masak hati.

aku kerat hati

tetak sampai hancur

masak ikut resepi

bagi engkau makan

sedap kan?

yeah, sebab itu hati aku

nak lagi?

sorry.

that's the first and the last one.

p.s: tiada kena mengena dengan sesiapa. 

some things never change.

when i think of time, i'll try to think of something that would remind me of it. a sprouting tree, a growing cat, construction of new buildings: every single one of these things are reflections of the ever moving time. 

for a couple of years now i have been going to the same 'masjid' near my house to perform my Friday prayers and every Friday without fail, there will be this father and son, his son carrying a portable stool for the father to sit on when he performs his prayer. i reckon the father has some leg injury that forbids him from performing the prayer in a conventional manner. 

today, i saw them again. the father is getting old, with a beard and goatee with splashes of white hair on it. the son has grown up. he's a whole lot bigger than the first time i saw him. he was surrounded with friends with a smile on his face. in his hand, he was carrying his father's folded stool. 

usually, they'll be in the front row of the congregation but today, they were a few rows behind me. that's one of the changes i've noticed about the father and son. besides the fact that the father is getting old and the son growing bigger, i can see that the son has grown more confident by the way he carried himself today. no longer i see the timid, quiet son but a different person altogether. the sweetest thing is though, he still helps his father with the stool and he still sits faithfully beside him when praying.

i guess, there are some things time can alter, but for others, not even time can have enough force to change it. for every excuse when you say that time changes everything, try to reflect on the things that time can never change or alter. who knows, it will help you make more sense with our lives. 

p.s: rusty.

she will.

she busies herself in the kitchen, cutting the chicken into small, edible pieces, chopping some onions and chillies; some green vegetables. she moves as fast as lightning, she knows every single thing in the kitchen; she knows where exactly to put the salt and pepper, where the 'belacan' container is, what is available and what is not: after all, the kitchen has been her playground, her retreat from reality for the past 20 odd years or so. she knows little about the outside world. as much as she wants to go to places, she knows she is grounded to this familiar place: the damp-tiled floor, the broken down pots and 'kuali' shelves, the ant-infested wall, black and dirty too.

like a free bird caged, she moves from one place to another freely but she is never free. freedom is a foreign word to her, something she knows, something she cherishes and hopes for and yet she never experiences it. she turns her gaze to the greenery that is the backyard, shaded by the 'kedondong' trees and a banana tree at one corner of the backyard. the blue sky is about to turn dark. rain, she thinks to herself and sighs. she proceeds on with her cooking. the wind starts to blow swiftly and the sounds of the leaves shaking and kitchen symphony that she creates provide harmony, give her peace.

there is another thing that i know she wants so badly. another playground. a more beautiful, cleaner and more well-equipped playground where things are always available, food is well-kept, and where there is an oven where she can learn to bake cookies and cakes for her children, and for herself. she has been dreaming about this place for years and years, for years. never once it never escapes from her mouth of her desires to have another playground that she truly can call it her own; where she can roam free, and do whatever she pleases because the playground is hers, and no one else's.

and finally, in that new playground, she'd feel freedom she yearns for. i can see her eyes glistening, her smile never leaving her, her face glowing. she'll twirl and twirl around the new playground. 

she'll be finally happy and content. finally. 

p.s: this, i promise you.

goodbye, now.

the waves washed away all the letters
i had written down your name
nothing was left
no remnants 
nothing.




p.s: 

four letter word

with this heart i will care

with this pain i will bear

in the night i will think 

about you and me

in the day i will remember

memories that linger

here you are, you and me

lying down, staring blankly

into darkness decorated by lights

million miles away, smiling in delight

you hold my hand and say

"my love for you is true"

i smile back and say

"mine too, mine too"

we kiss shamelessly seen by audience

of the night

we do not care

we are in love

we are in love.

p.s: not for the faint hearted. 

hujan.

hujan lebat.

angin tiup kencang. 

tunggu dekat 'bus-stop'.

hujan makin lebat.

jom?

lari lari,

gelak gelak,

senyum senyum.

basah.

sejuk.

balik rumah

mandi.

baring, tengok siling.

lama dah tak mandi hujan.

(dan senyum seorang diri)

p.s: seronok bila orang dewasa berasa seperti kanak-kanak semula. 

Kelly Clarkson- Beautiful Disaster

"Beautiful Disaster"

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He’s as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he’s so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long

He’s soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He’s never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

[Fading]

Beautiful

(Beautiful disaster)

Beautiful disaster

p.s: this song means a lot to me. A LOT

Mr. Adam Adli - for greater good, or better few?

so there's this guy named Adam Adli, an influential young man, who fights for academic freedom (of which i don't have any clue to what he means by 'academic freedom') by protesting and calling other students to protest along with him for he and his massive followers believe that students should be given the right to be involved actively in politics, to voice out opinions and be more a part of the government. he believes that, students have the rights to be involved in politics because we are such a strong, dynamic group and other than that, we are young, and we are future leaders. 

academic freedom. politics. democracy. riot. 

interconnected by dots. if you picture these words inside your head, imagine them with dots and pictures and situations. beautiful isn't it? no? yes?

i have just one question for Mr. Adam: what is your REAL agenda in fighting for the academic freedom? why go through such great lengths? what is this academic freedom you fight for?

i am a boy with little experience and i only have my brain to think with but going through all the trouble? jeopardizing your studies for the sake of politics? i applaud him for his bravery and courage, charisma and bravado for fighting what he believes is right and should be fight for. however, the phenomena's spreading so rapidly that it now creates fear, and unnecessary chaos. 

at the very least, if you want to be involved in politics, don't be actively involved in it till you graduate. AUKU was created for reasons that were/are relevant. students shouldn't be involved in politics, not during their study years the very least. yes Adam Adli, you're a charismatic young man but please, if you want to fight for your rights, at least have a degree or something. it'll make you more credible, don't you think? look at you now Mr. Adam, you're suspended from your studies, fighting for a cause that you probably can't win. educational institutions' are places where you get educated, where your thoughts are supposed to mature and deepen and your thinking skills are developed. maybe that's why Mr. Adam is brave enough to come forward: his thinking. his ideology of an ideal society is where students get to be heard, be seen, be appreciated. students have power to decide, to conquer, to help steer the nation.

every action leads to consequences. as Isaac Newton puts it, every action has an equal or opposite reaction. did Mr. Adam think of the consequences of his actions? is this the leader we all look up to? why can't he be like Gandhi? why must we use force not psychology? maybe his mind is not strong enough? maybe, like his peers, he lacks patience? maturity is another key. when you ask for something, you will not get it easily, especially when it involves things in a huge, national scale like this one. things isn't as easy as, oh change. NOW! no, for some change to become effective and good, it takes time. patience.

in my opinion, academic freedom involves students to choose what they want to study (don't we have that already), involves students studying in comfortable, peaceful place (don't we have this too?), books and other references are of abundance (yes, we kind off have these too). yes, major improvements can be made with the system that's being used now. if Adam Adli is really focusing on academic freedom, maybe he should tackle problems such as: students' English in school, better facilities, cleaner toilets and canteens? not politics.

he IS a future teacher after all. maybe he sees politics as a vehicle of change. if students get to control the politics and have freedom in academics and the freedom to participate in politics, maybe their voices will matter more and the government will give more consideration to their thoughts and opinions. of course, the government won't want to lose this battle easily. somehow, i think, some where along the riots, the bashing, the media frenzy, a 'kata sepakat' will be reached between the government and Adam Adli's side. after that, everything will be quiet again.

their (pro-Mr. Adam) propaganda to allow students to speak, to have unlimited freedom to voice out things and join political parties at such a young and tender age, in a country where we have our sensitive issues, i don't think that's a good idea. such sensitive issues can be raised if such freedom is given to students and academicians. in a neutral place such as universities, politics is NOT important, education is. to bring your ideologies into an institution can really cause rifts within the systems, and it doesn't matter to MOST students. most of us want to study, get a good job that's relevant to our studies and education. if you think such moves like excluding AUKU within our country is necessary and good, pardon me sir, i don't think it works that way. speaking too much, immaturity and experience are lacking, politics shouldn't be our field. let me give you readers this statement:

FREEDOM WITH RESTRICTIONS. (analyse this).

please do not bring politics into class. it's just not right. if you fight with the basis that our students are not thinking enough, i think we are thinking enough. we are just not as vocal as you are. please do not label your own kind as being shallow, or being shallowed by university just because we are not involved in politics. there are more, far more important things to us than being involved in politics. we have our own lives to mend. 

government, disappointment, riots, government. the cycle continues, back and forth, round and round. so dear Mr. Adam Adli, here's my advice, read Animal Farm by George Orwell, analyse, digest, understand and interpret the message Orwell so cleverly written in his satire. 

we keep asking for more when we already have everything that we need. weird huh? it's a pity that due to some minority, the majority gets the taste of the medicine. this is just my opinion, Adam Adli, you do what you do best, and i'll do what i do best. i hope you'll win your fight and i hope you know what you're doing. is it for the greater good, or for the better of a few?

p.s: please, agree to disagree. maybe this opinion of mine is shallow, too. 

hidden

i am hiding secrets

behind my smile

of scars and bruises

unseen, naked 

to the blinded eyes

for as long as

this smile exists

many more secrets

will be hidden

many more scars and bruises

will be felt

many, many more

till one day this smile

will disappear

along with the shell

that it had been decorating.

p.s: who knows, who truly knows.

balasan

setiap perlakuan 

ada balasan setimpal

baik, buruk

cuma masa yang menentukan

janglah mengeluh, janganlah gusar

pasti akan ada balasan

bagi setiap perlakuan

bersabarlah

biar masa tunjukkan segala

bila tiba detiknya.

p.s: there's a girl named Karma. and yes, she can be quite a bitch. 

Amalina

a smart girl knows her choices. she chooses to be on the other side of the path so, let her be. it is not the right path for most people but so many youngsters are taking that path. the unfortunate thing is she is/was known because she scored 17A1's for her SPM. after that, she disappeared and resurfaced again because there were rumours (or probably true story) of her failing her studies in the UK because she couldn't make necessary adjustments. her credibility as a top student was questioned and the credibility of our education system is/was also questioned. now, she resurfaces again because of some saucy photos of herself were found on the net a few days ago.

these things, should not surprise us anymore. people change, right? maybe because she is/was viewed as one of Malaysia's greatest minds for scoring a whooping 17A1's at that moment in time. little girls (and boys) looked up to her as an idol (maybe) and strove to be like her. she even gave talks, had book endorsement deals, became spokesperson for this and that, and suddenly now she's a full grown woman who chooses to wear something more dramatic and sensational. she chose/chooses to be seen as what she is. 

so what?

remember, it's her choice. albeit it's wrong, but she's made a choice. nothing can change that fact except herself. like Suffiyah(?) and that Ariff dude, they've made choices, they've placed their bets. hate them all you like, they're not going to turn back and undo their choices partly because they think they've made the right one and they're happy (most probably, for Suffiyah's case she was desperate for money). 

our education system isn't the most creative. in fact, it's one of the most rigid systems in the world. it literally focuses on one's examination results and little emphasis is placed on the person's behaviour and character development. in school, drilling is being emphasized as being the ultimate tool for success. time is of the essence. teachers and students race against time before the national exams are held. focusing on studies, neglecting students' behavior development and things like that. nothing about life is being taught in schools. students are locked up in a room for 8-10 hours a day for 5 days getting drilled to memorize facts that they will eventually forget.

how about life's lessons?

yes, moral and religious education are being taught in schools but how effective can those subjects be if students don't practice what they are being preached. this leads to another thing: the home environment. 

many parents assume their children are 'good' and 'morally wise' just because they score well in their exams and because they are smart. however, their social lives are deprived of social awakenings and experiences and most importantly, freedom. too much freedom can have an adverse effect but when given the right amount of freedom, children will learn to value and appreciate the lives they live. 

the thing here is, there are other boys and girls, talented boys and girls, who are smart and gifted but they too are astray. it's not that they are stupid, or culture shocked (as many would point out), they just choose to live that way. we make choices everyday and our choices may or may not be accepted by the masses, but we make choices, for our own life's sake. a lot of smart people that i know drink, have sex, take drugs etc. it was unfortunate though for Amalina because the media that once helped her rise to fame is also the one that brought her down(?).

this leads to a bigger question, who's fault? should we play the blame game? should we close one eye and pretend that we don't know and we don't care? our society's thinking is limited by religion and culture. by limitations i mean, we have virtues, beliefs and our own lifestyle that we hold dearly to and that's why what has happened to Suffiyah, Ariff and Amalina sparked outrage amongst people. yes, you can be angry, disappointed and sad, but with limitations please. religions do not teach people to look down on others or condemn them. we can sit idly or wish them the best and pray for them; better yet, pray for yourselves that you won't end up like them. 

the most important thing to learn from this kind of phenomena is to learn from it. pointing out people's flaws as if we are saints will not solve anything. helping them we can, but if they do not want to help themselves, then what can we do? learn from these things. learn. 

you may not agree with the points i've just brought up here, but these are just my opinions, my side of the brain. humans aren't perfect. we make mistakes so we'll learn from them. this is her and their and our way of learning, but observing other people's mistakes and not forgetting our own. learn, educate yourself.

p.s: life's lessons occur every where and every time.

2012.

i stand at the shores, the sun's a setting. the colors turn bright red and orange but all around me: it's beginning to darken; little by little. the sea water hits my feet as the breeze rush through my face, slapping me gently all over, swooning me sideways. how i love the beach.

the water takes away my footprints. i think that's how some things and some people, even memories, work; they just disappear. i push my feet deeper into the sand this time but the water just comes again, and washes the footprint away. 

i think i hear someone calling my name.

across the sea, i can sea boats, ships both big and small, traveling the wide ocean going into the sunset. how nice, how nice. 

i hear children's laughter, people talking, laughing, shouting even.

this is the first day of 2012 and fast, it's ending. only yesterday, was the last day of 2011. i keep looking back, searching my memory for the things i experienced all through 2011. it was a memorable year, indeed. so many things happened, so many things learnt. throughout the year, i was tested with disease, financial problems, studies, heartbreak. throughout the year too, i laughed till i cried, i smiled endlessly, i found love, again. 

the sun's a setting and i hear people calling my name. it's getting colder. i love the feeling of water against my feet. 

i turned 21 on an auspicious date. i'm an adult now. signaled by year which should also be signaled by behaviour and thinking: but i'm still far, far away from maturity. so many more things to learn. i dare not hope for anything in 2012. i just want to take my day one step at a time. enjoy each laughter, each pain, each tears, each smile.

it's getting dark, i should be heading back. i step backwards and slowly, the water's losing its grip on me. turning my back, i look at my friends, smiling and asking me to hurry up. i look at the sky, the sea, i breathe in the salty sea air. 

2012, here i come. 

p.s: be good, please?