another year

I have digressed

forgive me for neglecting

some things- important

I have broken my promises;

(stay clear of making new ones (if possible))

a new light dawns,

a fresh start looms

get out of bed

and start living;

soon.

2012, bye

2013, hai.

p.s: there will be updates.

writing inability

someone told me I should continue to write, whatever it is. I tell myself I should be doing it too because, I love writing. sincerely, I do. the problem is, I don't write as well as I used to (not that I wrote like Shakespeare or Hemingway or Frost before). ideas don't flow out as beautifully. my language's a mess. my motivation's affected. distractions, there are more of those than inspirations. there are ideas of course but to pen them out, it's just so difficult. people sometimes look down on writers. yes, they don't make as much money (unless you're Rowling) as other jobs but it is JUST as difficult: coming up with stories people would read and not getting bad reviews of, living up to expectations; yes, writers have to do that because if they don't live up to expectations, people won't read their piece. so there is a whole lot of stress, burden and responsibility a-not-so-successful writer has to carry (mostly self-inflicted) because it is difficult to write. it bloody hell is. it's not like you could consistently write good things every single day, every single moment. I think some people have that general idea about writers-that ideas, words and sentences just flow out of their brains like a river flowing into the sea. well, some days, things do work out that way but most days, the water gets walled-up because a damn has been built in the brain so thoughts, their flow become more controlled and they don't flow as freely and beautifully. you must be reading, "but what I'm reading, you wrote, so why can't you produce some more of this?" well I could, but I won't like it because I just think it's not good enough. the reason why I'm writing this is because honestly, I'm getting frustrated with myself for my inability to write something good and my inability to come up with something great and catchy and different. I keep telling myself, "you need to write some more. you can write bout this and that and you can and you have to." but then again I've learned that forcing myself ain't gonna work. so I need a new strategy, of which I haven't figured out what just yet. hopefully it'll come, and hopefully I can come up with something different and good, just to boost my morale in regards with my writing ability. I'm not good, but I want to be better.

p.s: I've just got to have faith in myself, and push myself. 

so look around

I'm running out of ideas, I'm running out of steam

I'm running out of inspiration to keep me going.

I'm sorry dear blog for leaving you desolate and empty

It's not you honey, it's me.

p.s: but I'll try to get my writing back on its feet. I don't give up, right?

counting stars

I counted stars, all alone

and the tears would well-up in my eyes

blurring my vision

-miscounting the stars

so I had to start over,

counting

because I do not give up easily,

I just, do not.

p.s: life becomes difficult, life becomes easy. 

too much.

is it to much to say:

empty eyes were given lights as bright as stars

a broken heart was fixed and made whole

a fake smile exchanged for an honest one

and wondering soul stopped searching, 

and became one with the physical body

melancholy replaced with happiness

heartache was cured

the pain, gone.

but I know, 

oh I know,

the opposites of those above

can happen

and you, darling, 

can indeed become the sole

cause of it all-

it is indeed too much to say,

because how I know, truth and reality

can be much, much bitter, more bitter

than fantasy.

p.s: pinching myself to wakeup from this dream that I do not want to wake up from. 

apa kau, harapkan?

pabila aku berpijak ke tanah

kau menjulang ku tinggi ke langit 

pabila aku tidak mampu terbang dan jatuh

rebah, menyembah bumi,

kau ketawa besar,

"KAH! KAH! KAH!"

sama seperti bunyi meriam ditembak

di medan perang;

bingit dan sakit

segala hati, jiwa, raga-

pelik terasa

engkau yang junjung aku

dan pabila ku jatuh

kau tidak mengangkat ku sebaliknya

meninggalkan ku bergelut dengan tanah

dan lumpur seorang diri-

"mati lemas",

kata koroner, dengan nada flat,

walhal, mati kerana:

tidak mampu hidup mengikut, mencapai 

ekspektasi.

p.s: hope kills, you know?

of fate and destiny

what if, you've crossed paths with the one you're meant to be with? he could be the guy serving you coffee, she could be the one driving a beat-up Kancil stuck in a jam, cursing her brains while you're sitting in your own car feeling amused looking at her, he could be the one delivering your mail or she could be the girl you go to class with. Whoever they may be, don't you ever think that that person may be your one true love? I'm not saying that every person you meet every day could be the love of your life but think of those people whom you see from afar, who you could only imagine of being with, and then, BHAAMM! you're married to that person. lovely, ain't it? these things, where you're brave enough to flirt with the girl of your dreams or the guy of your dreams flirts with you, kinda happens only in movies; those cheap, funny romantic chic flicks that makes you wonder and crave for that kind of situation to happen in real life. for some lucky few, those scenes do come to life, for the majority, yes, we're still searching for the one.

so don't give up and don't be stingy. smile charmingly to the lovely girl at the counter, say thank you to the hot guy who served you food-you may never know what fate has in store for you. 

life has a funny way of tricking you. you may be in love now but you will probably not get married with the person you're with now because who knows, maybe in the future, your lover and yourself may fall in love with a new person? so what's the point of being in love? because, you need to try. you need to experiment. you need to experience. if things don't work out, then it will in the future because that's just how life works. I wish I have a better explanation for things but I don't. people breakup and get divorced because they don't even care to try. even if they did, they'll be too exhausted to try over so they just take the easier road and go their separate ways, and may end up falling in love again-with some random people they see almost everyday and live happily ever after with. 

who knows?

the point is, expect the unexpected. 

p.s: the ideals.

I remember

in no particular order:

I remember dancing around in my diapers, singing to songs without knowing what the songs were about. I remember going in and out of the hospital more than a dozen times because of my sickness. I remember those cartoons on Saturdays and Sundays, and eating breakfast as one whole big family; my late grandfather seating at the helm, eating porridge with anchovies, omelettes, fried rice, sardines from the can; and the festivities will branch out to lunch and even dinner. I remember going to school with nothing but books to carry and not duties. I remember coming out here for the first time, being away from the family and not knowing what to do. I remember the first time falling in love, my first time being in a relationship, and many other first times. I remember shouting "you son of a bitch" out-loud just cause I heard people saying it on tv, not knowing what it means then. I remember playing around the neighbourhood, I remember attending Quranic classes in the evenings with the other neighbourhood kids and I remember going to Pak Ayek's house to buy crackers and canned drinks. I remember scooping Milo out of the can in secret and eating a whole bowl of it, also my obsession towards "ikan kembong masak asam pedas" and rice with just soy sauce. I remember waking up this particular morning and watching Friends while my cousin was showering. I remember asking my mummy what a condom was while watching an episode of Friends. I remember I cried after not scoring straight A's for my UPSR. I remember watching Yo Soy Betty La Fea, Survivor, Rosalinda, Charmed, The Amazing Race, AF etc religiously. I remember borrowing books from the school library. I remember lying on my bed at night staring at the ceiling while listening to Mix.Fm on the radio. I remember wishing to be in love, and wishing to not have known what love was, or is, like. I remember performing at a Talentime show and my dad cried. I remember chasing this girl who ended up chasing another friend of mine and they ended up hooking-up with each other. I remember that clearly because that was my first heartbreak. I remember chasing the "apek jual roti van" and buying bread with the white cream and chocolate sprinkles on top. I remember frying rice during late nights with my cousin because we were hungry. I remember birthday celebrations with my late grandfather and later without. I remember my dad hugging me after I got my SPM results. I remember hosting Teacher's Day with a close friend. I remember going out with my late grandfather and he treated me to AnW, we went to town by bus, I vomited the food he treated me and he laughed at me. I remember crying in the bus after we buried him. I remember my dad being sick, and my brother being 'sick'. I remember playing with my friends on the school compound. I remember almost fainting. I remember the times I cried because of love. I remember holding hands while watching movies in the cinema. I remember cuddling. I remember the tears I cried when we said goodbye. I remember how difficult it was for me to move on. I remember long walks and endless discussions about life, and laughters echoing. I remember being carefree and not having anything to worry about. I remember some things and forgetting most things. I remember details, I forget the bigger pictures, I remember the bigger pictures, I forget details. 

I'm 22. Alhamdulillah. So many things to be remembered, so little things to forget. 

p.s: Happy Belated Birthday.

boleh, kan?

hati ku separuh ini, boleh kau jadi kan ia satu?

senyuman ku yang hilang, boleh kau carikan?

jiwa ku yang tidak tenang, boleh kau tenteramkan?

emosi lama yang sudah bertapak, boleh kau alih dan tanam yang baru?

perasaan rindu yang menggila, boleh kau ubati?

air mata yang mengalir, buat ia berhenti?

teman yang hilang dan dicari, boleh kah kau jadi pengganti?

tapi, 

soalan lagi penting,

boleh kah aku buat semua itu,

jadi pengganti (bagi yang sudah pergi)

dalam hidup kamu?

p.s: bukan engkau sahaja, aku juga perlu (buat apa yang patut).

addiction.

in the dead of the night

when all the world's a sleeping

I lie on my bed, untouched by light

awake and dreaming 

my thoughts carry their themselves to you

I picture you with me

all warm and cuddly too

these longings to be held and to hold

they never become old

I am addicted to your presence

I am addicted to you.

so come by as soon as you can

I miss you day, by day

night, by night

you have come into my life,

please stay, do not go away.

p.s: oh. oh. rindu.

apa kata hati?

berjuta bintang ku lihat tapi di luar 

langit sedang menangis

kencang;

bukan di langit ku pandang

tapi di mata kau ku lihat sinaran-

berkilauan megah.

aku mengambil bantal 

dan menekup muka ku 

tapi kau alih dan mencium bibirku dengan

perlahan-

"aku ingin lihat muka kau,"

seraya, mata ku bertentang dengan mata kau-

silau;

mata ku dikecilkan

dikala bintang-bintang kecil berkerlipan 

dan hati ku pun berbisik,

"ah kau, angau lagi."

dan aku pun berketawa kecil,

menyetujui kata hati.

p.s: di awangan kerana kau.

kisses

i blow kisses into thin air

hoping you'll be there

to catch those kisses upon

your sweet, sweet lips

so divine, so fine.

i can't get you off my mind

like a diamond you shine

bright, like stars too

you make me feel brand new,

baby boo.

so take me in,

take all of me,

be my baby

take me in, take me in;

kiss me right,

hold me tight

i'm a mess

make me fine

try your best

and i'll be fine.

i blow kisses into thin air

hoping you'll be there

baby, you are rare

so please don't disappear

don't go away.

p.s: Taurus.

the first and the last.

"you're different." she told him.

"i'm sure you say that to every guy you've when out on dates with." he replied nonchalantly.

"no i don't. i could tell, you're something different." she protested in defense.

"o.k. what makes me different from the rest of the other guys?" he asked and raised an eyebrow. 

she giggled at his expression. cute, she thought. "well if you must ask, i think... i... hmm... how do i put this..." she was struggling to find words to describe him but she couldn't. how could she describe this man? how could she? she has never felt this way before. sure, she has gone out on many dates before and sure some of the guys she's dated were hotter and richer but he, she thought, was different. she couldn't go to sleep without thinking of his warm smile, and at the thought of his clear green eyes, she'd shudder in delight. his touch sent electric jolts down her spine, raised goosebumps on her skin. he made her felt warmer in his embrace than she ever was covered with her blanket. she liked the way he held her in his arms. she felt safe, secure, wanted- she never felt that way with the other guys.

"so, no way could you describe what sets me apart from the other guys you've been with?" he asked her and a slow smile crept on his face.

instead of answering his question with words, she slowly leaned her head towards him and laid her lips on top of his and gave him a deep, sensual and passionate kiss. she held his head and played with his hair and that took him by surprise. she separated her lips from him and smiled when she looked at his surprised expression. 

"i love you. you're different because you're the first person to ever make me feel warm, wanted, safe. you give me life. you've opened my eyes, my heart and my soul and i love you. i've never, ever felt this way with the other guys." she told him while looking down at the floor. "you're my first love, i guess."

he cupped her chin with his hand and lifted her chin up so that she'd look at him straight into his eyes.

"you're not the first girl i've dated, and you're not the first love in my life but i sure damn hope that you'll be my one and only, my last."

she smiled and kissed him again and he replied her kiss, eagerly.

p.s: he was her first love but she was not is first love, but they were each other's last love.

gila dan mabuk

detik-detik bersama kau aku simpan;

aku catat atas kertas warna-warni

dan aku simpan dalam bekas kaca

kedap udara.

setiap kali aku rindu,

aku buka bekas itu dan aku baca

detik-detik tersebut sehingga

aku senyum sendirian seperti

orang gila-

orang gila yang sedang mabuk:

bercinta.

p.s: sehingga senyuman bertukar menjadi tangisan.

oh kau lagi?

kau tarik aku untuk jatuh cinta 

(semula)

dan aku dengan selambanya setuju

padahal aku tahu.......

(komplikasi emosi)

p.s: what have i gotten myself into.

life and death

as you bring life into a lifeless shell

and piecing together millions of pieces

of a shattered heart

resuscitating a breathless soul,

an emotional wreck of a body

whose battered skin, covered by black

and blue

trying to make me believe that i can feel,

again,

that i am ready for another round

of gunshots, of wounds, of vulnerability,

of love lost once, twice, 

thrice?

do know you will be the life of me,

the death of me.

p.s: rindu.

love is:

you know love can make you do the craziest things-things that you don't ever think of doing under normal circumstances? love can make you change your beliefs, it can change your ideas, and it can change your feelings. love is a force but it is an understatement. it is not a force. it is more than a force. it is something magical and for some, it is a fantasy. some have experienced extreme pain from it and some have gone through ecstatic happiness. love is not a force. a force does not dictate the way you feel. love is an energy. it gives life to lifeless souls. it is a challenge, love. it is tiring for some, repetitive in nature and often enables you to redo mistakes that you've sworn to not repeat. love is demanding. it takes a lot of your mind, your time, your energy. love is responsibility, understanding and everything in between. love is not just all things happy and glitter, sunshine and stars and the moon-it's pain too. it's a whole lot of pain sometimes. pain that makes you feel like you're going to die because you're so out of breath or your heart's beating so fast out of anger and frustration. love is not everything nice, love is everything ugly too.

love is scientific, it is literature, it is psychology, sociology, physiology, and it is life. love is an escape, love is an escape pod; some need to escape from love. love is confusing but certain. love is smart and renders people stupid. it makes the sane go crazy and the crazy to crazier. love is tragic, indeed. love is drama. love is simple in principles but complicated in nature. love needs execution. love needs communication. love needs life. love needs care. love needs individuals who care for each other. love is mysterious. no one can solve it. love is kinky. love is sexy. love makes you feel sexy. love makes you sleep, love distracts you from sleep. love is everything.

love is art. 

p.s: love. heh.

wretched thing.

i think i'm falling

deeper 

like i always do

i fear the fall

i fear most

not getting caught.

i am a naive, experienced

person, boy, man, kid?

i know

but i don't 

i keep on falling oh boy,

why do i do?

i might die, or get saved

whichever way

i'm still falling

whichever's the option

i know pain will be involved.

p.s: oh, love? pfftt

i am woman

there's this little cafe i used to frequent every weekend. i would bring my laptop, or a novel or two, and order a cheesecake, any kind of cheesecake, with a glass of orange juice, or a cup of tea or a vente of caramel frap. i didn't use to go there. but one day, when i entered the cafe, the guy behind the counter attracted me so. i fell hard for him even though i had only seen him the first time, on that day. i could've sworn i blushed, hard. i didn't know why i entered the cafe that day. i usually would just walk past it to get to my apartment but on that day, something magnetic pulled me into that small, girly, over-priced menu cafe and it was him. i believed whole heartedly it was because of him.

he had these icy blue eyes, the kinds that could penetrate into your soul. he had this thick set of black, messed up hair and sexy stubble all over his boyish face. his skin was tanned, but not too tanned. it was just the right shade of brown, get what i'm saying? gosh, was he sexy. i was queuing and when i got to the counter, he flashed me this charming smile that could melt Wolverine's adamantium skeleton. i remember stuttering when reciting what i wanted to him. i remember asking stupid questions like, 

"is the coffee sweet, but not too sweet?"

"did you make the cheesecake?"

"so, what is this? your part-time aside from doing modeling for Abercrombie and Fitch?"

turns out, him working as a barista is his main source of income. turns out, he owns the cafe. turns out, he is married. turns out, his wife is amazingly, insanely beautiful, funny, smart, gorgeous, sexy, kind- everything that i am not. 

the weeks before i found out he's married, i desperately tried to flirt with him and it was embarrassing. i would put on extra makeup, try on a bit more elaborate and more seductive clothing, would wear tons and tons of perfume, and i would bring intelligent books, just to show him that i was intelligent. i know i didn't have to do all those but i did anyways. i know my capabilities, my abilities, what i'm made of, my negatives and positives, and yet i went all the way to try and seduce this guy. i know i'm smart, i'm pretty enough to attract guys's attention and yet, i went all the way for him; and to find out that he's married at the end? it broke my heart. i was in a 'relationship' with him for about 6 weeks (that's the amount of time i spent at the cafe hoping that he'd notice me and talk to me. well he did notice me because i went there every weekend and we kinda had the small talk but that's it. i wanted him to notice me more, had more deeper conversations.) pathetic, right?

i suddenly have this realisation that women tend to go so far, so, so far when it comes to attracting the men of their dreams. really. it's weird. i don't consider myself a feminist but i don't support the idea of women having to subject themselves to beauty just because the men of their dreams want them to be beautiful. but here i am, or rather was, did the same thing and i feel like such an anal idiot. 

therefore i will end this rather depressing, and idiotic but rather insightful post by coming up with the mantra,

"if the man of my dreams can't accept me for the way i am, then screw him!"

p.s: women empowerment.

tegarkan hatiku

cinta datang tanpa disedari

bila pergi ia akan diratapi

dan proses akan berulang-ulang

sehingga mati.

p.s: when you least expect it.

aku menari, engkau?

terpukau melihat kau menari

eksperi gembira, sedih, melankoli

bermain-main di muka

topeng ditukar mengikut ritma, rentak

setiap gerak langkah mengikut masa

tepat

sungguh gembira 

wahai penari

walaupun aku tahu sebenarnya

hati kau sedang sedih dan gundah gulana.

teruskan menari bertukar-tukar topeng

apa saja kau mampu buat untuk

teruskan hidup.

p.s: selamatkan hidup.

percaya atau tidak?

i nampak unicorn semalam

terbang dengan gembira

tidak peduli sesiapa

terbang je dia merentas awan

i pun terpaku melihat unicorn tu

tak pernah nampak kot unicorn

baru semalam nampak

lepas tu unicorn lenyap disebalik awan putih

dan tak kelihatan

mula-mula i tak percaya unicorn wujud

tapi sekarang dah tengok dengan

deria sendiri

persepsi dah bertukar

perasaan pun.

harini i bagitau rakan-rakan about the unicorn

tak seorang pun percaya 

even with the detailed explanations

they still wouldn't believe me

biarlah.

i yang nampak biarlah i sorang yang percaya.

dia orang tak nampak apa yang i nampak.

biarlah unicorn,

i percaya awak ada.

nanti satu hari dia orang akan nampak awak

dan like me, they'll believe.

trust me,

they'll believe.

p.s: "believe. you must let yourself be open to accept it."

this is life, somewhat.

it's like this:

when you like a t-shirt and the other person says, "it's alright i guess," but you love that shirt more than anything so you went on to buy that t-shirt and everyone knew you loved that t-shirt and people associated that t-shirt with you. one day, that same person who wasn't as ecstatic about the t-shirt as you were began wearing the same t-shirt and claimed that he had loved the t-shirt all along, from the start.

or

when this person starts staking claim on what's yours and begins parading it every where she goes. she's become an owner of something that isn't even hers in the first place.

or

when you feel like you have no place that you truly belong to, the people that you belong to start to belong to someone else and you become lost and confused not knowing where to go. it's like you have a map, but it's useless because it's an empty map and it doesn't show you where you're supposed to go.

or

when you have an ice-cream and you'll eat it slowly so you'd savour the taste but you'll know eventually it's gonna finish or else it'd melt and it'd become a waste.

or

it's when you know you're losing but you'll try anyways but you know you'll lose, but you're persistent and you know you'd lose, but you just want to win anyways.

or

when someone has that something shiny and everyone goes to that person because that person has that something shiny and you don't so you end up feeling inadequate no matter how good you feel about yourself. 

or 

you know you're not supposed to get attached to something but you do, because you're human and when you get detached, you cry and you start blaming circumstances and other people when in the beginning you know that it was a bad, horrible, stupid, out-of-thy-mind idea to get attached to something, or someone.

p.s: loser, loser, someone's gonna light you up on fire.