grandpa

"grandpa, grandpa." Charlie calls out to his grandfather. a question has been bothering the 9 year old that caused him to lose sleep last night. there's no one better, and more experienced, and more knowledgeable in little Charlie's opinion to answer the questions he always has in his head. little Charlie is a curious kid with lots of things to ask and lots of answers he wishes to seek. his grandfather, little Charlie thought, is the best man in the whole entire universe that can provide him with answers, or at least thoughts for him to ponder on.

"in the study Charlie," Charlie hears his grandpa's answer and walks down from the steps and turns left, walks a few steps and on his right is the study where his grandpa would spend most of his days reading, typing and the occasional letter-writing to old pals, his grandpa would say. Charlie turns the knob of the study's door and in he walks with his bothered and confused face. his grandpa who is sitting on a chair with his head bowed down and pen in hand, looks towards the door and there he sees his little grandson, the one and only, with freckles on his face, golden brown hair, blue eyes and this worried expression on his face. 

"what is it my little Charlie?" grandpa asks as he puts down his pen and invites little Charlie, who has grown up so fast that grandpa does not invite him to sit on his lap anymore like they usually did. Charlie understands this situation and realising that his grandpa is also losing strength to support his growing height, and weight on his lap, decides to sit on another chair, opposite his grandpa's. though Charlie is growing up at a great speed but to grandpa, little Charlie will always be little in his eyes.

"grandpa, i overheard mum and dad arguing again last night," little Charlie starts saying. his parents have been arguing a lot lately and the intensity of those arguments are increasing as well. this worries his grandpa, of course, little Charlie knows this because every single time they overhear Charlie's parents arguing, his grandpa would frown, the way his grandpa would frown if his favorite baseball team is losing, or if he forgets where his dentures are. grandpa remains quiet and waits for Charlie to finish his sentence. this is one thing that Charlie likes about his grandpa. unlike his parents or his teachers in school or some of his friends, his grandpa will patiently sit and wait for Charlie to finish his sentence as Charlie tries to find the right words to say instead of being interrupted so suddenly. "so, mum and dad argued last night," Charlie says again and his grandpa nods, "and i heard them say, if they hadn't met mum said she'd be happier. dad said, if i hadn't been born, he'd leave this family already and mum said if it hadn't been for me, she'd leave too."

grandpa's face is red, red with anger and his heart is breaking and he is disappointed too with the fact that his son and daughter would say such a thing. "i'm sorry Charlie, that you have to hear those words coming from your mum and dad." grandpa clenches his fists and he plans, in his head, to have a word with Charlie's parents tonight. "so Charlie, are you hurt with what your parents said? is that what you want to talk about?"

"no." Charlie answered tartly and this surprises his grandpa. "it's not that i'm hurt," Charlie continues saying, "it's just that, mum and dad, they always have this word 'if', i hate that word grandpa." 

"now Charlie, why do you hate that word?" grandpa asks, concern.

"because i think it's a bad word grandpa. it's a mean and nasty word. it means that they wish that one thing didn't happen and they wished for another thing to happen instead. i came across this word, "regret" when i Googled the word 'if' on the thesaurus. so i Googled regret and... and..." little Charlie starts sobbing and his grandpa got up from his chair and goes over to Charlie's and gives him a hug.

"there, there Charlie, do not cry." his grandpa says trying to cool Charlie down. by this point, it isn't only anger that's bothering grandpa, it is total rage and hatred towards both his son and daughter-in-law, at their stupidity and insensitivity towards their one and only son. "Charlie, little Charlie stop crying. hey, hey, look at me." little Charlie stops crying and looks at his grandfather in the eyes. "Charlie, you're a miracle. if you hadn't been born, i wouldn't have a grandchild. if you hadn't been born, i wouldn't have anyone to talk to. you are the greatest gift God has given me Charlie and i could not wish for a better grandson. if He hadn't given me to you, my life would have less purpose than it does."

"if..." Charlie says again. "if God exists, i want Him to make mum and dad happy, and you happy."

"Charlie, i'm already happy with you around. let me explain to you something. you're a kid now but eventually you will understand. having regrets is part of being an adult. you will have your own regrets Charlie one day but one thing that i can say Charlie, is to not question those regrets but to learn from them. as for your parents, they WILL regret saying that having you around is a regret in itself. they're wrong Charlie. they're living with regrets but to live with regrets Charlie isn't the way for you to live life Charlie. promise me something little Charlie, don't question everything that is happening, or is going to happen or things that are in the past. these are God's plans and for us to live happily, one of the ways is to not have regrets or have little of them and be strong and go on with life. God is always around, have faith Charlie. if He isn't around, none of us will be around. drop the ifs and just think of all the possibilities if you don't keep thinking about the ifs in life. is that ok, Charlie?"

"o.k. grandpa." Charlie answers. his grandpa smiles and gives him another hug. "grandpa, want to know something?" Charlie asks, "what is it Charlie?" his grandpa replies. "i don't regret having you around but i will regret losing you. i love you grandpa. you're my present from God" Charlie hugs his grandpa tighter this time and this time, Charlie isn't the only one with tears flowing down his cheeks.

***

10 years on, Charlie still remembers the words his grandpa had said to him. he touches the tombstone of his grandpa, and he smiles at the times that they had spent together when his grandpa was alive, the talks they had, the secrets they shared together. Charlie still thinks that his grandpa is the best man in the world and no one could live up to him. "thanks grandpa, for teaching me about life. thank you for everything. i love you and i miss you more and more as each day passes." Charlie whispers to himself. "my days with you were full of joy and though the house i grew up in wasn't as happy as it could be, having you around made it less of a regret grandpa. if it hadn't been for you, i would have not survived." Charlie lays down the flowers he bought and kisses the tombstone as he crouches down.

"you will always be the man i look up, always."

p.s: special bond(s)