high school.

it's been years since i last stepped into my high school but i still can remember how the corridors looked like when i was there, i could imagine the people that went to school there when i was there, i could see the teachers who were teaching there when i was still there, and i could still remember watching the sunrise slowly creeping out in the horizon from the corridor of my classroom. it's one of those things that will forever be in my mind.

my high school years weren't the best i can warrant you that. i was an average kid. everything about me was average from the way i looked, the way i acted and my grades. i didn't stand out. i was happy, carefree. i didn't really care what people thought of me. i didn't know what heartache was. the only heartache i knew came from listening the stories of love from my friends. i wasn't busy looking for anyone. there were crushes here and there but nothing turned out to be anything serious. i was happy being alone and being with my friends. having a relationship was no where near my mind. all i cared about were my friends and about myself. my friends were already busy flirting, hooking up, having boyfriends and girlfriends, talking about feelings and relationship problems and there i would listen and give advice (of which i learnt from books i've read and movies i've watched) to my friends and i would remind myself how if i were ever in a relationship i'd do things differently from what my friends did.

i remember spending afternoons after school hours 'hanging out' in the library. i '' because hanging out usually involves hanging out at some cool places like the mall or cafe or deli but to us, the library was our place. nerdy, lame, i know but that our sanctuary, our clubhouse. we would spend every afternoon doing our homework first and study a bit before closing our books and gossiping and talking about the future. we'd spend hours and hours from Monday until Friday together in the discussion part of the library where all the books are kept just talking, discussing, having fun to pass the time away. we didn't get sick of each other's company, in fact, we were looking forward to our little meetings in the afternoons.

at 500pm we would walk out of the library, walk down 2 flights of stairs and walk straight to the what was then a maroon-roofed patio with white tiles as our sitting place whilst waiting for our respective parents or guardians to pick us up. sometimes, on some days, we'd walk to the other side where the all girls school is located and we'd buy snacks from a lady who sells drinks from her white van. back then there was also this Malay lady who sold potato wedges near where the Chinese lady would park her van. 

the best part about being in high school was we'd talk about dreams as if they were really distant in the future. i remember imagining having my own fashion magazine empire called St. Osa with a dear friend (she's going to get married soon. time flies, huh?) and how i told them if i were thinner and attractive i'd apply to become an air steward. there was really little for me to fret or worry or being emotional about when i was in school. all i had to worry were my grades, my homework, my friends' problems and none of my own. i now know why they'd call me the 'happy-go-lucky' guy because i truly was happy and content. 

now, about 5 years since i've left school, things are definitely different. i am different. definitely more emotional but i couldn't say for sure whether i've matured. i've gone through so much and i looking back, remembering and wondering about some of the things that were said back then, those talks i had with my friends, how things, most of them, didn't turn out how they would or should. my views on certain things have changed and i am definitely more aware of how the real world functions. i know more about life than i ever did when i was in school, and i am not sure whether some of the things i've experienced i would've expected myself to experience. truth be told, i don't think i've expected the things that i've experienced thus far after i've completed schooling to happen to me. 

but this is true: i won't ever forget the simpler days of school years. they were torturing yes, but they were a whole lot of fun too. much, much simpler times with less complex issues to deal with, less emotional and psychological torture. i am definitely missing my school years. i wonder if my classmates and my other friends miss high school too. they're all over the place now living their lives. i am too, living my own. 

i have contemplated of stepping through the gates of the school and walking around to see what has changed in that alma mater of mine but i've yet to do so. maybe one of these days i would go back. maybe i should.

p.s: much simpler times, i miss.

hey, i've dreamt you into life.

hey [insert act of going up to a total stranger, an attractive total stranger]. i'm sorry, but i think i've seen you somewhere haven't i? no? seriously? i'm so, sorry that i'm freaking you out right now but i think i've seen you somewhere. you think so too? wow. this is weird. i thought i was the only one [insert small laughter, charming smile, awkward body movements]. hey, my name is Robert, without the Pattinson [insert act of holding out hand for a handshake]. not funny huh? then why are you smiling [insert charming smile]? reflex action to a lame pick-up line? i wasn't doing any pick-up line. i was just being me. you don't believe me? charming guys still do exist [insert act of being offended]. you're going? hey, i didn't catch your name yet! Sarah? wow. that's a beautiful name. it suits you really well. thanks, my mum has this knack of naming all her children correctly. wow! your mum too? we have so much in common. hey, i just met you and this is crazy, but... oh my god... did i just sing to you? gad, i'm so... yeah, lame. thanks for completing that sentence [insert charming smile]. so hey, here's my number and i hope that we can go grab a cup of coffee or something later on? yeah sure [insert act of giving phone number to Sarah]. so, i hope i'll get to see you soon [insert charming smile]? yes, the power's in your hands definitely [small laughter]. so i'll see you around then, Sarah? nice meeting you, and urmm.. call me, maybe? god, i have to get that song out of my head [insert charming smile, small laughter, and a hand wave]. hey Sarah. wanna know why you seem so familiar to me? it's because i've been dreaming of you, lately [insert charming smile and the act of walking away slowly]. now that's a pick-up line [insert small laughter].

*

Sarah looked at the phone number on the palm of her hand and she couldn't believe her luck. she was there at the market just planning to buy some apples and who would've known she'd stumble upon a charming, handsome, funny man who was clearly into her. she thought of his last words to her and how they seemed to not be funny to her. funny, i've been dreaming of you too, she whispered to herself and walked away from the apple stand with a huge smile on her face. 

*

no, you're not a dream Sarah, you're real. i've been dreaming of you for a while and seeing you at that apple stand made me do something that i thought i could have never done, Robert said to himself. he played the scene over and over again in his head as he walked away from the market. you're real Sarah. i've been dreaming about you and you're real. i've kinda dreamt you into life, Robert whispered to himself.

"i think i've just met my soul-mate." Robert said to no one in particular and he had a huge smile on his face, too.

p.s: stories, dreams, fantasies, they come true, sometimes.

ratap

kata-kata ku tidak sehalus 

yang engkau penakan

tidak bermakna di mata kau

hanya sebesar zarah mikroskopik

yang tidak signifikan

kau tolak ke tepi dan terus

berjalan tidak menoleh ke belakang

walau untuk sesaat

tapi apa yang kau tahu?

gelora di hati

kesedihan di jiwa yang memakan diri

hari demi hari

menanti saat yang tidak akan datang 

kembali?

rindu tidak berbalas hanya disepak

lebih jauh 

ini luahan hati ku

yang meronta-ronta, menjerit

pedih, sedih, letih

tidak terhenti.

p.s: melankolik, kan?

stars

i love looking up at the stars. looking at them makes me happy. they make me happy some how. the most beautiful i've seen them was when i was in form 2 and i was in this nature camp with my then best friend. the camp was at a forest reserve in Kuching and there were no city lights to blind the stars above. i remember just looking up and admiring those seemingly randomly arranged clusters of stars and those were the brightest i've seen of them in my life. i was awestruck by their beauty. it's hard to picture that they are actually billions of light years away from us and it seemed at that time when i was looking at them, they felt so near and close. i felt like picking one and putting it in my pocket.  

the night sky in Kuching is the most beautiful i must say. just the other night i felt like the whole city was brightened up by those litter of stars. tonight is no exception. there's a moon accompanying those balls of gas and the sky, though black and dark, is now bright because of the moon and stars' presence. 

i love looking at the stars. they calm me down. they make me feel like there's something better out there; whatever that something may be. they make me feel significant and insignificant at the same time; significant because i am admiring their beauty from afar and insignificant because there are billions and billions of them in the galaxy-gigantic balls of gas and here i am a speck of microscopic dust of a human on Earth, gazing at them for their beauty.

whenever i feel like i'm going crazy or there's no one i could turn to, i look up at the stars at night and i talk to them somehow, sometimes in whispers, sometimes in shouts, sometimes as if i'm talking to a stranger or sometimes as if i'm talking to a person who truly understands how i feel. though they're not always there, in the sky at night, but whenever they are, i take my time smiling, gazing at them, wondering about them, thinking bout them, making wishes, or sometimes silently admiring them. 

wherever i may be, those stars sometimes they will follow me and they're like clusters of companions to me. i know, when i need some reassurance of magical and divine proportions, the stars will be there to guide me. i love the stars. i love them to bits; because like family and friends, i know they will be there somehow when i need them.

p.s: did i tell you i love looking at stars?

my uncle's stories

my uncle, the husband to my aunt who is my father's eldest sister, loves to tell me stories about the past especially the ones involving my father's eldest brother which makes him my eldest uncle, the eldest child of my late grandparents. he'd usually ramble on about the history, the negative ones usually and sometimes i feel like i don't want to hear them but what can i do. so i just sit down quietly and listen patiently to his stories or ramblings. some of the things, well most of the things he tells me are usually things that he has told me before so it kinda annoy me to have to listen to the same stories over again but i keep quiet and i keep listening to the repeated stories, repeated stories about my family's past. 

i won't tell you what the stories are usually about this is what i have learnt from these stories: do not repeat the same mistakes, ever; especially the huge ones.

i learnt that by looking back on our past helps us to be aware of our present and it makes us wonder more about our future. this is what i feel when i listen to the stories that my uncle tells me. i mean, i get this feeling that i shouldn't repeat those mistakes that were done in the past. that's what history lessons are for: to teach and tell us that mistakes are not supposed to be repeated. but we humans, well, we tend to repeat and recycle our mistakes sometimes don't we? i don't know the exact reason(s) why my uncle would tell me these stories every time i'm alone with him but i guess he just needed someone to let go of his frustrations about the things that happened many, many years ago or he wants me to learn something from it. i am not sure but whatever his reasons are, he would always end up telling me these stories.

"you're the only person i tell these stories to. these are family secrets and i'm telling these only to you."

i don't feel burdened by this responsibility (if i can call it that) and i'm not sure if he expects me to share these stories with the other people within my age range in the family but i guess i'm his (un)official secret bearer of some sort. 

o.k back to talking and looking back on the family's past events, i guess what my uncle (directly or indirectly) wants me to learn is to appreciate the things i have now, how far the family has come, what the family has gone through etc. and i guess that's the good thing of looking back at our past. it helps us learn, it helps us assess how far we've come in life and it should really help us to move forward in life. my uncle talks of regrets and stuff and how he doesn't feel any regrets about the things that happened and i guess what he feels is right. regrets are good because they make you realise things but holding on to them wouldn't change what has happened many, many years ago. like i said, i don't know what my uncle's reasons are for telling me these stories; maybe he can't let go, maybe there is regret somewhere deep down inside of him, maybe he thinks of the what ifs but my uncle's a wise man. i think he realises that the past is the past and there is nothing he can do to change it, he just needed someone to listen to his frustrations about the things that happened, some sort of shoulder to cry or lean on.

he never fails to do to this every time i come back home and when there's only the two of us in the car or in a  room. he'd start the conversation and he'd go on and on telling the stories that i've listened him tell me many times and i'd just keep quiet, and smile sometimes and look down at the floor because honest to God, i don't what to say or i don't know how to appropriately react to his stories so i'll just be a silent listener; nodding here and there and smiling while he goes on telling about the past that has helped to shape the present, my present, and i couldn't help but think of the what ifs too. 

p.s: the possibilities, endless possibilities.

realisation(s) on being single

i got up from my bed, opened the bedroom door and headed to the toilet. at the sink, i saw my tired face, eye-bags and all reflected in the mirror. i opened the tap and cold water came rushing out of it. i cupped some of the cold, chilling water on my palms and splashed my face with it. suddenly, my brain started working somehow and a really, really poignant, significant, impactful realisation hit me.

i'm just not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone right now, or for the next few months or even years perhaps. i just realise i just need people to accompany me during some lonely times that i will face. i don't need to tie myself down to someone or be with someone just because i am lonely. i think that's a pathetic excuse to be with someone. people will ask you, "so what made you want to be with him/her?" so you start conjuring sweet, sweet lies to cover the bitter truth that you were lonely at that time and most likely vulnerable too so every moment or opportunity you have or had, to secure a "relationship" with someone you will definitely take and voila! now you're in a relationship and probably thinking of ways to get out of it. (oh honestly i've been here and when the tables got turned, it hurt so bad. but that's a different story, one you've heard too many of a time).

so what made me realise? i don't know. maybe the cold water kicked some neurons' asses that finally made some sense in my mind that i don't really need anyone right now. i mean i admit, it's cool and nice and secure and fulfilling to have that special someone to talk to during the middle of the night, someone who'd constantly utter those three words other people are dying to hear and say, someone to call you sweet things, someone who you know will be there for you, who'd make your phone come to life again with constant beepings and other sounds or soundtracks or ringtones and the list goes on but like i said, maybe i don't really need all of these right now. i mean, it'd be nice to have these things again like i used to but it has become more of a want than a need. i want and i need are two totally different concepts to me. i can live without what i want but i definitely cannot live without what i need. so, do you see the concepts here? need i explain further? no? ok.

maybe the reason why i don't want to get myself involved in a relationship for now is because i haven't found anyone decent really. decent. decency. so, so, so hard to find a decent person nowadays. ok i'm lying. it's not just decency i'm talking about here. mostly my standards. i'm pretty picky and i have my standards (don't look and judge me. i know you do too!) and i know i'm in no position to be picky, but why can't i? why can't i be picky and choose what's best and right for me? the other question would be, how would i know if the person's the best and right one? well, that my dear friends, i'll leave up to my heart (and mind) to decide. but that will come later when (IF) i've met "the one". looking for someone has become tiring. meeting people hasn't become as exciting as it used to be. i mean, i'm still interested in meeting new people but it's no longer interesting. plus with the whole "everyone's on the net" thing, kinda makes meeting people more challenging because you know, exposure is everything and pictures play a huge part and what you think is also open and how you charm people online is different. i mean, this is just online, think about the amount of work you have to do to impress the person when meeting face-to-face for the first time (cue The Script's For The First Time though it's an inappropriate song to be played on this slot).

searching for someone that fits my criteria of an ideal partner has become so tiring and frustrating that right now i'm just sailing on the ship single-guy-ahoy and enjoying little and short trips on tiny, insignificant islands before maybe, maybe, finding or settling down on some unchartered mainland somewhere in the horizon (such hyperbolism there. hyberbolism. is there such word?). so i'm just taking my time you know, getting to know people, rejecting, getting rejected. the cycle goes round and round. maybe i should become less picky and lower my expectations and standards. ok. no. lowering standards, no. lowering expectations, yes. yes, life is not a movie. there's not gonna be that one charming person who suddenly walks into your life and charms the pants off of you and you end up falling in love and after facing some ridiculously lewd and shrewd and simple-yet-you-make-it-so-dramatic-and-complex climax and issues, you end up being happy in the end. no, life's not like that. a lot of people wish it is, but it's not. it's tough, life. it's unfair, life. so, instead of waiting around for someone charming, why don't you and i, we practice the art of being charming and charm other people and be that charming person instead? or better yet, just don't go looking around. just, do your own thing, you and i, and maybe that charming person would come by and stay in your life and mine. who knows? they (whoever "they" are) say that the best things in life come when you don't go looking so maybe, we should all stop looking but this will only happen when we don't realise that we have actually stopped looking. see the psychological game there?

i don't know where i'm going with this honestly. i thought this post was going to be short but i have a lot more things to type than i had anticipated. 

a relationship is nice to have. it is. especially with someone you can connect so well with, so, so well with. and i lost my point whilst deleting the line before i typed this one down. anyways, maybe this time around being single is the best thing for me. chasing people just so i could be in a relationship with them is just so, needy and desperate. i don't want to be needy and desperate (been there done that. ain't pretty). yes, i do admit to complaining about being single and how lonely it gets but being lonely is a part of being single. it's the most tragic thing about being single but think about the other positive things about being single. yes, i'm justifying my singularity (i don't know if this word can be used in this context) but who says justifying what and how you feel is wrong? reality is perception and this is my perception, what i believe best for myself and hence, being single is best for now, and best for me. my unicorn is a unicorn without another unicorn. my unicorn for now is a realistic unicorn who now possesses a less dreamlike quality about love and a more, earth-shattering, realistically mind-blowing expectations, grounded kinda love. and plus i don't think i'm ready to love anyone yet you know. love is just so, confusing of a concept for me to grasp and understand right now. i have so many different interpretations of love in my own mind that it's scary and daunting. so, yes. until my concept of love has been decided upon or my views on love has returned to its original state, maybe then i'll consider about being in love and in a relationship.

another thing, i'm just not ready to jump into another commitment when i have other commitments to look out for. yes, i do wish sometimes it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with at night, someone who'd hold your hand while watching a movie in the cinema, someone who'd stop by and give you a peck on the cheek or kiss you secretly in the dark on the lips; all of these are ideals: ideals that i will have to live without for now. life ain't so bad being single. just got to get used to the loneliness sometimes and the aching, moaning heart. other than that, you're fine being single. i'm fine being single. i'm going to be fine. there will be emotional breakdowns and shit, but hey, this doesn't only happen to single people, people in relationships face this too. so relax, take a chill pill. be happy with life. there's only one to live with and by.  plus, being in love and in a relationship are not the most important things right now. so why fret about it?


love will come. sooner or later. whenever it will come. surprise, or not. it will. it's just that for now, i don't believe it will as soon as i'd love for it to come. but i still do have faith that it will. a tiny hope in me remains, but largely now i'm a skeptic who's just fooling around with the word 'love' and the ideas and notions that it carries along. 

p.s: please, please, if i do complain about being single, remind me to read this blog post again.

journal-entry-ish kinda book.

it was a cold night so i wore two layers of sweater. i took out an inky black pen from my pencil case and a newly bought journal-entry-ish kinda book with its soft shiny black covers with a yellow-coloured speech bubble at the front from my bag and i dashed outside where the cold was really biting my skin despite the two layers of sweater i was wearing. i picked a comfortable spot where there was enough light for me to write and at the same time a place where i could lean my back. 

i opened the new and empty pages of the journal-entry-ish kinda book and began writing my thoughts down, not even stopping for one bit. i lashed out my emotions on those blank pages and slowly, page by page was filled with my emotional rage, upsets and rants, represented with really ugly distorted handwriting, written in black, inky pen. bit by bit my mind and thoughts ease as what i had in my brain slowly leaked out onto the pages. everything i felt, everything i wanted to say out-loud but couldn't, everything i had stored in my heart and in my brain; everything was there, in that journal-entry-ish kinda book.

i wrote down what i felt especially, my thoughts, my disappointments, my anger, my frustrations all inside the empty pages of the journal-entry-ish kinda book for the next few weeks. i wrote with the same inky black pen and wrote in the terribly ugly distorted handwriting that i am well-known for. i leaned against a wall, shut my mind from the world and i would write and write until my mind said stop. so i would stop, close the book, get up, and go on with my life. i did this for the next few weeks or so.

then i stopped. i stopped. the journal-entry-ish kinda book is now lying somewhere, collecting dust. i just stopped. maybe i was tired writing the same shit all over again and again. it did relief my emotional burdens a bit but then it kinda made me feel more, i don't know-out of place? out of my touch? something about writing in that journal-entry-ish kinda book in a negative manner made me stop. i became lazy. the inky black pen was running out of ink anyways, so i stopped. i stopped completely.

i didn't have time for negativity. everything around me was moving so fast that writing inside the journal-entry-ish kinda book became a chore. it wasn't supposed to end up as a chore. it was supposed to be facilitative, helpful. it didn't turn out that way. after a while, i got tired. i stopped writing inside the journal-entry-ish kinda book

i stopped. 

p.s: and i should continue stopping.

wanita bergelar isteri

"eh, urut aku lok," kata lelaki itu dengan suara kasar, hampir tidak dapat didengar dan difahami perkataan yang keluar dari mulutnya. tetapi wanita itu faham. walaupun penat, lelah, dan mengantuk, bangkit wanita itu dan di dalam kegelapan bilik itu, hanya disinari dengan lampu-lampu bintang yang datang melalui tingkap, dia meraba-raba mencari sebotol minyak gamat. "ahhh jumpa pun engkau," bisik wanita itu di dalam hatinya. lalu, dituang sedikit minyak gamat itu ditangannya lalu diurutnya kaki lelaki yang sedang tidur tidak nyenyak kerana sengal badan. "kuat sikit, sik berasa," kata lelaki itu lalu wanita itu menguatkan lagi usahanya dan mengurut dengan lebih bertenaga, menggunakan segala kudrat yang dia ada. bunyi dengkuran daripada sang lelaki pun kedengaran setelah beberapa minit dan wanita itu pun sedikit demi sedikit memperlahankan urutannya, dan sedikit demi sedikit mengangkat tangannya daripada kaki si lelaki lalu pabila sudah selesai, dipakaikan balik tudung botol minyak gamat dan ia diletakkan disebelah bantal dia lalu pabila sudah kepala diletakkan di atas bantal, tutuplah matanya menuju ke alam mimpi.

*

"eh ubat ku ney?" tanya si lelaki. si wanita bergegas keluar dari dapur sambil masih memakai apron dan makanan di dapur belum siap lagi. lalu dicari wanita tersebut sebuah bekas berisi segala jenis ubat yang ada untuk segala jenis penyakit yang dihidapi si lelaki. dibuka oleh wanita itu bekas tersebut dan sepaket demi sepaket ubat dikeluarkan dia dan diletakkan dia ubat-ubat tersebut di atas tangan si suami. beliau pun bingkas bangun ke dapur, menuangkan air suam ke dalam gelas lutsinar dan bergegas semula ke luar untuk memberi air kepada si lelaki. setelah memastikan segala ubat telah ditelan si lelaki, dia senyum dan bangun semula ke dapur untuk menyiapkan makanan yang sedang masak, untuk si lelaki juga.

*

"eh , barang makan dah siap." kata si wanita. satu per satu hidangan dihidangkan di atas meja makan dan si lelaki yang sedang baring di atas lantai beralaskan sekeping tilam nipis sambil memakai cermin mata membaca surat khabar pun dengan perlahannya bangun daripada tilam tersebut dan sedikit demi sedikit berdiri dan berjalan sedikit terhencot ke meja makan. si wanita menarik kerusi dan setelah itu meletakkan nasi ke dalam pinggan dan suami mengambil pinggan tersebut dan mencedok lauk-pauk yang telah disediakan wanita itu. diratah dengan sedap lauk tersebut. sementara si lelaki makan, si wanita duduk di atas kerusi di ruang tamu sambil mengeluh kepenatan. dia mengambil surat khabar dan membaca sementara si lelaki menikmati juadah. setelah habis juadah, si lelaki datang dan baring semula dan si wanita pergi ke meja makan dan mengemas hasil si lelaki.

*

"eh, baju ku ney?" si wanita sedang sibuk menerika baju anak-anak. lalu diambilnya baju si lelaki yang bergantung di tombol pintu almari dan diseterikanya baju suami dengan penuh kesabaran. si lelaki pun datang dan si wanita menyarung baju itu keatas badan lelaki itu. lalu, lelaki itu pun membutangkan baju tersebut. setelah selesai, si lelaki pun bergegas pergi meninggal si wanita dan baju-baju anak-anak yang tidak lagi habis diseterika serta baju-baju yang ada di dalam mesin basuh yang menunggu untuk dikeluarkan dan dijemur dibawah panas terik mentari.

*

"eh, ney rokok? kunci motor ada sik dirik nangga?" si wanita pun bergegas naik ke tingkat dua rumah dan mengambil rokok yang berada diatas mesin basuh. lalu bergegas ke bawah dan mencari beg dia. di dalam beg tersebut, kunci kereta. lalu diberikan kepada si lelaki kedua-dua barang tersebut dan lelaki itu pun bergegas keluar dari rumah dan si wanita duduk di atas kerusi, melihat si lelaki keluar membawa kereta berlalu pergi.

*

si isteri jarang mengata apa-apa. cuma di dalam doa setelah setiap waktu solat, ditadahkan tangan dia dan mulut terkumat-kamit meminta dengan penuh harapan daripada yang Esa agar dilindungi sang lelaki serta anak-anak. dikurniakan rezeki yang lebih, diminta agar penyakit si lelaki sembuh, dan dijauhkan si lelaki dan anak-anak daripada segala bala dan bahaya. si wanita berdoa dengan lama. segala hajat di hati diminta daripada yang Esa. aku cuma melihat dan retak hati melihat, kerana apa yang dipinta, kebanyakkannya aku tidak beri kepada si wanita. mungkin juga orang lain pun tidak dapat memberi apa yang dipinta oleh si wanita daripada yang Esa. si wanita berdoa dengan penuh tekun, penuh harapan, tidak lekang mulut terkumat-kamit meminta itu dan ini yang Esa. hati kecil ku hanya mampu berdoa juga,

"ya Allah, kau tolong berikan segala yang diminta ibuku. kabulkan lah doa ibu ku. she deserves so much happiness after all she's gone through in her life. aku meminta kepada mu ya Allah seperti mana ibuku meminta daripada Mu, lindungilah dia, murahkan rezeki dia, panjangkan umur dia, berkatilah hidup dia ya Allah."

air mata menitis daripada mataku dan tidak semana-mana wanita itu habis berdoa dan memandang ku dengan pelik. aku hanya mampu senyum dan berkata, 

"mak juh goreng cucor."

"kejap gik mak datang. sedia bahan nun."

dan aku pun bergegas turun dari tingkat atas ke tingkat bawah lalu aku terserempak dengan sang lelaki yang baru habis menonton tv gamaknya.

"mak ko ney?"

"baruk abis sembahyang."

"bapak belom dicucok insulin gik tok" kata lelaki lembut. lalu dia bergegas ke atas dan aku dengar perbualan dia dengan si wanita. dalam hati ku berbisik lagi

"beruntunglah bapak dapat mak. sangat beruntung."

p.s: semua kita beruntung. cuba buka mata, dan lihat semua, dan bersyukur dengan apa yang ada.

the end of semester 6

i was riding in Lin's car along with Ikah (in the backseat with me) and Naim (in the front seat with Lin) and we were on our way to LCCT because i was gonna go back home after a very hectic semester 6. the weather was warm and we were chattering noisily about our future, our past and our present. at some point they were talking and i was quiet. i was quiet because not only was i tired after packing my stuff the night before but i was thinking how beautifully, complicated, complex, in wonderful and shitty ways my life has turned out. never in a million years would i imagine these three people, whom i was so distant with in the first one year of degree or so that we'd grow close like we are now. 

this semester has been quite an emotional journey for me and it has effected me in many, many ways. but i have grown and learned a lot from going through the emotional paths that i went through. the emotional burden was so great that i think my studies got affected a bit. my friends were worried (and annoyed) at my state of being and wanted me to change. slowly, i did. that's when i begin to realise things. i begin to realise that friendships are one of the closest thing one can compare to love. i have grown much closer to people and even though at the beginning of the semester i was all moppy and shit, towards the end all that surrounded me were laughters of my own and my friends'. believe me, without them, i would've broken down not even halfway through semester 6 with all the workload that we were facing. 

i am thankful for what i went through because like what Boi and Arshad said, if i don't go through this, i won't learn anything. it has changed my perception about love almost entirely. i have become more realistic and a little bit of a pessimist with this tiny kindling flame of hope in his heart on the matter of love.

a lot of happy things happened in semester 6 too. the Minimalist, trips to Terengganu and Cameron, fun microteaching sessions, makan-makan with Madam Rosalind, watching movies with Boi and Naim, meeting new people, theaters, outings and karaokes. so semester 6 wasn't that bad. i have some really cool friends that helped me get through it safe and sound and yes, the most important thing is getting through it.

looking back, i have achieved so much in my 4 years of university life. so, so much. i have grown into a different person, i think and act differently and i have done things that i would never think in a million years that i would. i have experienced things that i never imagined and i am thankful for everything; every single detail, good and bad that has happened to me. without those details, i will not be who i am today. i am thankful for the people that i have met, especially my friends. they have shaped me into this person that i am, helped created my characters and taught me lessons, gave me valuable advise and have never given up on me. thank you.

i will have one more year with you people. ONE YEAR. after that, we will all go our separate ways. let's make the best of it, shall we?

p.s: growing up and staying young at heart. :)

we'll manage

"i think i have to go." he said to her. his bags were packed and he definitely was ready to go, and leave her.

"this is not how things are supposed to end between the two of us." she said between sobs. she expected their departure from each other weeks before today but the overwhelming feelings that came along with the departure: that, she didn't expect, at all.

"you want me to leave right? i'm just giving you what you want." he said calmly as he collected the remaining of his things from her bedroom: his shirts, his briefs, some of his pictures, a few of his old toy cars that he'd play with before he fell asleep. she always thought that that act was childish but now all she could think was how endearing it actually was. 

"i know, i know but couldn't we at least talk about it? i mean where we're supposed to be after this? are we going to be o.k.?' she said, sitting at the edge of her bed now, trying her best to remain composed but she couldn't hold back her sobs, it was too hard.

"i don't know about you, but i have this fantastic plan laid out. i will be out of your hair, out of your life before you can say, 'move on'" he said cheekily, smiling at her. "i'm all done now." he said. "oh by the way," he said while saddling the bags on his shoulder, "i don't know if we're going to be friends. i really don't. but hey, we'll keep in touch somehow. i know we will."

"but how?" she said, now getting up to follow him.

they stopped at her front door, and he was already turning the knob, opening the door slightly, "we'll manage somehow," he said and before he left, he kissed the top of her head and wished her goodbye. when the door closed, she leaned her back against it and cried the whole night through.

*

it was a lie. he didn't have any plans. the plan was just to take all his things and move on. live one day at a time. that was it. but he was determined. he knew he had to be strong. the temptation to go back to her and hold her in his arms, and be together again; but his will and mind were much stronger than his heart. so he chose to walk away for now, not wanting to look back because the pain would be too much to bear. he had to go. he had to prove something: to himself especially. so in the dead, cold and silent night, he walked towards his home, though struggling to contain his tears, he knew that he will survive this. this was just another heartbreak, and somehow, he had trust, and most importantly faith, that he'd make through this one just like he had made through the other breakups. i will survive this, i will, he thought and he will.

*

she didn't expect things to be this hard. the next few weeks were tough on her. she couldn't really think straight. she had a difficult time at work, her friends were concerned that she hadn't eaten properly and that her life was quite a mess. one day though, she woke up with a great sense of realisation that she needed to change what and how she was feeling. she couldn't be this way, she thought to herself. being in grief all the time isn't the way to live. it was the first time in weeks that she actually woke up with a smile on her face. she knew moving on was hard work, but she had gone through it numerous times before and that she had gone through them o.k. things will be fine, they always do, she thought to herself. she got up and went to work with a smile and new found confidence and though her mind would sometime lead itself to him and that night, it doesn't bother her that much anymore. i will survive this, i will, she thought and she will.

p.s: because everyone survives a heartbreak.

bulan baru

bulan baru

sepatutnya ada cerita baru, bukan?

tapi bukan untuk aku gamaknya

masih

sedang mencari bintang-bintang di angkasa

sambil tersenyum gelak ketawa gembira

bersama rakan-rakan disisi

jauh bintang-bintang tak terasa

dekat-dekat hati

kadang-kadang terasa 

apa?

perasaan 

yang 

datang kadang-kadang bagai raksasa

merobek jiwa

kadang-kadang datang bagai hujan

membanjiri hati

kadang-kadang datang bagai 'unicorn'

memberi kepercayaan yang lama hilang

yang adakalanya malap dalam diri

bulan baru,

hai?

apa cerita baru?

p.s: sudah lama tidak berprosa.