20 Things We Should Realize

1. I think it is important to do something beyond your capabilities, even just for once. You would be surprised with how far you can go and the standard you can reach. 

2. I think it is important for you to chase your dreams, even the smallest ones because if you don't, you'll never know which one can come true.

3. I think it is important that you get out of your comfort zone, even if it is for a little while and experience something unfamiliar because getting too comfortable is not a good sign.

4. I think it is important for you to take chances, in whatever you do. Failure is an option, but not taking any chances is unacceptable.

5. I think it is important to be a part of something and having a sense of belonging is important too.

6. I think it is important to leave some sort of legacy, unless you are willing to be forgotten.

7. I think it is important for you to realize who you are as a person, what you want and figure out what you expect from yourself in the end. Everything has an expiry date, including your realizations.

8. I think it is important for you to spend as much time as you can with people who matter most in your life. 

9. I think it is important for you to acknowledge that money is important in life, but it is not the most important thing.

10. I think it is important for you to go out and get some fresh air, and enjoy nature, once in a while, everyday if it is possible.

11. I think it is important for you to get yourself educated, in everything you can get your hands on.

12. I think it is important for you to fall in love and be in a romantic relationship at least once, just to experience what it is like.

13. I think it is important that you live as healthily as possible.

14. I think it is important for you to go on an adventure, to a foreign place, unplanned, with people you love.

15. I think it is important for you to realize that people come and go in your life, and that is more of a normal occurrence than you think.

16. I think it is important for you to realize that you are not really alone in this world. You just have to go and find someone and be un-alone.

17. I think it is important for you to be happy for as long as you can.

18. I think it is important for you to realize that what you give, is what you will receive.

19. I think it is important for you to realize that life can end anytime, and that you have only one life to do almost everything you have been dreaming of.

20. I think it is important that you realize your life matters more than you can ever imagine.

p.s: A life lesson for myself.

Taking Your Own Life

She had his favorite shirt on that day. She didn't plan on wearing it. She just felt like wearing it. Her friends asked her if she's alright when they saw her wearing his shirt. She said she's fine, she just felt like wearing it, she told them. Her friends nodded and smiled sympathetically, and she hated that. Without even asking she told them that she's fine and that there's nothing for them to worry about. The chirpiest of them lot then broke the awkwardness by ushering everyone to class and all of them moved to the class. 

It was during lunch break at the library that she snapped. She saw the book that he loved on the shelf and cried reading the notes inside, written by him. She felt every word, recalled every memory those sentences brought up, and when one of her friends saw her crying pathetically sitting on the floor of the library, her back against the bookshelf and her arms wrapping themselves around the book, that's when they knew she was not alright.

You cannot be like this forever, they said. You have to stop acting this way, he wouldn't have liked seeing you behaving this way, they said. How could he see me when he's not even here, she wailed. The librarian had to come over and instructed the friend to bring her out because she was disrupting the other students. She sobbed heavily and she felt weak in the knees. She felt like she couldn't walk anymore. Her breathing became heavy. She was seeing stars. Then, she blacked out.

Then she saw him. She saw him smiling at her, giggling a little. She wanted to cry seeing him and was angry and at the same tie she was laughing too. You told me you'd be alright, he said, you lied, he said, smiling at her. She tried to get near him but she couldn't. Why can't I get closer to you? I miss you. She shouted at him. He just shrugged and said that it wasn't her time yet. I missed you, she said and he seemed to be ignoring her, which upset her even more. You have to start living, he said. I wasn't given the chance to, so you should be happy that you've lived. How could I live when you're not here beside me, she cried. You have to, he said and he began to turn around. No, she screamed. No, no, no! Don't go away, she said. Don't! cried she. 

It was a struggle for her to move on. Every night she'd dream the same things. Every day she'd walk around, lifeless. Every moment, she's thinking of him. 

One day, they discovered her body lying in a bath-tub, the water colored red. She had slashed her wrist and even her throat. A note was found on her table stating the reason of her suicide. The campus was buzzing with the news of the girl's suicide. People always thought of her as somewhat odd, but they never thought that she'd be brave enough to take her own life. Her body was brought back to her hometown and she was buried there. During the day of the funeral, a lot of people came, including the boy whom she saw in her hallucination. He was observing the solemn ceremony from afar. 

He wasn't dead. The reason of her suicide, wasn't dead. 

p.s: This is some random shit. 

the first and the last.

"you're different." she told him.

"i'm sure you say that to every guy you've when out on dates with." he replied nonchalantly.

"no i don't. i could tell, you're something different." she protested in defense.

"o.k. what makes me different from the rest of the other guys?" he asked and raised an eyebrow. 

she giggled at his expression. cute, she thought. "well if you must ask, i think... i... hmm... how do i put this..." she was struggling to find words to describe him but she couldn't. how could she describe this man? how could she? she has never felt this way before. sure, she has gone out on many dates before and sure some of the guys she's dated were hotter and richer but he, she thought, was different. she couldn't go to sleep without thinking of his warm smile, and at the thought of his clear green eyes, she'd shudder in delight. his touch sent electric jolts down her spine, raised goosebumps on her skin. he made her felt warmer in his embrace than she ever was covered with her blanket. she liked the way he held her in his arms. she felt safe, secure, wanted- she never felt that way with the other guys.

"so, no way could you describe what sets me apart from the other guys you've been with?" he asked her and a slow smile crept on his face.

instead of answering his question with words, she slowly leaned her head towards him and laid her lips on top of his and gave him a deep, sensual and passionate kiss. she held his head and played with his hair and that took him by surprise. she separated her lips from him and smiled when she looked at his surprised expression. 

"i love you. you're different because you're the first person to ever make me feel warm, wanted, safe. you give me life. you've opened my eyes, my heart and my soul and i love you. i've never, ever felt this way with the other guys." she told him while looking down at the floor. "you're my first love, i guess."

he cupped her chin with his hand and lifted her chin up so that she'd look at him straight into his eyes.

"you're not the first girl i've dated, and you're not the first love in my life but i sure damn hope that you'll be my one and only, my last."

she smiled and kissed him again and he replied her kiss, eagerly.

p.s: he was her first love but she was not is first love, but they were each other's last love.

the diary girl.

"hey?" he said when he spotted her sitting down on a mat gazing at the stars above. she was alone.

"hey. what are you doing here?" she said, startled and relieved that it was just him.

"i was looking for you all over. Mimie said to me that you'd be here and here you are." he replied with a smile on his face. the place was lighted by street lamps.

"and here YOU are." she said, smiling.

"can i join you?" he asked.

"oh sure. come, sit." she gestured for him to sit and budged a little to give a small space for him to sit.

"so.... what are you doing?" he asked when he finally sat next to her.

"just gazing at the stars. why were you looking for me? are we gonna talk about...." she trailed off and gave him a sneaky grin.

"no! no! for heaven's sake no. i've promised you that i won't talk with you about that! it's just, it's been a while since we've last talked. i missed it. so i went all over to find you. called your phone, but you didn't pick up." he said innocently.

"sorry. left it at Mimie's." she said, and shrugged her shoulders. she continued gazing at the stars.

"i see. thought so. aren't the stars beautiful tonight?" he asked and his head and his eyes looked up into the heavens. the night sky was literally littered with hundreds, maybe millions of stars that night.

"they sure are. billions, and billions of miles away from us and here we are, gazing at them." she said without looking at him.

"i still can't believe how close you and i have become. you were this timid, timid girl who'd run away from any form of social contact..." he said with a cheeky smile on his face and turned to look at her.

"and here i am talking to one of the popular boys in school." she said, and she looked at him too. a small laughter escaped from her and she blushed a little. she could feel the warmth of the blood moving slowly across her cheeks.

"i wouldn't say i'm popular." he said and a small laughter escaped him, too.

"puhlease. the whole entire school knows who you are." she said, and she rolled her eyes.

"and i now they know you too miss-i-can-belt-out-a-Mariah-Carey-song." he said, and he gave her a soft nudge.

"that was because you made me do it." she replied, and nudged him too.

"because you are an awesome singer, and an even more awesome person, friend."he said, and he pulled her close.

"never in a million years have i thought that i'd be friends with you." she said, and she slowly lowered her head on the boy's shoulder.

"if i hadn't approached you..." he said, and he gazed at the stars.

"...we won't have been friends in the first place, or be this close. you're a persistent person." she said, laughing.

"so i have been told."

they were at the park, gazing at the stars for hours while reminiscing about their lives together; how they became friends, the events that brought them together, their lives. they shared everything. it was one of their nights together, spent with hours and hours of talking about hopes and dreams, successes and failures, regrets and mistakes. they didn't care what people thought of them, just as long as they have each other, they were alright. she made him feel alright about himself and that's what he loved about her. he knew that he could trust her with his fears, his secrets-she was his diary. she knew basically almost everything about him and she didn't mind being his listener and best of all, he liked that she wasn't afraid to say what was on her mind. "i like this. it's like, i finally know that i am worth as a person," she'd say. 

they loved spending time with each other when they've got the chance to. they weren't in love with each other, but they do love each other. 

p.s: who knows what the future holds, but i'd love to be friends with you, until whenever.

p.s.s: for the girl with the Diary.

grandpa

"grandpa, grandpa." Charlie calls out to his grandfather. a question has been bothering the 9 year old that caused him to lose sleep last night. there's no one better, and more experienced, and more knowledgeable in little Charlie's opinion to answer the questions he always has in his head. little Charlie is a curious kid with lots of things to ask and lots of answers he wishes to seek. his grandfather, little Charlie thought, is the best man in the whole entire universe that can provide him with answers, or at least thoughts for him to ponder on.

"in the study Charlie," Charlie hears his grandpa's answer and walks down from the steps and turns left, walks a few steps and on his right is the study where his grandpa would spend most of his days reading, typing and the occasional letter-writing to old pals, his grandpa would say. Charlie turns the knob of the study's door and in he walks with his bothered and confused face. his grandpa who is sitting on a chair with his head bowed down and pen in hand, looks towards the door and there he sees his little grandson, the one and only, with freckles on his face, golden brown hair, blue eyes and this worried expression on his face. 

"what is it my little Charlie?" grandpa asks as he puts down his pen and invites little Charlie, who has grown up so fast that grandpa does not invite him to sit on his lap anymore like they usually did. Charlie understands this situation and realising that his grandpa is also losing strength to support his growing height, and weight on his lap, decides to sit on another chair, opposite his grandpa's. though Charlie is growing up at a great speed but to grandpa, little Charlie will always be little in his eyes.

"grandpa, i overheard mum and dad arguing again last night," little Charlie starts saying. his parents have been arguing a lot lately and the intensity of those arguments are increasing as well. this worries his grandpa, of course, little Charlie knows this because every single time they overhear Charlie's parents arguing, his grandpa would frown, the way his grandpa would frown if his favorite baseball team is losing, or if he forgets where his dentures are. grandpa remains quiet and waits for Charlie to finish his sentence. this is one thing that Charlie likes about his grandpa. unlike his parents or his teachers in school or some of his friends, his grandpa will patiently sit and wait for Charlie to finish his sentence as Charlie tries to find the right words to say instead of being interrupted so suddenly. "so, mum and dad argued last night," Charlie says again and his grandpa nods, "and i heard them say, if they hadn't met mum said she'd be happier. dad said, if i hadn't been born, he'd leave this family already and mum said if it hadn't been for me, she'd leave too."

grandpa's face is red, red with anger and his heart is breaking and he is disappointed too with the fact that his son and daughter would say such a thing. "i'm sorry Charlie, that you have to hear those words coming from your mum and dad." grandpa clenches his fists and he plans, in his head, to have a word with Charlie's parents tonight. "so Charlie, are you hurt with what your parents said? is that what you want to talk about?"

"no." Charlie answered tartly and this surprises his grandpa. "it's not that i'm hurt," Charlie continues saying, "it's just that, mum and dad, they always have this word 'if', i hate that word grandpa." 

"now Charlie, why do you hate that word?" grandpa asks, concern.

"because i think it's a bad word grandpa. it's a mean and nasty word. it means that they wish that one thing didn't happen and they wished for another thing to happen instead. i came across this word, "regret" when i Googled the word 'if' on the thesaurus. so i Googled regret and... and..." little Charlie starts sobbing and his grandpa got up from his chair and goes over to Charlie's and gives him a hug.

"there, there Charlie, do not cry." his grandpa says trying to cool Charlie down. by this point, it isn't only anger that's bothering grandpa, it is total rage and hatred towards both his son and daughter-in-law, at their stupidity and insensitivity towards their one and only son. "Charlie, little Charlie stop crying. hey, hey, look at me." little Charlie stops crying and looks at his grandfather in the eyes. "Charlie, you're a miracle. if you hadn't been born, i wouldn't have a grandchild. if you hadn't been born, i wouldn't have anyone to talk to. you are the greatest gift God has given me Charlie and i could not wish for a better grandson. if He hadn't given me to you, my life would have less purpose than it does."

"if..." Charlie says again. "if God exists, i want Him to make mum and dad happy, and you happy."

"Charlie, i'm already happy with you around. let me explain to you something. you're a kid now but eventually you will understand. having regrets is part of being an adult. you will have your own regrets Charlie one day but one thing that i can say Charlie, is to not question those regrets but to learn from them. as for your parents, they WILL regret saying that having you around is a regret in itself. they're wrong Charlie. they're living with regrets but to live with regrets Charlie isn't the way for you to live life Charlie. promise me something little Charlie, don't question everything that is happening, or is going to happen or things that are in the past. these are God's plans and for us to live happily, one of the ways is to not have regrets or have little of them and be strong and go on with life. God is always around, have faith Charlie. if He isn't around, none of us will be around. drop the ifs and just think of all the possibilities if you don't keep thinking about the ifs in life. is that ok, Charlie?"

"o.k. grandpa." Charlie answers. his grandpa smiles and gives him another hug. "grandpa, want to know something?" Charlie asks, "what is it Charlie?" his grandpa replies. "i don't regret having you around but i will regret losing you. i love you grandpa. you're my present from God" Charlie hugs his grandpa tighter this time and this time, Charlie isn't the only one with tears flowing down his cheeks.

***

10 years on, Charlie still remembers the words his grandpa had said to him. he touches the tombstone of his grandpa, and he smiles at the times that they had spent together when his grandpa was alive, the talks they had, the secrets they shared together. Charlie still thinks that his grandpa is the best man in the world and no one could live up to him. "thanks grandpa, for teaching me about life. thank you for everything. i love you and i miss you more and more as each day passes." Charlie whispers to himself. "my days with you were full of joy and though the house i grew up in wasn't as happy as it could be, having you around made it less of a regret grandpa. if it hadn't been for you, i would have not survived." Charlie lays down the flowers he bought and kisses the tombstone as he crouches down.

"you will always be the man i look up, always."

p.s: special bond(s)

The Tower (2)

it was his big day. no, it was THEIR big day. he had waited for this moment ever since he proposed to her. the church was decorated with lilies of all colors. it was her favorite. he had been anxious all morning, checking his suit, shining his shoes, making sure that his hair was perfect. it annoyed his best friend and best man of the day Nick. 

"look, bro. just chill o.k.? everything's gonna be fine." Nick said trying to calm his best friend down.

"i'm fuckin' nervous man!shit. i've never been this nervous since that day when we..."

"yeah, yeah. i remember that day! good times, good times. can't believe you're gonna get married. of all the people, you!"

"i know man. i couldn't believe it myself. but everything just feels so..."

"right?" Nick continued his friend's sentence.

"yeah, and complete. she makes me feel complete. she completes me. fuck. those mean the same." he laughed and got up from the chair after he had done putting on his black shoes. he went and stood in front of the full-length mirror and took a good look at himself. "what do you think?" he asked Nick.

"man, if i were gay, i'd fuck you here and then." Nick said jokingly.

"shut up man." he laughed out loud and gave Nick a friendly punch at the shoulder.

"you ready?" Nick asked after handing his friend's black blazer to complete the groom-look.

"yeah." he answered nervously whilst putting the blazer on. "i've never been this ready for anything all my life." before they walked out out of the room, he and Nick exchanged hugs.

"all the best man. she's gonna make you happy. make sure you'll make her happy too. hey wait, do you have your..." Nick asked before they left the room.

"my vow? i've memorized it last night." he said and Nick smiled at him and said, "good luck bro. i love you man." and they walked out of the room.

this is it, he thought. this is the day. never once in his life he'd imagine that he'd be in this position, in front of the aisle, on the altar, waiting for his bride to walk up to him and then they'd be wedded, officially, by the priest. his heart was beating so fast and he had butterflies in his stomach but he felt good. he felt really, really good. while waiting for his bride to appear, he scanned the church and the seats were filled with family members from both sides of their family. even his Uncle Merlin and Aunt Ruth flew all the way from Australia to attend his wedding. "we wouldn't miss it for the world," his Aunt Ruth said to him before the ceremony started when he graciously thanked her and Uncle Merlin for coming. 

in his mind, his vow that  he had written weeks before the marriage was playing in his head:

"i love you. i don't know how to appropriately start this vow, but i love you. i love you. i couldn't think of any better person that i would like, i would love, i would be obliged to be spending the rest of my life with. you've made me whole and all these years, the friendship that we had built together, just made more sense the day you confessed to me. i thought i was the only one to have feelings but how could i be so pathetically blind and cold-hearted to not feel that you feel the same way towards me as i do feel towards you? i guess i was too afraid, too caught up in my own thoughts that, that i... i don't know. you were right. it was fear. it was fear that kept me from loving anyone. but you, you made the fear disappear. that rhymed. you taught me that, to rhyme. you taught me friendship. you taught me love. but most importantly, you taught me to believe; in love. i love you, with all my heart. thank you, for agreeing to be my wife, and thank you, for allowing me to be your husband. i love you, so much. i will never, ever want to spend the rest of my life with anyone other than you, sweetheart."

as he went over those lines over and over again, he saw, in her brides-maid outfit, Clara, his soon-to-be-wife's best friend running down the aisle and in her face registered fear, and overwhelming sadness. she went up to the alter and the church and its congregation grew anxious.

"what's up, Clara? is everything alright? where's..." 

Clara pulled his head down to her level so she could whisper to him. Kyle slowly lifted his head and tears flowed down his cheeks and they were not tears of joy. he stepped down from the altar and ran down the aisle and out of the church and hailed for a cab. a mustard-yellow colored cab stopped for him and after informing the driver his destination, Kyle got into the cab and he was off, the cab speeding leaving the church grounds.

everyone was in shock with what happened and were confused. Nick without any hesitation went to ask Clara what had happened to Liana. 

"she got into an accident. she...." Clara couldn't finish her sentence and she placed her head on Nick's chest and cried as the church grew into murmuring chaos. Nick's hand brushed Clara's hair while the other pulled her close to him. she broke away from Nick after she had done crying and told him something that he would not forget.

"some people said she hit her, Nick. she hit, and then run over her."

"she, you mean? her? no. it can't be. she's in..."

"she's back Nick, she's back." Clara said in between sobs and Nick's face turned pale-white, as white as snow.

[to be continued]

p.s: i don't know where i'm going with this. 

The Tower (1)

Nick dialed his friend's number as soon as he heard the rumors about her. 

"c'mon, pick up the phone. pick up the ph.. damn it!" his first and second tries were unsuccessful. the third one was a charm. "hello Mel? hey it's Nick. I wonder have you heard from... yes? well, do you know where she... really? thanks Mel. yeah, i'm gonna see her. yeah. thanks. talk to you later. yeah alright, i'll be in touch with you." Nick hung up and kept the phone inside his jean's pocket. he grabbed his coat that was lying on the couch and walked out of his apartment.

the weather was cold and Nick pulled his coat closer to him to keep him warm. he hailed for a cab and one stopped for him. he entered the cab and told the driver his destination. the driver nodded and off they went, the driver confidently and professionally zig-zagging through the congested traffic. Nick's mind was somewhere else and he didn't concentrate on the traffic or the driver's crazy way of handling his cab. his mind was thinking about her and he had a bad, sinking feeling in his stomach. 

because of the traffic, it took them a while to reach the destination but Nick was glad that they got there in one piece. his mind came back to reality when the driver almost hit another car but the driver was lucky enough to have pressed on the brakes before anything bad were to happen to him and the driver. Nick paid for the fare and thanked the cab driver and got out of the vehicle and walked into the building. 

the building was less congested with tourists today because of the cold weather. Nick waited for the elevator with the rest of the other people. "DING", an elevator door opened and he and the rest of them rushed into it. the door closed and Nick's fear of small and tight spaces kicked in. he closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly to calm himself down. the things i do for you , Mandy, he whispered to himself. when they got to the observation deck, everyone rushed out but Nick stayed. the elevator door closed and he pressed the "NOT FUNCTIONING" button and the elevator moved one more floor up. the door opened, and cold air greeted Nick and he walked out of the elevator. he scanned the place for her, and sure enough he spotted her, standing behind the railings just looking into the horizon.

his heart was beating so fast, he didn't even know why. he walked slowly towards her and wished himself and her, all the best.

[to be continued]

p.s: experimenting. haha

friend-zone.

"you know i don't believe in love right?" Kyle said to her nonchalantly. 

"yes i do Kyle. you've told me repeatedly but i still don't get why you don't believe in it, not even a little." Liana said with a frown on her face. sometimes she wondered why she and Kyle were friends. they were complete opposites and their opinions about life's philosophies were vastly different too. 

"well, experience Lin, experience." Kyle replied while smoking his cigarette.

"what experience Kyle? you haven't been in any relationship to KNOW what or how love is like." Liana told him.

"and one has to be in a relationship with someone to know what love is?" Kyle replied with a smug on his face.

"well, not really..." Liana said.

"i rest my case." Kyle said and he put out his cigarette in the ashtray and leaned back on the sofa and watched as Liana walked towards him.

"but you haven't experienced it." she replied and plopped on the cushion next to him.

"why would i want to experience something that i don't believe in?" Kyle questioned her.

"so you'd be a believer." Liana responded with almost a defeated tone in her voice. she wanted to make him a believer so badly but knowing Kyle, she knew that'd be a challenge. "so you'd know how love feels like."

"not one of my life's goals. i don't wanna waste my time chasing after something that's invisible-a force that would end in messy, messy breakups and even messier emotional aftermaths. i've seen you after your last breakup. i definitely do not want to experience it." Kyle said, smiling.

"so your reason, of not believing in love, is because of fear?" Liana asked him.

"well, that, and in it's on hyper-hyped, overuse in all forms of reasons and excuses in human society nowadays, i don't ever think that such force exists. i just believe it's just overwhelming human emotions. emotions. there, just use that word to describe every tingling of feelings towards someone. why must there be this word love anyways? purely unnecessary." Kyle responded to her question with no hint of any emotions in his own voice.

"Kyle, love is not a force that was created by human beings..." Liana said again.

"but definitely originated from us, right?" Kyle questioned her this time around.

"even animals are capable of love, and family. family's love." Liana said, trying to convince him.

"family relationships are different. we're talking about feelings shared between two individuals who aren't tied together because they're family right? plus, animals don't love, they just copulate and have children." Kyle said.

"some birds mate for life." Liana replied, trying her best to make up reply to Kyle's endless banter.

"some humans mate for life but still that doesn't explain love, or what love exactly is. these people who've been together for a long time are probably together for the convenience of it all you know; the convenience of having someone to be with all the time. i, in the meantime, do not need such convenience. i like being alone. you know looking at the divorce rates, and the amount of effort people put into their relationships nowadays, almost makes me sick, especially couples. you know one day they're inseparable, and then wouldn't you know they're complete strangers the next! what a waste of effort all these while of being in 'love' sending texts, sharing thoughts, fears and dreams. if love is a form, or another word to replace overwhelming obsession towards someone, then God forbid me from going through that." Kyle explained to her.

"so what is love to you?" Liana was defeated and all she could muster from her mind was this question.

"non-existent. what is love to you then?" Kyle asked her.

Liana almost said love to me is you. she'd been hiding her feelings towards this non-believer of love for years, convinced that she's in love with him but too afraid to admit because of the priceless friendship that they've built over the last few years or so. she didn't want to jeopardize the only emotional link, the only reason she had to be connected to Kyle. so, instead she said,

"i don't know. i don't really know what it is," when it was really the other way around.

"exactly my point." Kyle smiled and pulled her close to him and allowed her to rest her head on his shoulder. 

Liana went quiet and all she could do was looked at Kyle in the eyes and regretted that she has missed out on another chance; another chance to build something great, or destroy something wonderful. 

"hey Kyle?" Liana said, not looking at him.

"yes Lin?" Kyle replied and looked at her.

"you know what, never mind, never mind." 

"oh alright. hey, your favorite show's on now. lemme turn on the tv."

as long as i'm happy, and as long as he's here with me, i'll be alright, i'll be alright, Liana thought to herself and cuddled closer to Kyle. i love you Kyle, and you don't have to know. you don't have to know, yet and she smiled and Kyle pulled her closer to him and they watched t.v together until both of them fell asleep, wrapped in each other's arms.

p.s: hopes and dreams.

high school.

it's been years since i last stepped into my high school but i still can remember how the corridors looked like when i was there, i could imagine the people that went to school there when i was there, i could see the teachers who were teaching there when i was still there, and i could still remember watching the sunrise slowly creeping out in the horizon from the corridor of my classroom. it's one of those things that will forever be in my mind.

my high school years weren't the best i can warrant you that. i was an average kid. everything about me was average from the way i looked, the way i acted and my grades. i didn't stand out. i was happy, carefree. i didn't really care what people thought of me. i didn't know what heartache was. the only heartache i knew came from listening the stories of love from my friends. i wasn't busy looking for anyone. there were crushes here and there but nothing turned out to be anything serious. i was happy being alone and being with my friends. having a relationship was no where near my mind. all i cared about were my friends and about myself. my friends were already busy flirting, hooking up, having boyfriends and girlfriends, talking about feelings and relationship problems and there i would listen and give advice (of which i learnt from books i've read and movies i've watched) to my friends and i would remind myself how if i were ever in a relationship i'd do things differently from what my friends did.

i remember spending afternoons after school hours 'hanging out' in the library. i '' because hanging out usually involves hanging out at some cool places like the mall or cafe or deli but to us, the library was our place. nerdy, lame, i know but that our sanctuary, our clubhouse. we would spend every afternoon doing our homework first and study a bit before closing our books and gossiping and talking about the future. we'd spend hours and hours from Monday until Friday together in the discussion part of the library where all the books are kept just talking, discussing, having fun to pass the time away. we didn't get sick of each other's company, in fact, we were looking forward to our little meetings in the afternoons.

at 500pm we would walk out of the library, walk down 2 flights of stairs and walk straight to the what was then a maroon-roofed patio with white tiles as our sitting place whilst waiting for our respective parents or guardians to pick us up. sometimes, on some days, we'd walk to the other side where the all girls school is located and we'd buy snacks from a lady who sells drinks from her white van. back then there was also this Malay lady who sold potato wedges near where the Chinese lady would park her van. 

the best part about being in high school was we'd talk about dreams as if they were really distant in the future. i remember imagining having my own fashion magazine empire called St. Osa with a dear friend (she's going to get married soon. time flies, huh?) and how i told them if i were thinner and attractive i'd apply to become an air steward. there was really little for me to fret or worry or being emotional about when i was in school. all i had to worry were my grades, my homework, my friends' problems and none of my own. i now know why they'd call me the 'happy-go-lucky' guy because i truly was happy and content. 

now, about 5 years since i've left school, things are definitely different. i am different. definitely more emotional but i couldn't say for sure whether i've matured. i've gone through so much and i looking back, remembering and wondering about some of the things that were said back then, those talks i had with my friends, how things, most of them, didn't turn out how they would or should. my views on certain things have changed and i am definitely more aware of how the real world functions. i know more about life than i ever did when i was in school, and i am not sure whether some of the things i've experienced i would've expected myself to experience. truth be told, i don't think i've expected the things that i've experienced thus far after i've completed schooling to happen to me. 

but this is true: i won't ever forget the simpler days of school years. they were torturing yes, but they were a whole lot of fun too. much, much simpler times with less complex issues to deal with, less emotional and psychological torture. i am definitely missing my school years. i wonder if my classmates and my other friends miss high school too. they're all over the place now living their lives. i am too, living my own. 

i have contemplated of stepping through the gates of the school and walking around to see what has changed in that alma mater of mine but i've yet to do so. maybe one of these days i would go back. maybe i should.

p.s: much simpler times, i miss.

hey, i've dreamt you into life.

hey [insert act of going up to a total stranger, an attractive total stranger]. i'm sorry, but i think i've seen you somewhere haven't i? no? seriously? i'm so, sorry that i'm freaking you out right now but i think i've seen you somewhere. you think so too? wow. this is weird. i thought i was the only one [insert small laughter, charming smile, awkward body movements]. hey, my name is Robert, without the Pattinson [insert act of holding out hand for a handshake]. not funny huh? then why are you smiling [insert charming smile]? reflex action to a lame pick-up line? i wasn't doing any pick-up line. i was just being me. you don't believe me? charming guys still do exist [insert act of being offended]. you're going? hey, i didn't catch your name yet! Sarah? wow. that's a beautiful name. it suits you really well. thanks, my mum has this knack of naming all her children correctly. wow! your mum too? we have so much in common. hey, i just met you and this is crazy, but... oh my god... did i just sing to you? gad, i'm so... yeah, lame. thanks for completing that sentence [insert charming smile]. so hey, here's my number and i hope that we can go grab a cup of coffee or something later on? yeah sure [insert act of giving phone number to Sarah]. so, i hope i'll get to see you soon [insert charming smile]? yes, the power's in your hands definitely [small laughter]. so i'll see you around then, Sarah? nice meeting you, and urmm.. call me, maybe? god, i have to get that song out of my head [insert charming smile, small laughter, and a hand wave]. hey Sarah. wanna know why you seem so familiar to me? it's because i've been dreaming of you, lately [insert charming smile and the act of walking away slowly]. now that's a pick-up line [insert small laughter].

*

Sarah looked at the phone number on the palm of her hand and she couldn't believe her luck. she was there at the market just planning to buy some apples and who would've known she'd stumble upon a charming, handsome, funny man who was clearly into her. she thought of his last words to her and how they seemed to not be funny to her. funny, i've been dreaming of you too, she whispered to herself and walked away from the apple stand with a huge smile on her face. 

*

no, you're not a dream Sarah, you're real. i've been dreaming of you for a while and seeing you at that apple stand made me do something that i thought i could have never done, Robert said to himself. he played the scene over and over again in his head as he walked away from the market. you're real Sarah. i've been dreaming about you and you're real. i've kinda dreamt you into life, Robert whispered to himself.

"i think i've just met my soul-mate." Robert said to no one in particular and he had a huge smile on his face, too.

p.s: stories, dreams, fantasies, they come true, sometimes.

we'll manage

"i think i have to go." he said to her. his bags were packed and he definitely was ready to go, and leave her.

"this is not how things are supposed to end between the two of us." she said between sobs. she expected their departure from each other weeks before today but the overwhelming feelings that came along with the departure: that, she didn't expect, at all.

"you want me to leave right? i'm just giving you what you want." he said calmly as he collected the remaining of his things from her bedroom: his shirts, his briefs, some of his pictures, a few of his old toy cars that he'd play with before he fell asleep. she always thought that that act was childish but now all she could think was how endearing it actually was. 

"i know, i know but couldn't we at least talk about it? i mean where we're supposed to be after this? are we going to be o.k.?' she said, sitting at the edge of her bed now, trying her best to remain composed but she couldn't hold back her sobs, it was too hard.

"i don't know about you, but i have this fantastic plan laid out. i will be out of your hair, out of your life before you can say, 'move on'" he said cheekily, smiling at her. "i'm all done now." he said. "oh by the way," he said while saddling the bags on his shoulder, "i don't know if we're going to be friends. i really don't. but hey, we'll keep in touch somehow. i know we will."

"but how?" she said, now getting up to follow him.

they stopped at her front door, and he was already turning the knob, opening the door slightly, "we'll manage somehow," he said and before he left, he kissed the top of her head and wished her goodbye. when the door closed, she leaned her back against it and cried the whole night through.

*

it was a lie. he didn't have any plans. the plan was just to take all his things and move on. live one day at a time. that was it. but he was determined. he knew he had to be strong. the temptation to go back to her and hold her in his arms, and be together again; but his will and mind were much stronger than his heart. so he chose to walk away for now, not wanting to look back because the pain would be too much to bear. he had to go. he had to prove something: to himself especially. so in the dead, cold and silent night, he walked towards his home, though struggling to contain his tears, he knew that he will survive this. this was just another heartbreak, and somehow, he had trust, and most importantly faith, that he'd make through this one just like he had made through the other breakups. i will survive this, i will, he thought and he will.

*

she didn't expect things to be this hard. the next few weeks were tough on her. she couldn't really think straight. she had a difficult time at work, her friends were concerned that she hadn't eaten properly and that her life was quite a mess. one day though, she woke up with a great sense of realisation that she needed to change what and how she was feeling. she couldn't be this way, she thought to herself. being in grief all the time isn't the way to live. it was the first time in weeks that she actually woke up with a smile on her face. she knew moving on was hard work, but she had gone through it numerous times before and that she had gone through them o.k. things will be fine, they always do, she thought to herself. she got up and went to work with a smile and new found confidence and though her mind would sometime lead itself to him and that night, it doesn't bother her that much anymore. i will survive this, i will, she thought and she will.

p.s: because everyone survives a heartbreak.