present.

there are things i wish you'd say to me, and there are things i wish you'd do to me. believe me, there are things that i want you to believe when i say them too, but you choose not to.  i'd write them down, but they'll sound different. you won't want to read them either i reckon. so i'd rather talk about them with you, though it hurts.

i am here, in this position because of my own doing. trust me, if i could turn back time, i really, really would and do lots of things differently. but i can't do that. all i can do is go through this, now. each passing day either gets easier or harder to go through, depending on what i feel. but you, you're doing effortlessly well for yourself.

i guess you know what i feel now, you know well. you must be thinking, "serves you right" and i can totally understand why you think that way.

but believe me though, that i will love and care for you, no matter how much you're hurting or how much you're trying to make me hurt you. i may be angry at you, or disappointed at you for some reasons, but those are just short outbursts of emotions. i will later come crawling back to you.

this is my present state of being, i want you. it will run out, or it will not. i may move on, or i may be stuck. i don't know what or how my future will look like, with or without you. but i do wish and hope that you will remain in my life. i don't want to lose you. i want to hate you but i can't, i want to do a revenge on you, but i can't. i'm just not that kinda person.

i know this is pathetic. until when should i play this role of being the victim of his own wrongdoings? for life, perhaps? yeah, my fault. a friend said, "this is a taste of your own medicine. you deserve this" and she is right, she is absolutely right. i brought this upon myself, no one else did. i did.

now i want to crawl back to you and you're pushing me away. i'm not fine with that, but i do understand. we're falling apart. i don't like it. you do. i want things back the way they used to be but you don't. i get that too. i just want you to know, if things.... if.

i should learn to manage my emotions. i'm not getting any younger. there are lots of books on handling emotions but i'd rather try experiencing myself. my heart's a whole lot stronger than this. i know. i will get through this. just be patient.

i can be cold and ruthless? maybe i can. maybe. but i know i'll fail miserably. i can be like you too, i choose not to.

i can be happy. i should choose to be that. i can move on. i should choose to do that too. i guess i'll be the person in your life that you'll back and say, "God, what was i thinking?"

p.s; a little enlightenment, and a big push, a great realization slapped on the face, a wakeup call.