post BM pertama ;)

biarkan ku berbicara

tentang hati dan jiwa

sayang dan cinta 

adalah dua perkara berbeda

tapi yang mana satu

lebih berharga?

bagi diriku

dua-dua nya sama pentingnya

tidak kira siapa anda

perasaan sayang dan cinta

sentiasa terkubur di dalam jiwa

dan tertanam di dalam minda

sayang dan cinta 

adalah dua perasaan berbeza

tidak kira siapa anda

dua perasaan itu tidak sama

tapi dua itu tetap ada

di dalam jiwa dan minda.

p.s: ok my BM's lame. it's been awhile since i've written properly in BM. 

moving on?

how can you tell that you've totally moved on from something? what do you actually feel? what are the signs that you have moved on? how do you really know that you have moved on?

in my humble opinion, i think, at some degrees,  we haven't actually really moved on from something. you see, the thing that we want to move on will forever be stuck at the back of our minds. try as we might to forget it, the memories are still there. the only that disappears bit by bit are emotions. emotions that cloud us in the past will slowly be eroded by time. but even then, at some specific time, those feelings will emerge again. 

have i truly moved on from something? no. i don't think so. i am a thinker. whatever significant things that happened to me in the past i will not forget easily. 

i don't know how to handle the past that well. those feelings involved during the past they like to make a surprise entrance. i need to learn how to control those feeling. if i can't, i don't know if i could ever live properly. they say time heals the pain. to some extend that is true but how much it actually heals the pain no one knows. even me. i don't really know how much pain will go away as time passes.

moving on is not easy but it gets easier day by day.

p.s: busy week ended but i don't feel like the burden have been totally lifted up just yet.

the Queen

she walks in

with a golden crown

on her head

and as she smiles

we watch her

golden crown and all

looking and staring

her eyes growing

bigger

and 

bigger.

her Barbie doll like smile

casting fear

and disgust within us all

then she starts talking

and we all nod.

nods of disapproval

spread across the room

like wildfire

she questions us

with an alien slang

but we are silent even when we are silent

she wants only her own voice

echoing 

dominating

she is the Queen after all

the Queen with a golden crown

with dark roots

as dark as her eyes

as dark as the moon

not shone by sunlight.

life is fair.

everything in life is fair. why think the opposite? God is wise and fair. He is. look, here are proofs that He is fair.

there are unattractive and attractive people.

there are smart and not-so-smart people.

there are rich people and there are poor people.

there are talented people and there are not-so-talented people.

for every death there is life.

seems a tad unfair right? but this is just the surface. why don't we get a closer look.

unattractive people tend to be with attractive people.

smart people have more complicated lives than not-so-smart people.

rich people are not as happy as poor people.

talented people tend to be constantly weighed with expectations while the-not-so-talented people can have room for improvements and surprise people.

still think life's unfair?

well just think about this. God creates flaws and advantages within us humans for reasons beyond our comprehension. sometimes i too wonder why am i the way i am. but when i look back at my life, certain things that i think were pretty unfair before starts to make sense. some of things i lack-off are slowly being replaced and some of the things i have advantages on are slowly slipping away from me. 

i used to think that life's unfair. but God isn't human. God is far greater. He knows what He's doing. whatever weaknesses we have we cover them with our strengths. isn't that fairness in all its glory? what other people may have we may not have but what we have other people may not have them.

life is fair. fair if u start thinking really hard about it.

p.s: getting through.

there goes the time

tick tock

the time is flying

and 

no one seems to mind

as 

it wonders

aimlessly

away.

tick tock

the time is flying

without

a second guess

as

it disappears

at 

a moment's notice

tick tock 

the time is flying

before 

a minute 

goes by

it has already 

disappeared

into thin 

air

tick tock

the time is flying

do you even 

notice?

the time

flying

do you even care?

the time

is flying

with

or

without you

caring

or 

noticing

tick tock

the time is

flying.

bit busy.

there has been a whole lot of things going on this week that it's almost impossible to remember every single detail. i only remember the bits and pieces. horrible aren't i?

the juniors had their drama. superb job i must say. although some of the group may have gone a little too over the top with the finer things in drama (props and costumes) rather than the actual story, but wataheck, we seniors had a whole bunch of fun laughing, criticizing and one drama managed to almost make me cry. i had goosebumps though so yeah, that was fun. gonna miss that moment.

oh and we had this gathering with the juniors and seniors. twas fun! hope the juniors had fun. we seniors went through hell to make sure that event was a success and luckily it turned to be great; better than what we could ever hoped. the weather was fine, the food were finer, but the people who turned were the finest!

oh speaking of the event, of course there's drama about it. life isn't complete without some drama right?

last week was hell. this week too. tests, assignments, presentations; all piling up as i am typing this entry. being busy has its perks too. keeps me occupied with things and it helps me to move on-faster than i've ever intended in the first place. 

i think i'm going somewhere but i am not sure yet. i mean i know i'm progressing with my life but to as where i am going exactly, i don't know. i wish i have a more concrete plan with my life but for now, i'm just letting things flow, for most of the time. 

p.s: busy. kinda.

there is me, and you.

there is you

there is me

and when we are two

there is the sun

and the stars

and the moon

there is me

and there is 

you

there is no one else

except you

like there is no other

air

water

food.

and clothing.

there is you

and there is me

there is no one else

but you and me

there is no one

but 

us.

so tell me

is there me in you?

because there is definitely a you

in me.

p.s: i think i'm falling...

me, you, them and us.

you never expect anyone to be like you. never ever. no one's like you. ever. you're you and they're them. don't compare yourself to them. you have your strengths and weaknesses and so do they. the utmost important thing that you and them and everyone else should do is to accept and tolerate who we are as a person; embrace us for what and who we are; weaknesses, imperfections and all.

so don't ever compare you, me, them together. because nothing good or fair is gonna come out of it.

i am who i am. you are who you are. they are who they are. 

no one's perfect. that's true. no one ever is. 

can you imagine life with people who are the same as you are? i think that would be boring. and predictable. and unexciting. and very, lifeless.

again, i am not you and you are not me and they are not us. so don't compare. we may be the same in certain ways but we are never truly the same. you don't know what its like to be me. i don't know what its like to be you. and they don't know what its like to be us.

but something human about is that we can change. we can. we change accordingly, right or wrong. we change because of anything. we change because of experiences, because of another person, because of environment. some call the change as adaptation. 

but yeah, we change. we never stay the same.

so please understand, i am not you. you are not me. they are not us. 

embrace me for who i am. accept me, weaknesses and imperfections and all.

p.s: study. please?

doing something with soul.

i went to this indie-ish cafe with a friend and two seniors of mine. the two seniors went there and coincidentally they met fynn jamal, a blogger and poet and writer and speaker. so they went to speak to her. my friend and i followed suit. and then she said something that struck me,


"if you wanna do something, do it with your soul."


i don't remember many quotes only some stick in my head and this happens to be one of them. 


she's right. when doing something, you must have soul. from the most trivial and mundane of activities to the most complex and exciting, everything must be done with soul. doing something with soul means: giving it your all, being honest, being sincere, being hard-working, being positive, being thoughtful, being everything- that's what doing something with your soul is; in my opinion at least.


so now i am re-organizing my thoughts. 


i will start doing something with a lil bit more soul now. a lil bit is better than no soul at all right? so just hopefully the doing-something-with-soul thing will grow in time. in time. everything takes time right? 




p.s: i don't know when i will start but hopefully soon. thanks fynn jamal. :)

life changing.

it's not even funny sometimes how your life can change in a split second. how things can just become different in a blink of an eye. things so life changing that when you count every second that just passed it would have felt like magic. 

the moment now, whatever you are doing, may be the last thing that you are ever doing on Earth. the next thing you know, your life is being taken away. the thing is, it's not just your life which is involved, which is changed. other people who know you, their lives will undoubtedly change too. only the degree of change determines the severity of the change that you have indirectly caused.

when we look back at our lives the split second before we go forever, some things that we were chasing: the education, the wealth, love- those things, they may be trivial right? i mean we go through so much to get those things and yet at the end of the day, we can't never really own those things.

so what's the point of having all those things in the first place?

because without those things, we may as well be dead. so before we die, it's good to have some things that make living worthwhile. 

life's always been unpredictable. always. appreciate everything that we have, the things that we have lost, the pain that we have gone through, the happy moments; appreciate them because we may never go through them ever again. be thankful for every single thing. 

because we will never know when we will lose everything.

p.s: Al-Fatihah to my friend's sister. i hope she will be in a better place.

a reminder.

imagine this:

you're working in a company. you were busy doing you're work when all of a sudden your boss exclaimed, 

"comrades, there will be a one year bonus at the end of the month. this is a promise!"

he repeated the same chant everyday for the same month. he posted about the bonus on the company's official Facebook and Twitter profile. most were excited while some seems to not bother and even some where skeptical. 

and when the end of the month came, suddenly, all you received were your normal pay-check while the bonus was nowhere to be seen. most of you wondered, where was the promised bonus? and then your boss, amidst all the confusions and frustrations exclaimed,

"there was a problem handling the check with the bank so your bonuses will be given next month. this is a promise!"

next month came, and the next, and the next. you have not received your bonus and still your boss talks the same thing every time when asked about the bonus. 

how would you feel about this situation?

fulfilling promises. it's hard isn't it? very hard. difficult in fact. complex. that's to me anyways about fulfilling promises. one should never make a promise when one knows or feels like one cannot fulfill that promise. o.k. besides fulfilling promises, i do not like it when a person does something half-way. 

like for example, a kid was asked by his dad to wash a car and he washed and he washed and he said he'd get it done, but when Spongebob was on, he left only the front part of the car washed while the back part remained dirty.

kinda upsetting doesn't it? these two things can really boil your blood. can boil mine. well, not every time. at certain times only. 

don't get me wrong. i do these two things too sometimes. and by doing this post i hope i'll repair this two imperfections of mine. become more aware of when i am making promises and be sure that when i do something i'd get it done.

p.s: Amin. to those who are reading this, my friend's sister is in a critical stage of leukemia. please, pray for her well-being and that she'd get well very soon. your doa' or prayers are very much appreciated. thanks :')

GROW UP.

some people can never grow up. that's more than just sad, that's pitiful. PITIFUL. read my spelling, P.I.T.I.F.U.L. c'mon man! we're 21 this year for goodness sake. just be mature. act like you're 21. if not act wholly, act a bit, that's enough. 

i just don't understand you know. i really don't understand. 

why point dirty fingers at me? WHY? 

it twas really not my fault. i'm super pissed off right now. 

i HATE when people do not have the bloody guts to say something to my face, or anyone's face for that matter. i know i'm not perfect and please don't say as if i am acting like i'm perfect but at least, at least, if i have insecurities or problems towards you i'd discuss and talk it over with you if not the worst thing i'd do is keep them to myself.

all i did was send one measly text and you guys said that i made the lecturer cry? I MADE THE LECTURER CRY. whoahh. FYI, at least, even if i did make the lecturer cry, i sent her an apology text.

all i wanna say is, before you make ANY accusations, please, have a base, know the history. bak kata orang melayu, siasat dulu. tak guna nak buat statement ala-ala serkap jarang ni. 

if you have any qualms against me, say it don't keep it and post it somewhere else. i'm not the FIRST and most probably the last person you're gonna piss-off in your lifetime. please man, learn from your mistakes. don't keep repeating the same shit over and over again. it's sick. SICKENING. 

GROW UP. 

p.s: i shall not stand seeing your face anymore. 

love's absence.

come rejoice and celebrate!

the weeping of a son

a dying heart's wish

to be with someone

oh! the joys

that aren't granted to him

his heart will never flow

to the beat of love's hymn

how can he live

how can he survive?

with no love's beliefs

means there's little life

as the son weeps

tears of never ending pain

his heart will be weak

as weak as earth with no rain

oh! the joys of love can be a pain

but not as much pain

as a life with no love 

in one's veins.

p.s: i have nothing else to write about. so yeah.

friendship.

what would you do if your friends turn out sour, stab you in the back and spread nasty shits about you? a friend that you have been so familiar with then decides to talk about secret things about you and then just spread the secret around to other people- people here referring to strangers you never met.

friends.

they can be your worst enemy. THE WORST.

i've seen what friends can do. i've seen and i'm seeing the power of friendship; how it can destroy or create a person. i'm not going to focus on the good side of friendship because we all know that side. what about the bad side? the bad side we all have been blinded by the word that is called friendship or brotherhood or sisterhood or whatever you may wanna call it.

if i have a friend, who wants to spread nasty things about me i'd fuckin' kill that person. like, kill. maybe i trust people too soon and too much. my fault too.

i've seen my brothers becoming people they are not just because they were influenced by their friends. they became people that i feared. i was angry at them. but thank God they've changed. 

would you still be friends with someone who would destroy your life when you have come to that realization that they are capable of doing as such? if i were in that situation maybe i won't be friends. but you know, life's so fuckin' complicated. very complicated. 

friends. you can't live with them, you can't live without them.

p.s: the idea of being friends.

-_-

right now i feel like death. even though i don't know how death feels like, but please, just let me exaggerate for a bit. life's been pretty lifeless. that's why i hate the holidays. 

you so look forward to having them and they turn out sour just because you're not doing anything productive. maybe i should start being productive.

another reason i feel like death is, i can't get over you. no i can't. o.k, probably not yet but who knows, maybe i won't get over you? maybe, maybe, these feelings will stay forever and i will be living in regret and remorse and i won't get married and i won't have children and i'd end up alone! ah fck!

o.k again, i'm exaggerating, but excuse me, there's still a possibility.

why do you have to be so freakin' perfect? i scrutinize every single thing you do now that it makes me insane too. INSANE. 

there are too many things that remind me of you, of us, who we gonna be,

i open my eyes

it was only just a dream

*sorry nelly quoted you for a bit there*

and those things make moving on a lil bit more, or  a whole lot more difficult than i anticipated.

please, i just want to move on, and be happy you know. this pain, it's killing me. you have no idea how much it hurts. maybe you're hurting too. yeah, maybe. i can only guess since you won't or can't tell me how you really feel. 

stupid feelings and emotions. why can't i contain them? why oh why?!

p.s: there's a certain someone who makes me smile and fills up my day. but i'm not ready yet. i'm just not ready yet. to you, you know who you are. and i'm sorry.

paint.

paint my heart a thousand shades of red
for courage
love.
paint my soul a thousand shades of colors
for life
love.


paint me a thousand shades of blue
for dreams
love.
paint me a thousand shades of black
for pain
love


paint me a thousand shades of me
for you
love.
paint me a thousand shades of you
for I
love.


paint me, paint me, paint me.
paint you
paint us.
paint you, paint me, paint us.
with colors
love.




p.s: it's been a while, poem writing.