tell me, 

that i can go through this,

and that i will come out of it,

alive.

p.s: just, figure me out.

cahaya itu ada ketika nya.

Cahaya itu ada ketika nya

Tidak selalu kan, 

ia terang?

Justeru ada perkataan malap dan gelap

Jikalau ia senantiasa bersinar maka

Tiada wujudlah kosa-kata

Sedang kan bintang di kaburi siang

Matahari di selimuti malam

Ini kan hati, yang terpendam

Lilin dan lampu pun bisa terpadam

Ini kan lagi hati, yang senantiasa,

Hampir, selalu

Di dalam kegelapan.

Tapi jangan khuatir

Setiap perkara ada masa nya

Termasuk cahaya

Tidak senantiasa ia akan bersinar

Biar lah ia gelap seketika

Bila ia dah bersedia maka dengan

Sendiri nya

Ia akan

Menyala

Menerangi segala cahaya di alam semesta.

Dan ketika itu juga engkau jugalah

Yang akan gembira

Di mandi cahaya yang terang dan nyata.

p.s: semua ada masa nya.

random post 5.

i want to write more than what i am able to write right now. the thing is, there is nothing much to write really. i have little fragments of ideas in my head but they're usually the same things i have been thinking about. what have  i been thinking about? well a whole lot of random things. if i were to write them down, they'll just end up as little short passages. so i'm gonna include the things i've been thinking about, here.

like for example, 

time: i think time's a very powerful thing. it reminds us of things long forgotten, or it makes us see far into the future or it makes us stay here, in the present. when you look back at the past, through pictures, or texts or even just through your mind, your heart grows weaker, sometimes fonder, sometimes it aches, sometimes it calms down. time is everything. time heals, time destroys, time creates.

thoughts and imagination: these two can either make you or break you. i spend most of my time day-dreaming. bad habit, i know, but i just can't help it. the feeling of satisfaction and wild-dreams just echoing and playing in your head can drive you wild or inspire you. in both cases, it can bring both positive and negative outcomes. just by letting myself go through my thoughts and imagination can bring me spiraling through clouds and stars and when it's time to let go, it brings me back down to earth, where my feet will be attached firmly to to the ground. imagination gets me to places or situations i've been dying to have, DYING TO HAVE. i can safely say sometimes, what helps me get through my days are the thoughts and imaginations i have running through my mind.

people: i've not been mixing a whole lot with society. mostly i'd get stuck at home where sometimes i feel like my mind's being caged. i miss having deep-conversations with people i am close with. i can't have those kinds of conversations at home simply because,  i don't know who to turn to talk to. there're a whole lotsa things i wanna share and say, but i don't know to who. i don't really like having deep conversations through technology; i prefer having a face-to-face communication. but when you're living so far away from the people you're close with, technology's all there is to it.

love: this is a tricky one. a complicated one. a pain in the ass one, sometimes. love is like, time. powerful, controlling, obsessively addictive and confusing and insane. love can drive a person up the wall, me included. we've all been there, or at least for a while. love makes me feel, whole, complete. 

life: to me, life is indeed fair. my parents can't give me gifts or clothes but they do provide me with the best of food and all that they can offer me. the least i can do is be thankful and stop whining and complaining. but it worries me though. life's getting more expensive, i wonder if we, as a family, can go through these tough times. 

money: for me it's a problem. i am ashame to admit that yes, i feel envious towards those who can spend their money on things that they want without having to feel this huge amount of guilt weighing on their shoulders. i mean, c'mon. i want to spend rm25 on a tshirt and i'd have to think about the after effects of purchasing that item. why didn't God place me in a wealthy family? maybe He wants me to learn to be thankful and to work hard to getting what i want. i can see myself being this bratty spoilt kid if i were born in a rich family. God has given me the chance to be, i don't know how to describe this, human? by letting me live a pretty, erm, desperate life. desperate? i'm not sure whether that's the right word to be used. i mean i guess God placed me where i am right now just so i can, i don't know, appreciate the things that i HAVE instead of always chasing for the things that i WANT. 

so those are all of the thoughts in my head. life's a funny thing. i always trust God's plans, even if it isn't according to mine. i mean, you know what i mean. troubles come, but they leave too, eventually. i just keep thinking about you know, if i am not the me i am now, who would i be if i am living in  different situation and atmosphere. would there be THIS AJ? or a totally different person? who knows, maybe i'd still be me, or i'd be someone else entirely different. who knows. 

p.s: random thoughts lead to deep thoughts, sometimes.