1 year old.

happy birthday not-so-secret thoughts.

2011 was one hell of a year wasn't it?

may 2012 pose even more challenges, so i can write more things in you.

thanks for being here, when no one was around. 

i love you.

p.s: change is good. and bad. 

:)

senyuman, 

semua orang nampak

hati yang rosak?

siapa lah yang tahu.

that sly curve of your lips

i think,

it's hiding something.

senyuman,

sangat manis di bibir

hati yang hancur?

hanya kita yang tahu.

that sweet curve of your lips

i think,

it means something.

senyum, smile,

walaupun pahit

senyum lah

we only live once.

p.s: a smile a day keeps the pain away, doesn't it?

indah pagi.

indah pagi pabila ku bangun

ku masih bernafas

indah lagi pagi ku pabila bangun

kau juga bernafas,

di sisiku

lalu tersenyum

dan mengucapkan

"selamat pagi, honey," lalu

mencium dahiku

alangkah indah pagi ku,

alangkah.

p.s: dan kita berpeluk, tidak lepas-lepas.

a harsh reminder.

these, are the grounds

i used to walk on

these, are the steps

i used to take

that, was where i sat

this, was what i ate

she, was the one i loved

he, was the one i loathed

they, were the ones i admired

them, i could not remember.

i breathe in but there's no air

i look around

and nobody seems to care

i wave and i smile, and i shout

and i cry

but they can't seem to see

me.

their faces are solemn

no laughters, no smiles

just gloomy faces

all around.

as i look up

then i look down

"ah no wonder,

i'm 6 feet under, ground."

p.s: precious, precious life. 

a gentle reminder.

there's this huge tree on a field. this field is in the middle of Kuching city. the tree is huge and wide, but it is not tall. it's been there for as long as i can remember. through rain, shine, storm; the tree is there, standing strongly its strong and tough roots holding on tightly to the ground, as if choking it. 

the tree has been there for as long as i could remember.

its bark is rotten, the trunk is full of moss,ants converge upon it: millions of them walking up and down the tree, just minding their own business. the branches and twigs are all decorated with green leaves as if nothing is troubling the upper part of the tree. the leaves just flourish and reach upwards towards the light blue sky. sometimes the leaves are not there, especially during monsoon seasons, but the tree can still survive.

if it can, why can't i?

p.s: look up, the sky isn't always gloomy. life isn't always harsh. 

this hardship

some things in life are never meant to be sometimes. like when you fall for a person and that person doesn't have the same feelings as you do or like when you think you have everything under control but then everything falls apart and you don't know where and when to pick yourself up or when you are happy then you receive a bad news and everything in the world seems to crash down on you and you are left there, breathing, struggling, drowning, dying for every bit of survival. 

what will you do in times like these?

i am usually an optimistic person but lately it seems that the world tends to be hard on me or maybe i am being too hard on myself? have you ever felt like you have given your best and yet you feel like no matter how much you try to change something it just will not happen? like you keep praying, hoping and working so that things will work for you but it never seems to happen.

where is God, you may ask in times like these.

i never ask. i know God is always there for me. the question is, have i ever been there for God? 

i wish too many, i dream too much. i get my head high up, too high up in the clouds sometimes i swear i just want to stay there for as long as i can but logic rules. i fall down face first on the flat and hard surface of the earth and i may cry from the pain, but what else can i do but just move on and face the consequences? i try not to cry but sometimes it just doesn't seem to work. i end up crying anyways.

you know how sometimes people say how lucky it is to be "you"?

well, i say, it's lucky to be you. it's always better to be someone else in our eyes, right? what is satisfaction in humanity? nothing. satisfaction is when you have everything and you feel nothing. it's just, a great sigh of relief; an overwhelming sigh of relief.

this is just a phase i know, people keep saying that, but how far of a phase of this i have to cover? i have been in this phase, i have been living for 21 years and yes there are changes within me, but nothing beyond me has a changed. not even a little, not even a bit.

i am getting sick and tired. sick, and tired.

p.s: let's just get this over and done with.

peace of mind

peace of mind.

and a piece of peace of mind that's mine.

p.s: hard to attain peace, isn't it?

f***

when will this misery end

i've been fighting for so long

i need it to stop

i can't go on much further

please, stop this insanity

i don't need it anymore

i'm done

i'm through

fuck you.

p.s: SICK.

untitled 2

if i could cut open my chest

and let you see this 

beating heart

the way it bleeds

they way it needs

some sort of magic 

to fix its irregular beats

to make you see that

only you have the power

to heal me

completely.

p.s: i need some sort of recovery.

each other.

they hug at night
sleeping with a smile
waking up with laughter
they tell each other secrets
that no one else can know or hear
they hold hands when no one else sees
they kiss when the night comes by with a breeze
they make love when their hearts are ready to be free
and celebrate a love no one else can compare in life's brief history
so they smile, laugh, cry, share, take care, understand, protect each other
the promises they hold on tightly to, those promises they made during beautiful nights
of staying true, regardless of ups or downs, happiness or sadness, together or separated


they will be together, no matter what.




p.s: i call this the stair-case poem, and a solo ending. haha

stab my heart.

stab stab me in the heart

yes you can

try to bring me down

you think you can?

tear me to pieces

push me until i fall

no i won't give up now

i have gone so far

i have given it my all

i won't succumb now

it's too late to turn around

the road not taken has been picked

i won't lie 

i am scared

i do feel like death is following me

everywhere

stab stab me in the heart

i won't give up now

i have gone so far

i have given it my all

i won't die 

not here, not now.

p.s: burned-out.

dead.

take this heart of mine

smash it into tiny pieces

any way you like.

take its little pieces

and burn them in a fire

or drown them in the ocean

or lock them in an air-tight jar

suffocate them to death.

p.s: i feel like i don't matter, sometimes.

human(s), only.

in what way can you tell

from a person's laugh and eyes

that (s)he is really human?

from the way (s)he stares

what words (s)he chooses to utter

how human can one be?

from those carved smiles

to the little twitches of the noses

and those twinkle in the eyes

are you human?

from the way your arms move

the loudness of your voice

the slight whimper of your breath

can you be human?

from the way you walk and the

way you stand

from the way you hold my hands

the way you kiss 

the way you please

are you human, for me?

ah but there is only one way

to tell if one is human

if we can see the heart

and the functions of the other's brain

surely we can tell

if there is indeed a human

living in that attractive shell.

p.s: over-rated.

little blue birds

those little blue birds

innocent they look

spew nasty words

of wisdom

those little blue birds

carefree flying

always moving

never stopping

those little blue birds

fast and agile

always current

never a burden

those little blue birds

they see and hear

they chirp and leer

and they also jeer

those little blue birds

they tell the truth

hardly lying

not always compromising

those little blue birds

the little bullets of death

masked by structure

or lack thereof

those little blue birds

they change things

all around,

all the way

those little blue birds.

p.s: even the littlest things change you.

so much for a poem.

take my hand and come with me

to a place we both have never been

where i heard the grass is green

the air is free

the water's fresh 

and full with fish

don't you want to tag along

and go to a place where we both belong

together forever and all those ding-dongs

where we'll sing love songs all night long

this poem may be rubbish to people

but it's the best one i can think of

the structure's not there

the rhymes doesn't fair

i am not a writer

just another dreamer, caught in reality's lair

so forgive me if this poem is nothing

compared to Shakespeare, Po and Kipling's

but what i can do

is write what i feel

this poem best describes how i feel

tired, stressed, loved, and complicated

and whatever it is in between

oh! wait. 

i thought this poem's about going

going to places where 

where? what?

where dreams exist and reality doesn't

oh wait.

i already am at the place.

it's all in my head.

all these while, all along, in that tiny space.

p.s: this is how i feel right now : crazy.

#notetoself

i have or had, plenty of things to write but i have or had been preoccupied lately with things that i have ignored you, oh-blog, to the extend that you are now so dusty and neglected. life's been fuckin hectic and yes as usual, as the semester draws to a close, all the assignments are piling and the lecturers all want them in one go. how exciting is that?!

in another unrelated point, people should just stop and think more. i should do this more. instead of being irrational, we should think and stop and stare and think. get me? instead of occupying our minds about other people that we don't actually like, why don't we think of happy thoughts instead, or thoughts of people that make us happy? i mean, there really is no point in getting stressed out about other people when we have ourselves to care for. 

i should practice saying things i really mean to people instead of talking behind their backs. oh yes, i do this too. 

if it is of other people's business and not of yours, please don't be so nosy about. it really isn't nice or cool being nosy about things. stop procrastinating. it's not good. always adhere to the original deadline. 

oh i once was talked for throwing all my emotional rubbish on Twitter. i have stopped (kinda) doing that but it seems other people are following my footsteps. so interesting, right? it's interesting to me as well that some people keep talking trash and being angry at other people for other people's faults but actually, in reality, those people are doing the same thing. funny right?

i think we should just all live in our own bubbles for sometime, or increase more of "me-time" instead of being  bound to something. and we should all once-in-awhile stop being so unnecessarily judgmental and stigmatize people and discriminating them. we're humans after all, we all have our faults. 

i know saying bad things about others behind their backs is a natural thing to do but i think we should all tone down a bit yeah? and one more important thing, we should not make assumptions. ok, maybe we should to some extend but we should at least know the levels of our assumptions. making assumptions doesn't help in anything really. or much. so stop, or tone down a bit. 

and oh, stop stereotyping. it's not good for anyone. it doesn't do justice on anyone. 

p.s: #notetoself