heartbreak's a bitch!

yes it is. it is a bitch. it is painful, it is unfair, it leaves you gasping for air. it leaves you lifeless, empty and weak, you'd feel like you can't go through one more day living on this planet. you'd be all moppy, soppy, complaining, whining about how cruel your ex is, how heartless he or she is towards you, how immobile you are without him or her, how crappy he or she makes you feel, how much you miss her or him and that you think about them day and night and you wonder whether they're thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them (which usually is a no because they've moved on and found someone new while you are left like gasping for air like a fish, or like a lost child at a huge mall crying looking for his or her mama. this is sad yes but oh-so true.) also, you'll begin to wonder why he or she gets to move on and why you're the one left in the rut. well, simply put, you're not even allowing or giving the chance for yourself to move on because you want to feel all sad and pathetic and angry and sad and useless and negative and sick and stressed out and wounded and whatever else that adjectives that suit this context. 

yes, you get to feel this way. you'll have the all-access VIP pass to feeling crappy after a heartbreak. your friends will understand, your family will understand. they'll give you space to recover. but then again, they will also feel terribly annoyed and irritated at how weak you are. after all, it's just a heartbreak. every one goes through it, everyone. it's just the way we handle the thing that is different, or similar in some cases. but, the most important thing is, you need to pick yourself up one day. no matter how much you talk to your close friends, your mum, your dad or your sister about the sheer emptiness you feel at night, or how hard it is to wake up in the morning, you must learn to give yourself time to recover and you must promise yourself that you will move on. realization is important and realization can only come when you start thinking rationally. yes, heartbreak can lead to irrational thinking.

heartbreak is never easy to go through. it is unfair. there's always that one person who'll feel more affected than the other. breakeven (or not), like how the script would put it. but just remember though, you're the only person in the whole entire world who can turn things around. if she or he is strong enough to live without you, then so can you. if he or she has found someone else, you will too. if they don't care about you, why should you give a damn about him or her? well, you still care because there will always be a soft spot for him or her in your heart. but just, have less care maybe, if it's possible? or care more as a friend than a lover. that way, you'll care, but don't really care, get it? you'll get it (haha). it's just a matter of time. if he or she is meant for you, he or she will come back to you. if things are meant to be, they will happen. but you have to stop thinking too much about these things, take one day at a time. i know sometimes it is unavoidable to think about these things and you can't help but wonder but you have to limit yourself. don't think too much. thinking too much can kill you too.

if you're not ready to love, then don't take the chance or risk. if you are sure that you've moved on (only you, and only you know this) then it is time for you to find, or wait, for the right person to come along. don't jump into a relationship when you are not ready. don't make heartbreak a reason for you to be with someone. take time for yourself, adjust to the life of being a single person, enjoy every moment of it. nights can be lonely, mornings can be lonely, any other time of the day can be lonely, but who doesn't feel lonely anyways? sometimes people with lovers feel lonely too, but you're just feeling it more because you don't have that other person to feel the void with you. 

but it's alright. you will survive, though. just don't let your emotions get the better hold of you. your emotions can be the death of you if you don't control it. life is all about learning and moving on. don't look back too much, or wonder too much too. you can't go on with life if you keep on looking back and wondering the 'what if's' or 'could've' or 'should've' or 'might've'. someone better is bound to come along for you or one of your exes that you still have feelings for suddenly appears in front of your door (office, home, library, etc), (this rarely happens, though, so don't hope for it), because he or she still feels like there's a chance that is needed to be taken with you again and asks for your hand again. 

but alas, until that day comes, just be thankful that you get to wake up every single day. there's always something to look forward to in life, always. just, open your eyes more and your heart. calm your soul. don't stress your mind over the matters of the heart, because you know what,

everything, they'll usually turn out alright in the end. sometimes, even better than you'd expect. 

p.s: there's more to life.

of people in your life.

i believe the people in our lives are there for a purpose. sometimes these people can leave the biggest impacts or some of them don't give any impact at all. some of these people, you've probably known hundreds by now, they disappear into the background; they are the people you rarely think about. you know them but you just know them. some few ones you've selected are the ones you hold dearly close to your heart. they are the ones you turn to for a shoulder to cry on, for warmth and security, for advice. they are further special people, people who you'll think about constantly before you go to bed, the first thing you wake up in the morning they're in your thoughts. for whatever reasons, you can't seem to get them out of your head. even when you think you've forgotten about them, something, somewhere, sometime will bring back those memories you've had with these special people and a longing, nostalgia builds in you and you wish you could turn back time but you know you can't. so there's nothing else you can do but to relive those memories in your head. 

because it makes you feel good, and sometimes because you can't help yourself to be transported back to those days when the things you did with these people mattered so much. that's why the memories stay. because they matter to you. unlike the other memories you've had with some other people, the memories you have with these special people, you keep them in a special box that you've wrapped neatly with golden bows and stored safely in a closet, locked and secured. when something reminds you of those memories, those boxes will be out and you will look and feel and yearn for them but you know you'll probably never have them again. so after that, you put those memories back into the boxes and place them back in the closet.

people change. the person you're closed with can turn out to be so distant to you. like an ex sleeping over at your house but you know you can't touch her because you had her and you feel so desperately wanting to hug her in her sleep but you can't because you know you're not supposed to because that's not the right thing to do. instead, you go back to your bedroom and think about all the days you spent with her lying side by side, sharing intimacy and inside jokes that only the two of you understand and now, no more. because things change, people change, hence certain circumstances are raised. but you will know that that person will always be special to you, no matter what happened between the two of you. she may not feel the same way but why does that matter? what matters is what and how you feel because, that's just how you work, and think, and feel. 

you put labels on people according to the degree of importance they play in your life, the purpose they bring in your life, their roles in your life. these roles and purpose change, and so does the degree of importance. circumstances can change these things, and time too. the people you know best become strangers, the strangers become people you know best. people lose touch, people keep in touch, people fall in and out of love with you, people care, and cared. some people stay, some people go. as cliche as this sounds, it is a fact of life. it is cliche because we all go through it, regardless if we like it or not, purposive or accidental.

what most people become are fragments of memories, patches of thoughts and feelings. but not all though, not all. some persistent ones do stay. they stay because you made them, they stay because they chose to, they stay because, just because they do. you won't know the exact reasons as why they chose to stay like you know the reasons why most people leave, but you should just be thankful and grateful that they're there to stay to make your perfectly insane life sane. 

and oh, sometimes they stay because they love, care and need you as much as you love, care and need them. 

sometimes people who disappear will come back to you. if it's meant to be, it is meant to be. don't be scared to lose people. they're bound to be replaced, or they're bound to return. if  they don't return, they we'rent meant to stay in the first place. if they're gone and they return, that means that they just needed the space to learn to miss you, or to learn for a while, that they can survive without you. and people die too. some deaths you care about more than others. some affect you badly than others. death is natural, and unavoidable. sometimes people who are gone forever cannot be replaced though but you still hold those memories with them. don't lose them. but then again, do not close your heart to not to learn accept new people coming into your lives. we need people. we do. don't deny. we're not meant to live alone, we're interdependent. it's part of being human.

we're connected by life. nothing can stop that. 

p.s: human connections. 

where i am (2)

hey you. come here. for a while. it's late. just stay over? oh yeah. we'll sleep outside. let's lay down side by side. hey you, you know what i miss? i miss this. this closeness, this intimacy. we used to talk all night sometimes, we used to smile, make fun of things, joke around, quarrel, hug each other til the morning daylight breaks. i miss that.

you don't? it's only me then. just, hear me out o.k? 

i just miss putting my hand around your body, holding you close, i miss the way you'd entwine your fingers in mine, i love kissing your neck early in the mornings, and i miss that voice of yours, when you wake up in the mornings. i love the smell of your hair. i've never said that to you? i love the smell of you. i miss that. that sexy scent you have.

and i jmiss being able to touch you without feeling awkward at all. running my finger on your cheek, making you smile, kissing your lips and putting my palms on your chest, and hearing your heartbeat. i never did show that i cared doing most of these things, but i do, i do. i guess i should've told you bout this. 

i miss holding hands with you. that simple gesture, i miss that a lot. i miss laying down on your lap while watching television, or having dinner and lunch, just the two of us. i miss texting you throughout the day, letting you know what i have been up to and what you have been up to and such. i miss having that someone to talk to about everything with.

i miss having someone to wake up to the next day.

i took all of those for granted, like everything else. i am sorry i did't show as much affection as i did. but i'd love to show you them, my affections towards you. i know i can do it. without emotional connection? yeah sure. i don't mind at all. all i want is just a part of your time, and you can have a part of mine, whenever you want to. just, spend some time with me. it is all i'm asking. 

a little of your time, for intimacy.

p.s: closeness,  i miss. 

where i am.

hey you. yeah you. could i steal a moment of your time. just a bit, please? there's this important thing i have to tell you. come sit here, next to me. cold, isn't it? want my sweater? no? o.k.

look, i know things between us will never be the same again after this but it can be worked out, it can. i just want to tell you whatever happens between us, i will try my best to be there for you. i still do care about you, and i still love you. please, don't roll your eyes. i know i've hurt you many, many times, and i'm sorry that i did all those horrible things to you. i was, am an idiot. you're angry and disappointed, but mostly angry. now i guess you're satisfied that everything i did to you, you're doing them to me? yeah, bitter and painful it is. it is. but it must've hurt you more, i understand. i totally deserve this, i totally do.

look, you, look at me please? no matter what happens, i still want to be there for you, i still want to be friends with you, and... and i want to try to make you happy again. no? not a chance? o.k. i've made mistakes and i am regretting them. i hope you'll forgive me, even if it's not now, but in time, in time. i wasn't at my best behaviour when we were together, but i will be if you want to give me that chance. no? o.k. you've moved on? good for you. found someone else? that fast? oh yeah, o.k.

i need the time still though. i remember things. i do. you don't want to remember them? you've deleted them? oh o.k. i guess, o.k. i don't know what to say, then. whatever it takes to push me away huh? to just kill those emotions right? i understand that perfectly. you've to do what you've to do. you're heading home? i'm not finished yet. don't make that face. frankly speaking i don't think i'm able to move on just yet. i need time to just, i don't know. recover? yeah, recover.

am i done? yeah i think so. i just want you to know, i'm here for you. really, i am. i wanna make it up to you for everything i've been lacking. yeah, making that face again. o.k then. i can't force you or anything. just, take good care of yourself. take care.

i sayang you.

p.s: Shakespeare's sonnets

weird dream

i dreamt of you. i didn't expect to. i never thought in a million years i'd dream of you. i find you attractive though, i do. your brown eyes, the way you speak with that accent of yours. that oval shaped face, the sly and cheeky smile you have on your face, that sexy voice of yours, but for you to appear in my dream like so, it was, or is, weird. 

your eyes were sparkly, and mischievous. they were staring directly into my soul, sent jolts of electricity into my veins and gave my heart shocking beats. we talked and flirted and i was nervous, but not you. you were confident. you know it is me you want and you were intent to have me. somehow we ended up talking up on a balcony, staring out into the bright night, not because the stars were shining, no, it was because the lights below us were. they were bright orange, almost as bright as sunlight and they were decorating the ground below like patches of little sunlight.

suddenly, your hand reached out for mine and our hands entwined, your fingers fit mine perfectly. you were about to say something to me but then i woke up. i was weirded out, speechless, and shocked really. but then i smiled at the thought of dreaming about you and i didn't know really how to react or what was going through my head. at that time i guess my mind was blank. all i thought about was the surreality of the dream, and how it didn't make any sense for me to be dreaming of you when we have so little connections with each other and the pure randomness of that dream was almost bizarre to me.

i'm still trying to figure out what that dream means. but i think it's just one of those dreams which mean nothing, or it does mean something, i just don't know how to interpret it. 

p.s: weird, but good. 

10 things I hate(?) about You

I hate the way you call my name, 

and the way you look down on me.

I hate the way you shout at me, 

I hate it when you play with my feelings. 

I hate your corny looking spectacles 

and the way you read my mind. 

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme. 

I hate the way you react when you're right, 

I hate it when you lie. 

I hate it when you tell me that i don't know anything,

even worse when you tell me i don't understand. 

I hate it when you’re not around, 

and the fact that when you're around, you're not around. 

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, 

not even close…

not even a little bit… 

not even at all. 

p.s: adapted from "10 Things I Hate About You"

you have only (amount of time) to live

what if you've gone to see the doctor, and he or she told you, you only have a certain period of time left on earth? how will you react?

i think most of us will be speechless at first. acceptance isn't really the first thing that comes to mind.the doctor will start feeding you with ideas on what you can do to prolong your life span and give you options so that you'll live longer but i guess when the news has been dropped on you the only things that come to mind are the things that you are going to miss once you're gone. at that moment, you'll start to re-evaluate your life, your current state and how far you have gone in life, looking back at some of the things you've gone through and maybe some tears will start forming in your eyes; and maybe a little smile would spread across the face.

if the doctors tell me i've only got a few more months to live, i'd seriously freak out. i'd be depressed and i'll cry and i'll be scared most of the time. i'll be bitter. i'll be mean. but for how long? why should i spread negativity when i can spread positivity? after all, i've only got a few more months to live, i should live my mark on earth. 

i guess one of the more important things i'd do is to spend time with the people i care and love about. nothing gives you satisfaction than seeing the all smiling and cheery faces of those you really do appreciate and care for. i mean, they'd treat me differently though, try to make me happy and all, but really, i guess i'll say to them to not treat me differently just because i'm dying or anything. i just want them to treat me like the way they've been treating me pre-death news. 

i'd think more. and i'd pray more to God, seek forgiveness. i'd do all the things that i like that's within reach and not think twice about it. i'll learn to appreciate life more. write more so that when i die, people will have something they can remember me by, just not by my pictures and memories, but also the things i had written oh-so carelessly. 

no one wants to die, really. but it's a natural process that everyone goes through in the end. it's just that it is unpredictable and we may never know when it will it us. so i guess, instead of waiting for the doctor to tell you something or predict how long our life span's going to be, why don't we start doing all the things that we want, love and care for those who love and care for us, seek forgiveness from God everyday because really, we may never know when it'll be our last. 

p.s: appreciate.

present.

there are things i wish you'd say to me, and there are things i wish you'd do to me. believe me, there are things that i want you to believe when i say them too, but you choose not to.  i'd write them down, but they'll sound different. you won't want to read them either i reckon. so i'd rather talk about them with you, though it hurts.

i am here, in this position because of my own doing. trust me, if i could turn back time, i really, really would and do lots of things differently. but i can't do that. all i can do is go through this, now. each passing day either gets easier or harder to go through, depending on what i feel. but you, you're doing effortlessly well for yourself.

i guess you know what i feel now, you know well. you must be thinking, "serves you right" and i can totally understand why you think that way.

but believe me though, that i will love and care for you, no matter how much you're hurting or how much you're trying to make me hurt you. i may be angry at you, or disappointed at you for some reasons, but those are just short outbursts of emotions. i will later come crawling back to you.

this is my present state of being, i want you. it will run out, or it will not. i may move on, or i may be stuck. i don't know what or how my future will look like, with or without you. but i do wish and hope that you will remain in my life. i don't want to lose you. i want to hate you but i can't, i want to do a revenge on you, but i can't. i'm just not that kinda person.

i know this is pathetic. until when should i play this role of being the victim of his own wrongdoings? for life, perhaps? yeah, my fault. a friend said, "this is a taste of your own medicine. you deserve this" and she is right, she is absolutely right. i brought this upon myself, no one else did. i did.

now i want to crawl back to you and you're pushing me away. i'm not fine with that, but i do understand. we're falling apart. i don't like it. you do. i want things back the way they used to be but you don't. i get that too. i just want you to know, if things.... if.

i should learn to manage my emotions. i'm not getting any younger. there are lots of books on handling emotions but i'd rather try experiencing myself. my heart's a whole lot stronger than this. i know. i will get through this. just be patient.

i can be cold and ruthless? maybe i can. maybe. but i know i'll fail miserably. i can be like you too, i choose not to.

i can be happy. i should choose to be that. i can move on. i should choose to do that too. i guess i'll be the person in your life that you'll back and say, "God, what was i thinking?"

p.s; a little enlightenment, and a big push, a great realization slapped on the face, a wakeup call.

for the broken hearted.

in an instant, your whole life changes, and there is no turning back. looking back yes but not walking towards the road you have so faithfully stepped on. it is indeed tempting though, to be able to just go through that road again, but one must never be tempted to for the longest time. one cannot be stuck forever. one has to move on, regardless of whatever issues one faces in one's heart. 

getting your heart broken is part and parcel of life, you can't get away with that. it may be a result of karma or just your luck or maybe, something better's coming your way but being broken-hearted can teach you so, so many things. but believe me with all the conviction that is left within you that you'll survive. you won't feel ok now, but you will eventually. as cliche as it may sound, but it works. it does. you just have to get yourself out of the rut and live and move on.

someone better is bound to come your way. not now, but eventually. just let time do its thing you know. be patient. i know you have it in you. don't think too much. it will kill you. just live in the present. even so, think about the future a little bit, but not about who you'll end up with but more on the professional side of things. trust me, you may be feeling very unhappy now, unsatisfied, but whatever it is, things will get better. they just don't stay stagnant unless you don't do anything about it.

sit around with friends, concentrate on work, date people (if you have the access to) and just live your life in general. life doesn't stop moving when you're feeling this way so why should you stop living? life is all about learning, accepting things that you can't accept and moving on, no matter how hard it is to move on. 

things will be good again, trust me. it will. life isn't always tough all the time. just breathe in, look around., think positive thoughts. you're alive. do you know how many dead people would want to take your spot right now? countless! so just put your head up high, look forward, and just take one day at a time. don't be too drastic, learn to minimize, learn to smile slowly, learn to laugh whole heartedly again. 

someone will come by and make your life bright again, or, that person is already in your life. you're just too blind to see that. open your eyes, your heart, your mind, your soul to every possibility. remember, you have only one life to lead. lead it well. don't waste. 

a new path has been chartered next to the old one. you should take it, and embrace every possibility along the way. who knows, it may turn out to be better than you expect? but don't count on or hope on it lest you wanna get crushed by them hopes and expectations. 

make yourself happy. you deserve it, like everyone else. 

p.s: motivate and motivation. 

heart.

can you hear that,

that crashing sound?

oh,

no?

you can't?

it's just me then.

deafening really,

the silent sound of a crashing

heart.

p.s: LOL

kau, atau aku?

sudah jatuh, ditimpa tangga 

terluka, berdarah semua

sudah sedih, dihancur kan pula

sudah retak hati, berkecai sejuta

aku disini menunggu

dengan setia

perubahan

hati

si

dia, 

atau aku?

p.s: what if?

Sonnet 27: paraphrased

Tired from work, I hurry myself to bed,

A rest for the limbs which were exhausted by travel;

But then, a journey in my head starts,

To work my mind, where my body’s work is over;

Far from my where I am, my thoughts

Begins a journey to you,

Keeping me awake, staring into the darkness that even the blind can see

My soul begins to form imaginary pictures

Of you into my ‘sight’

Like jewel, they hung in the abysmal night,

Making the night beautiful, and a familiar face new.

      Hence, my limbs by day, and mind by night,

      Have no rest, for you and me. 

p.s: you're the dream that keeps me awake. 

semester 6

she entered the class. "the darkness has entered!" exclaimed Kei. we had a class with her when we were in semester 2. we didn't have much fun with her hence Kei's reaction. we were all anxious, fidgety, nervous even. she remembered almost all of us. she seemed excited to see all of us but we weren't feeling the same way, at least i wasn't. anyways, it was our first class with her this semester and instead of asking us to introduce ourselves, she made us answer these two (which i found to be profound) questions:

up from semester 2 until semester 6,

what, as a TESL student you have learnt?

as an individual, what have you learnt?

i heard my friends' answers and i heard my own when i spoke. most of us agreed that we have changed. as a TESL student, most of my friends expressed their increased confidence in speaking, organizing, managing time and money, practical, aspirations. 

i told my classmates that i found myself to be stronger than i think i am. i am more capable than i give myself credit for. Cuna said she found it hard to work in groups as things could get personal. Dya, Ain, Lin and Ira talked about  family and interdependency. i found that to be true. i thought about my own family and though i love the freedom i have when i'm away from them, i miss them a lot. Ain went on further by talking about death and how she's reminded of it after her dear friend had passed away from a car accident and how that made her want to be a better Muslim. Po and Jannah talked about friendships, the ups and downs, the losing and gaining friends. Nazif and Wakbe talked about being more focus in class.

truth is, if all of us were to sit down in a circle and talked about what all 21 of us had gone through with each other for the past 6 semesters together, they'd be drama: tears, shouts and laughters. all of us have grown up, matured, learned a lot of things about life, the good and the bad. the funny thing is, no matter how much we loathe each other, the whole class would stand united, together when we are "attacked by outside force" which had happened a few times. i may find my classmates to be extremely annoying, overly dramatic at times but honestly without them, i don't think i'd be able to learn about life, or i'd be able to know about how life functions, or how fun life can be. they help me get through things. i can't believe that in another 2 semesters, all of these will be over and all of us will go our separate ways. i don't know if i'd be able to live with the idea of not seeing the same faces i have been seeing for 4 years. 

looking back at my life with them, i have learnt a lot from them, directly and indirectly. i learned about the value of honesty, friendship. i learnt about drama, fights and arguments, tears even, i discovered love with them, and hopefully everlasting friendship. 

another 2 more semesters.

p.s: growing older. 

loser.

so many things i have said, so many things i have written, so many things left unsaid and unwritten. the pain that comes with this is unbearable. maybe because it's still early in the process, or maybe because i have to get used to it.

the thing is, i love you. i don't know what else to say. the more you try to push me away the more i'll try to crawl back to you, bleeding and all. so much pain, you have gone through with me, and what i am feeling now may not equate to the amount of pain i have caused you, but all i want you to know is i'm sorry. 

i am not angry, i am not annoyed, i am not upset, i know your cruelty and coldness, their source, i know. i don't blame you. i never will. from the moment you uttered those words to me, my heart sank, but i know, the damage's done, and even if i wish a million times, nothing could undo what has been done. things will never be the same. i understand that, i know.

but if you do, open up your heart for me, a little bit, even, i would not waste it. you'll be the most loved person in the world. 

all i can do is hope. hope for the best.

p.s: i'm dying, only you, the one killing me, can save me.