random post 4.

i've been uninspired lately. i don't know. i have no idea what to write. i have no idea what i should be thinking of. i think a whole lot of problems though, these and that. i'm not gonna tell it here though; tis a little too personal. i need to get my brain and imagination working properly again.

i talked to a stranger the other day when i was at the clinic waiting for the doctor. he first talked to me in chinese and then i said, "i couldn't understand you sir," with a smile on my face.

"why do you need two handphones?" he asked. i looked down at my phones and i turned to him to answer but there's not really a good of an explanation to describe why i have two phones. i just said that i have them to keep in touch with my friends. then he smiled and laughed and suddenly i smiled too. he asked me what telco provider i was using so i answered accordingly. our conversations snowballed from there.

mostly we talked about politics. i don't know much about politics so i listened to him talk more than i gave him my opinions. he asked me questions like, "what do you think.." or "how do you feel..." those questions really were complicated to answer since i don't really have that much of an interest in politics. 

but i liked talking to him. he was kind and nice. though he's a chinese, he didn't take any sides in politics, he said. i said, "me too."

"you're taking TESL eh? are you going to become a teacher?"

"i have no idea yet uncle. what i really want to do is to write."

"maybe that can become a side-income. you know, you write articles for newspapers and magazines."

"yeah uncle. i'm writing a story now..."

we talked some more, mostly about politics. then the doctor called me. i said him my good-byes and left him smiling at me, and i smiled back. that marked the end of a random conversation with the chinese uncle. 

i wonder why did God meet me with him? 

p.s: we meet people, some stay, some go. it's life.

tamat sudah cerita?

Angan-angan tiada salah nya

Impian ada juga yang menjadi nyata

Mimpi juga adakala nya menjadi realiti

Tetapi,

Sudah-sudah lah engkau berceritera

Mengenai fantasi yang tiada

Menjadi-jadi benar

Tiada ikhlas dan tulus nya wujud

Di dalam prosa-prosa yang terkeluar

Daripada mulut engkau. Wahai si pencerita

Henti kan! omongan engkau

Cukup lah disini sahaja berhenti nya

Kata-kata dongeng

Yang menyakitkan hati membingitkan telinga

Jalan sudah ditunjuk

Disuluh dengan lampu yang terang, menyala

Jadi si pencerita,

Keluar kan langkah mu

Ambil lah jalan itu

Tiada guna nya engkau mahu lari

Ke sana ke mari

Berpusing-pusing akhirnya menyusah kan diri

Kerana semua nya sudah terbongkar

Kebenaran nya sudah tiba

Tiada lagi ruang untuk tipu daya

“Your time is up,” wahai si ‘propa’.           

p.s:game over?

the old man.

i am currently having a 4 month break, semester break, and currently working as a part-timer at a place i used to work at. anyways, to keep the story short, i started working yesterday. so i entered the kitchen feeling all lethargic and tired and everyone greeted me and were shocked to see me getting back to work. nothing much changed with the place- still hot and oily here and there but hey, it's work and it pays me money. but there was something else that caught my eyes. i saw an old man, a little younger from my uncle (who's now 66 by the way) working as one of the washers in the kitchen. immediately my heart sank. what kinda person would allow a man of that age to do manual labor?

did you know that his work involves him doing the dishes as well as washing all the pots and pans used by the chefs as well as mopping the floors? i know it doesn't seem like a heavy job but it actually it is. imagine having to wash, arrange and wipe heavy dishes and pots and pans at the age of 55 and above instead of resting at home and enjoying life?

i just had the chance to talk to him today. actually, he initiated the conversation first.

"kamu kampung mana nak?" the old man asked, his back a little bend and in his eyes were little twinkles. his skin were a little dark and course and he smiled at me.

"saya tinggal dekat matang. taman matang jaya. pak cik?" i asked him. and sure enough i got a reply from the old man.

"saya tinggal dekat kampung baru semariang." the old man replied.

that's quite a distance from here, i thought to myself.

"so, macam mana pak cik datang kerja?" i asked, concerned.

"naik bus, pastu naik van. sampailah." the old man said with a smile.

immediately my heart sank again. he was mopping the floor while we were talking. then we walked over to the sink while i was doing my work and he was cleaning something else. we talked some more. all the time we were talking, that smile never faded from his face, that carefree-i-have-no-problems kinda smile. i think for me that smile was a sad smile too; it was as if he was protecting a huge secret from me. i don't believe that he's doing this part-time job of his for 3 months now because "he has nothing better to do at home". i guess it's for some other reason(s)

so i found out from him that he was a retired prison guard who has no children and living with his sister. why he was working? because he was bored at home so now he's at the hotel's main kitchen doing the dishes. 

i guess what i'm trying to say here is, i don't know really. i pity the old man. i think should have not been there in the first place, working, doing manual labor. he should be at home, resting, enjoying his retiree years. i don't think he should be there. but maybe he needs the money. i know at least he's not begging for money at least but it still aches me to see such an old man doing labor. really. really. i guess me and him, what we both have in common is i guess he needs the money and i do too. that's why both of us are there.

some of us are just so fortunate, we have no idea.

p.s: life's not easy to begin with but everything happens for a reason.

the life.

The moment he opened his eyes was the moment he should be thankful that he was given another day to live on this forsaken planet.  He had never done it: being thankful. For 25 years he struggled with his life; going here and there, doing this and that, trying to find money to get by another hour, another day, another month, another year. Get up, clean, off to work, lunch, work, dinner, work. Home.

That was his routine.

He never got tired of it. He realized that was what he needed to do to get by. He felt frustrated with how his life had turned out but if it was fated, what can he do about it. People say, well, if you fight hard enough, maybe your luck and fate will change. But then he thought:

Well I’ve fought hard enough, I mean, I did try to change the way I live. Did I try hard enough? Yes. I did. But here I am, still stuck doing the same shit over and over again so I can get by every, single, day. What if I am the unlucky few that God had chosen to lead a stagnant, unimportant and uneventful life? What if that IS my fate all along? Then, if it is so, should I fight to change it? If it is meant to be, then, it is meant to be right? FATE. Whoever created that word is a genius. A four letter word that can mean so much. Like love, or hate, or sick or life. Four-letter words to describe the deepest feelings and emotions and thoughts. No wonder sometimes we run out of things to say.

What am I babbling here? What I am trying to say is, I should be thankful. I am living and I have lived. But to ask for more, is it wrong? Is it too much to ask, to see the world? Too much to ask too, to fall in love? Much to ask, to feel, happy? Truly, genuinely, happy. Why can other people experience that and not me? To be able to do things they love and get away with it. Why can't i be the same? Life can be so, unfair? Can I say that? Fair. that is another big four-letter word. 

Those were his thoughts.

He knew life was going to be hard. He never expected it to be THIS hard. He should be thankful though. He never starved, he was not terminally ill, and he lived in a peaceful country. What more could he ask for? The necessities were there, to not be taken for granted. He had enough food, a stable income (though just enough for survival. Sometimes though, it is not enough to survive.), a shelter, clothes.

One more thing: He had family and friends who loved him.

He had the strongest pillar of support anyone could ever ask for. He looked back at his life, all those hardships he went through to help provide for his family, the drama and fun he had with his friends; he had all of those. He was happy. There were lots of moments with them when he felt truly happy. He felt carefree.

He never traveled the world, or had a car, or had fancy gadgets, or wear expensive clothes or ate expensive food. So when he breathed his last breath on that fateful Sunday morning, he knew his life was not the dream life he had hoped and imagined when he was younger. But my God, did he live. 

My God, did he live.

p.s: be thankful, and happy. you are fortunate, too.

perasaan itu.

apa yang engkau

mahu

sebenar nya, sebetul nya?

aku nampak

riak wajah

senyuman nipis

kerlipan mata tanpa sinar

engkau itu

tapi

aku dapat rasa kan

hati engkau,

tidak merasai emosi yang sama.

ada kah

hati engkau

sedang bermuram durja?

jika ia,

mengapa?

oh.

perasaan itu,

kau 

bicara?

luah kan?

pendam?

dendam?

tapi...

bukan kah sudah di kurnia kan

kepada engkau wahai

jejaka

beberapa perkara yang 

tiada pada orang lain

ada pada 

engkau?

bukan kah 

engkau 

sudah di hadiah kan

dengan ke boleh an

yang kosong pada 

orang lain?

yang tiada ada pada mereka lain am nya

pada engkau

dalam engkau

ada perkara tersebut

tolong sedari

kita manusia

sentiasa mencari apa yang 

tidak hadir 

dalam diri

pada insan lain

dan mereka pun

sama

mencari dalam kita

untuk entiti yang tiada

dikesan

dalam diri mereka

apa kata,

kita cari, 

dalam diri 

masing-masing

apa yang 

sudah ada

sudah wujud

sudah terasa

jadi perasaan itu

tidak akan menghantui 

memakan diri

tiada baik nya 

berperasaan

berfikiran

berhati 

begitu.

p.s: keep calm and be patient. rezeki ada di mana-mana.

4.

semester 4 ended with a slight whimper and less boisterous noises, very little good-byes were exchanged despite the fact that we are going to be separated from each other for 4 months. semester 4, 4 months of break, 4 months since you left me. humph. such significance. 

semester 4 started on a bad note for me. my relationship ended. so that's that. however, the journey towards the end of semester 4 was the hardest. there were so many things going on at the same time. drama, creative project, tests, assignments not to mention the drama, internal and external conflicts. semester 4 had definitely been one hell of a ride. it was almost scary. actually, it was already scary. 

semester 4 had been a semester of emotional turmoil and struggle. i guess my studies were affected too, kinda. 

when i got on the plane and as it left the tarmac and flew into the crystal, clear and bright blue sky, i thought of all the things that had happened, the things that took place within me, the thoughts and emotions i had experienced. semester 4 had definitely been a semester of growing up and learning. throughout my degree years, never in my life had i experienced such a phase or process of maturing and education. 

semester 4 had been one of the most fragile moments of my life. really, it was. i felt like the whole time, i was skating on thin ice, walking on a tightrope, flying in a stormy weather; that kinda feeling. even after things were done, the relief or satisfaction weren't really genuine, wasn't 100%. 

there were joyful moments, of course they were. luckily there were those moments, or else i guess i'd be breaking down and go mental. 

this 4 months break, as i looked out the window as the plane was flying, i thought of all those faces whom i care about. i closed my eyes and held back my tears. i'm going to miss them. 4 months is definitely a long time. in 4 months, anything can happen. everything can change. 

i'm glad and cursing at the same time that i'm so far away from everybody. the space is good, the distance, not so.

p.s: luckily, there is you. you've been holding my hands through and through. thank you. :')

4 line-rs.

i need time to, forget, completely,

i need time to, love, unconditionally,

i need time, to be yours, truly,

i need you, honestly.

p.s: walking forward with you.