too much.

is it to much to say:

empty eyes were given lights as bright as stars

a broken heart was fixed and made whole

a fake smile exchanged for an honest one

and wondering soul stopped searching, 

and became one with the physical body

melancholy replaced with happiness

heartache was cured

the pain, gone.

but I know, 

oh I know,

the opposites of those above

can happen

and you, darling, 

can indeed become the sole

cause of it all-

it is indeed too much to say,

because how I know, truth and reality

can be much, much bitter, more bitter

than fantasy.

p.s: pinching myself to wakeup from this dream that I do not want to wake up from. 

apa kau, harapkan?

pabila aku berpijak ke tanah

kau menjulang ku tinggi ke langit 

pabila aku tidak mampu terbang dan jatuh

rebah, menyembah bumi,

kau ketawa besar,

"KAH! KAH! KAH!"

sama seperti bunyi meriam ditembak

di medan perang;

bingit dan sakit

segala hati, jiwa, raga-

pelik terasa

engkau yang junjung aku

dan pabila ku jatuh

kau tidak mengangkat ku sebaliknya

meninggalkan ku bergelut dengan tanah

dan lumpur seorang diri-

"mati lemas",

kata koroner, dengan nada flat,

walhal, mati kerana:

tidak mampu hidup mengikut, mencapai 

ekspektasi.

p.s: hope kills, you know?

of fate and destiny

what if, you've crossed paths with the one you're meant to be with? he could be the guy serving you coffee, she could be the one driving a beat-up Kancil stuck in a jam, cursing her brains while you're sitting in your own car feeling amused looking at her, he could be the one delivering your mail or she could be the girl you go to class with. Whoever they may be, don't you ever think that that person may be your one true love? I'm not saying that every person you meet every day could be the love of your life but think of those people whom you see from afar, who you could only imagine of being with, and then, BHAAMM! you're married to that person. lovely, ain't it? these things, where you're brave enough to flirt with the girl of your dreams or the guy of your dreams flirts with you, kinda happens only in movies; those cheap, funny romantic chic flicks that makes you wonder and crave for that kind of situation to happen in real life. for some lucky few, those scenes do come to life, for the majority, yes, we're still searching for the one.

so don't give up and don't be stingy. smile charmingly to the lovely girl at the counter, say thank you to the hot guy who served you food-you may never know what fate has in store for you. 

life has a funny way of tricking you. you may be in love now but you will probably not get married with the person you're with now because who knows, maybe in the future, your lover and yourself may fall in love with a new person? so what's the point of being in love? because, you need to try. you need to experiment. you need to experience. if things don't work out, then it will in the future because that's just how life works. I wish I have a better explanation for things but I don't. people breakup and get divorced because they don't even care to try. even if they did, they'll be too exhausted to try over so they just take the easier road and go their separate ways, and may end up falling in love again-with some random people they see almost everyday and live happily ever after with. 

who knows?

the point is, expect the unexpected. 

p.s: the ideals.

I remember

in no particular order:

I remember dancing around in my diapers, singing to songs without knowing what the songs were about. I remember going in and out of the hospital more than a dozen times because of my sickness. I remember those cartoons on Saturdays and Sundays, and eating breakfast as one whole big family; my late grandfather seating at the helm, eating porridge with anchovies, omelettes, fried rice, sardines from the can; and the festivities will branch out to lunch and even dinner. I remember going to school with nothing but books to carry and not duties. I remember coming out here for the first time, being away from the family and not knowing what to do. I remember the first time falling in love, my first time being in a relationship, and many other first times. I remember shouting "you son of a bitch" out-loud just cause I heard people saying it on tv, not knowing what it means then. I remember playing around the neighbourhood, I remember attending Quranic classes in the evenings with the other neighbourhood kids and I remember going to Pak Ayek's house to buy crackers and canned drinks. I remember scooping Milo out of the can in secret and eating a whole bowl of it, also my obsession towards "ikan kembong masak asam pedas" and rice with just soy sauce. I remember waking up this particular morning and watching Friends while my cousin was showering. I remember asking my mummy what a condom was while watching an episode of Friends. I remember I cried after not scoring straight A's for my UPSR. I remember watching Yo Soy Betty La Fea, Survivor, Rosalinda, Charmed, The Amazing Race, AF etc religiously. I remember borrowing books from the school library. I remember lying on my bed at night staring at the ceiling while listening to Mix.Fm on the radio. I remember wishing to be in love, and wishing to not have known what love was, or is, like. I remember performing at a Talentime show and my dad cried. I remember chasing this girl who ended up chasing another friend of mine and they ended up hooking-up with each other. I remember that clearly because that was my first heartbreak. I remember chasing the "apek jual roti van" and buying bread with the white cream and chocolate sprinkles on top. I remember frying rice during late nights with my cousin because we were hungry. I remember birthday celebrations with my late grandfather and later without. I remember my dad hugging me after I got my SPM results. I remember hosting Teacher's Day with a close friend. I remember going out with my late grandfather and he treated me to AnW, we went to town by bus, I vomited the food he treated me and he laughed at me. I remember crying in the bus after we buried him. I remember my dad being sick, and my brother being 'sick'. I remember playing with my friends on the school compound. I remember almost fainting. I remember the times I cried because of love. I remember holding hands while watching movies in the cinema. I remember cuddling. I remember the tears I cried when we said goodbye. I remember how difficult it was for me to move on. I remember long walks and endless discussions about life, and laughters echoing. I remember being carefree and not having anything to worry about. I remember some things and forgetting most things. I remember details, I forget the bigger pictures, I remember the bigger pictures, I forget details. 

I'm 22. Alhamdulillah. So many things to be remembered, so little things to forget. 

p.s: Happy Belated Birthday.

boleh, kan?

hati ku separuh ini, boleh kau jadi kan ia satu?

senyuman ku yang hilang, boleh kau carikan?

jiwa ku yang tidak tenang, boleh kau tenteramkan?

emosi lama yang sudah bertapak, boleh kau alih dan tanam yang baru?

perasaan rindu yang menggila, boleh kau ubati?

air mata yang mengalir, buat ia berhenti?

teman yang hilang dan dicari, boleh kah kau jadi pengganti?

tapi, 

soalan lagi penting,

boleh kah aku buat semua itu,

jadi pengganti (bagi yang sudah pergi)

dalam hidup kamu?

p.s: bukan engkau sahaja, aku juga perlu (buat apa yang patut).

addiction.

in the dead of the night

when all the world's a sleeping

I lie on my bed, untouched by light

awake and dreaming 

my thoughts carry their themselves to you

I picture you with me

all warm and cuddly too

these longings to be held and to hold

they never become old

I am addicted to your presence

I am addicted to you.

so come by as soon as you can

I miss you day, by day

night, by night

you have come into my life,

please stay, do not go away.

p.s: oh. oh. rindu.

apa kata hati?

berjuta bintang ku lihat tapi di luar 

langit sedang menangis

kencang;

bukan di langit ku pandang

tapi di mata kau ku lihat sinaran-

berkilauan megah.

aku mengambil bantal 

dan menekup muka ku 

tapi kau alih dan mencium bibirku dengan

perlahan-

"aku ingin lihat muka kau,"

seraya, mata ku bertentang dengan mata kau-

silau;

mata ku dikecilkan

dikala bintang-bintang kecil berkerlipan 

dan hati ku pun berbisik,

"ah kau, angau lagi."

dan aku pun berketawa kecil,

menyetujui kata hati.

p.s: di awangan kerana kau.