this is life, somewhat.

it's like this:

when you like a t-shirt and the other person says, "it's alright i guess," but you love that shirt more than anything so you went on to buy that t-shirt and everyone knew you loved that t-shirt and people associated that t-shirt with you. one day, that same person who wasn't as ecstatic about the t-shirt as you were began wearing the same t-shirt and claimed that he had loved the t-shirt all along, from the start.

or

when this person starts staking claim on what's yours and begins parading it every where she goes. she's become an owner of something that isn't even hers in the first place.

or

when you feel like you have no place that you truly belong to, the people that you belong to start to belong to someone else and you become lost and confused not knowing where to go. it's like you have a map, but it's useless because it's an empty map and it doesn't show you where you're supposed to go.

or

when you have an ice-cream and you'll eat it slowly so you'd savour the taste but you'll know eventually it's gonna finish or else it'd melt and it'd become a waste.

or

it's when you know you're losing but you'll try anyways but you know you'll lose, but you're persistent and you know you'd lose, but you just want to win anyways.

or

when someone has that something shiny and everyone goes to that person because that person has that something shiny and you don't so you end up feeling inadequate no matter how good you feel about yourself. 

or 

you know you're not supposed to get attached to something but you do, because you're human and when you get detached, you cry and you start blaming circumstances and other people when in the beginning you know that it was a bad, horrible, stupid, out-of-thy-mind idea to get attached to something, or someone.

p.s: loser, loser, someone's gonna light you up on fire. 

si dia

alahai wahai bintang

janganlah kau berselindung di balik awan

aku ingin melihatmu malam ini

buatlah aku tersenyum seorang diri

dikala aku memikirkan

"mungkin si dia pun sedang memerhati bintang yang sama

dan memikirkan perihal yang sama."

p.s: tapi, siapa si dia?

girly girl.

i like you. i really, really like you. i like you since the first day i saw you. i thought you were cute. now, you're beautiful, even more beautiful than the rarest flowers, or the brightest stars. when you smile, your eyes sparkle. like, really sparkle. they shine brighter than the sun. i should tell you that about you but i'm too scared and shy to say so. i love it when you smile. i love it even more when you smile at me. my heart skips a whole lot of beats when you smile at me. my stomach has butterflies every time you come near me or when you smile at me. no, not butterflies, more like garudas. you can make me go crazy you know? that smile. i have never seen anything more perfect than your smile. with that red shade of lipstick that you always use, you make me want to kiss you- badly. i am crazy about you. i am.

God. you're beautiful. even when you dress simply (which you rarely do) you still look beautiful. i like the way you flirt with me. i really do. i like it when you laugh when i try horribly at flirting with you. i want you. i want you to be mine. can i be yours, and you be mine? you're fair skin, those cheeks, and your fingers. can i entwine my fingers with yours? can we walk, hand-in-hand? i want you to rest your head on my shoulder while we watch a movie together. i want you to hold my hand too. i want to be able to call you mine, like the Taylor Swift song you know? "you are the best thing that's ever been mine," yeah, that's you. i want you to be mine.

am i crazy for feeling this way? yeah maybe. but only you can make me feel this way. just the sight of you can make me smile. when you talk to me in that flirty, slow voice of yours, and the way you look at me, i feel like the whole world stops and there's only me and you. only me and you. i think i'm the only one who feels this way. i wish you'd feel the same way. maybe you do. maybe you do? or maybe you're like me, too scared to admit for fear of losing something beautiful that we've been sharing together for years now. years. God. you've driven me crazy for years. i let you. i let you drive me crazy because i like you. i like the way you make me feel. happy and tormented. i want to protect you from harm. i want you to call me with sweet names like: honey, baby, boo, sweetheart, sayang. my name sounds so much sweeter when you say it. you drive me insane you know that? no you don't. you do not know. i'm too scared to let you know how i feel. if i do, i might lose you. i might not see you again. i might not see your beautiful face, your gorgeous smile. everything.

i could write a lot more about you, and the way you make me feel. i could cover the whole world with words of love and romance and still they won't match the intensity of feelings i have towards and for you. you render me speechless with your beauty sometimes and yet here i am, my mind spewing words of... of feelings? of emotions? of love? love. 

i just want you. only you.

p.s: this is crazy

history with a Boy

i received a text from you saying that you wanted to meet up on the stage we used to hang out with our friends. your words from the text, they seemed cold, distant. so i went to the stage, or behind it, where i saw you sitting on a chair. you gestured me to come and sit directly opposite you. there was no chair. so i sat on the floor, my back against the wall. i didn't know or understand the significance of the position you had placed me in. looking back now, i understand. you were in the superior position, i was inferior. i was dust, an ant, a mere garbage-you were everything beyond those things i wrote. then, it happened. you burst out into flames. you were angry, really angry. you asked me questions that i had a difficult time answering. i've never seen you that angry before. my heart was literally screaming. after you've finished saying the things you wanted to say, you got up from your chair, after giving me a firm warning to stay away, you walked away.

i cried.

we did stay away from each other. we ended up not talking with each other for a few months. people noticed. we were so close before now we're drifting apart that people started noticing that you and i weren't spending that much time together or didn't talk at all with each other. i don't know if you've told anyone the reasons of why we were drifting apart and thinking back, i wonder if i did talk to anyone, too.

as fate would put it, we were friends again in the third semester. i don't know what exactly brought us together again. drama class perhaps? but we did bond again. i'm glad that we did. i'm glad that you didn't kick me out from your life. i'm glad you accepted me as i am. i'm glad that you know me so well, that every move i make you'd predict with almost perfect accuracy. i love your insights. i love and loathe your brutal honesty. i love that i could turn to you when i need someone to turn to. i like (and hate) the fact that you'd pull me down to earth when my head is so high up in the clouds. we're closer now, a whole lot closer than we ever were.

i am thankful that i have you as a friend. "like adik-beradik" a friend of ours would say and my heart would jump with joy. i do see us close like that, like siblings. i wonder if you feel the same way. i'm glad that you've made plans for the future, and those plans include me. they're just plans, i know, but you thought of me. that means a lot to me. 

you mean a lot to me.

thank you.

p.s: for a crush (in the past)

exit.

you see that door?

the one where you walked in

the day i let you in?

please get out 

the same way you came in

don't hurt yourself 

(though i want to see you get hurt

like the way you hurt me)

do you want me to lead you

so i could slam the door to your face?

i'd love to do that!

here's the key to the locks

just bring it with you just in case

you decide to walk through the same door

but i won't bother

i'd change the locks anyways.

so,

goodbye.

please,

lock the locks on your way out.

p.s: for those whose hearts got broken, rejected and friendzoned. 

wahai kanser.

kanser,

telah memakan diri.

terima kasih.

p.s: should've known better.

would you?

what if i tell you

that love is not a force

nor an energy

nor a feeling

it is a person.

what if i tell you

that love is not invisible

that it can be seen

can be touched

can be felt

what if i tell you

that love is a person

and that person is

you

would you believe me?

p.s: i hope you do.

buttermilk

kau seperti

bun buttermilk 60sen

yang aku beli dekat kafe tadi

tersergam gah indah dalam paket lutsinar

perut aku lapar lantas selepas membayar aku buka paket dan

gigit

sikit demi sedikit

roti bun buttermilk 60sen

ingin ku rasakan buttermilk itu cair dalam mulut tapi hampeh

apa yang aku dapat?

debu-debu buttermilk serta roti yang hanya indah empuk daripada rasa

ingin menangis tapi apakan daya?

aku gigit, dan gigit sehingga tinggal sedikit dan 

aku buang

tak sedap.

menyesal.

aku ingin 60sen aku kembali.

p.s: buttermilk dekat Kuching sedap.

faraway friend.

when it's light here

it's dark over there

when i am about to fall asleep

you're wide awake

when i am about to have a new day

yours, comes to a close.

we may be separated by

time and space

but i feel you are close

that you are not away

you are next to me

every step of the way

it's been years since i last saw you

but it just seems like yesterday that i did.

a day is not complete

without you.

i hold you 

in my heart and in my thoughts.

i remember you

i love you

i miss you

always.

p.s: for a very special friend who's looking for love. 

p.s.s: it will all get better in time, kan? :)

the diary girl.

"hey?" he said when he spotted her sitting down on a mat gazing at the stars above. she was alone.

"hey. what are you doing here?" she said, startled and relieved that it was just him.

"i was looking for you all over. Mimie said to me that you'd be here and here you are." he replied with a smile on his face. the place was lighted by street lamps.

"and here YOU are." she said, smiling.

"can i join you?" he asked.

"oh sure. come, sit." she gestured for him to sit and budged a little to give a small space for him to sit.

"so.... what are you doing?" he asked when he finally sat next to her.

"just gazing at the stars. why were you looking for me? are we gonna talk about...." she trailed off and gave him a sneaky grin.

"no! no! for heaven's sake no. i've promised you that i won't talk with you about that! it's just, it's been a while since we've last talked. i missed it. so i went all over to find you. called your phone, but you didn't pick up." he said innocently.

"sorry. left it at Mimie's." she said, and shrugged her shoulders. she continued gazing at the stars.

"i see. thought so. aren't the stars beautiful tonight?" he asked and his head and his eyes looked up into the heavens. the night sky was literally littered with hundreds, maybe millions of stars that night.

"they sure are. billions, and billions of miles away from us and here we are, gazing at them." she said without looking at him.

"i still can't believe how close you and i have become. you were this timid, timid girl who'd run away from any form of social contact..." he said with a cheeky smile on his face and turned to look at her.

"and here i am talking to one of the popular boys in school." she said, and she looked at him too. a small laughter escaped from her and she blushed a little. she could feel the warmth of the blood moving slowly across her cheeks.

"i wouldn't say i'm popular." he said and a small laughter escaped him, too.

"puhlease. the whole entire school knows who you are." she said, and she rolled her eyes.

"and i now they know you too miss-i-can-belt-out-a-Mariah-Carey-song." he said, and he gave her a soft nudge.

"that was because you made me do it." she replied, and nudged him too.

"because you are an awesome singer, and an even more awesome person, friend."he said, and he pulled her close.

"never in a million years have i thought that i'd be friends with you." she said, and she slowly lowered her head on the boy's shoulder.

"if i hadn't approached you..." he said, and he gazed at the stars.

"...we won't have been friends in the first place, or be this close. you're a persistent person." she said, laughing.

"so i have been told."

they were at the park, gazing at the stars for hours while reminiscing about their lives together; how they became friends, the events that brought them together, their lives. they shared everything. it was one of their nights together, spent with hours and hours of talking about hopes and dreams, successes and failures, regrets and mistakes. they didn't care what people thought of them, just as long as they have each other, they were alright. she made him feel alright about himself and that's what he loved about her. he knew that he could trust her with his fears, his secrets-she was his diary. she knew basically almost everything about him and she didn't mind being his listener and best of all, he liked that she wasn't afraid to say what was on her mind. "i like this. it's like, i finally know that i am worth as a person," she'd say. 

they loved spending time with each other when they've got the chance to. they weren't in love with each other, but they do love each other. 

p.s: who knows what the future holds, but i'd love to be friends with you, until whenever.

p.s.s: for the girl with the Diary.

terima kasih, mungkin?

engkau kanser
yang mungkin menjadi
penyembuh hati
yang telah diracuni
mengembalikan mimpi-mimpi
yang telah dikubur
bersama-sama air mata.

ironi, kan?



p.s: penuh. makna. terima kasih.

urgh.

i haven't been writing my thoughts down properly. they're all jumbled up in my head. i'm trying to unjumble them but there are too many thoughts and so little will to write. don't get me wrong, i love writing my thoughts down. it's just that, i have a problem of expressing them in words or concepts. i am struggling with laziness too. i hope that i'd get back on track with writing stories and poems again, and feelings. mostly feelings. let's just hope, i'll write summore, for my own satisfaction. 

p.s: give me the power. 

hati ku, hati mu.

tidak mampu ku petik bintang
untuk kau simpan
di dalam sebuah botol kaca
untuk kau peragakan kepada
mereka-mereka yang tidak mempercayai nya
atau 
mereka-mereka yang telah hilang kepercayaan nya
apa yang mampu ku beri 
adalah hanya secebis hati ku
yang ku balut dengan sebuah kain putih
untuk kau jaga dengan rapi
supaya engkau, 
tidak hilang kepercayaan
dan akan terus percaya
walaupun aku tiada.

simpan lah ia, jaga lah ia.

dan bila engkau terasa rindu menggigit jiwa
bukalah balutan itu
tertulis namamu di atas hati tersebut
untuk mengingatkan engkau bahawa rasa
sayang
cinta
rindu
aku dekat engkau tidak mungkin pudar

(semudah yang engkau sangka).



p.s: ini tidak adil, tidak adil.