random post 3. (beware! vanity involved)

i think at first glance, people will see me as shallow. i think it's because of the way i dress, and talk and carry myself or maybe it is just my perception that i think people think i'm shallow when in fact they don't really think about me that much as i don't or didn't really matter in their lives. 

perhaps.

i guess if i see myself from an outsider's point of view, i'd regard and see myself as shallow. yes, shallow. as in, someone who doesn't think a lot and has very limited thinking skills and can only summon 0.003% of his mental capabilities. shallow as in someone who has very limited views on life or probably none at all. shallow as in self-centered. shallow as in selfish. shallow as being unable to think and view the world from different points and perspectives. 

yes. shallow.

but i guess i rather surprise people with what a not shallow person i am. i mean i am a thinker and people often seem to think i am too much of a thinker. i like to think myself as an observer and i sit idly and watch people go by. i do that sometimes though and people would think i'm a freak for looking and staring at them. i mean no harm really. it's just that my mind sometimes gets so caught up that i forget remove my stares. 

sometimes i think about their dressing; their overall appearance really. after that i'd move on to bigger things like their behaviors, the sound of their voices or their actions and expressions. then my mind starts creating stories and making up stuff and then i wish i'd have pens and papers with me so i can write my thoughts down. i guess i should do that. and make scripts and send them in.

and make money. and buy clothes. and become fashionable and attractive. and hangout at the "cool and in" places like posh cafes with overpriced drinks and food or at art districts or something.

oh. i am shallow after all. 

well, a portion of me at least. according to a friend, she thinks everyone's shallow. i happened to agree with her. 

i like talking to her, this friend. she's very insightful and has very open thoughts and opinions and i enjoy sharing conversations with her. we disagree and agree at the same time. is that even possible? anyways, every time that i get the chance to talk to her, i'd use the time wisely. i love her views.. and her voice. and the way she speaks with her own accent (or slang?). she's different from other people because she takes time to listen, digest and then she'll speak her mind. she is out-of-the-box.

i love the fact that we both see the world like pieces of literature (or maybe it's just me? i think she feels the same way.) we are characters and the rest are too. both of us know our characters and which roles to play, which mask to wear and how to react according to the plan in our heads but most of the time it's just impromptu acting.

i told her that she's socially-experimenting because she's not the sort of person to just stick to a group of people. she's her own group. her own mind. i see her as that way. i like the fact that when i said that she's socially-experimenting, she said "i'm glad someone's noticed."

i love heart-to-heart, mind-to-mind talk, especially when it's between only 2 individuals that either know each other very well, doesn't know each other or barely know each other. 

p.s: had a wonderful ending to a chaotic day and also an opening to an uncertain day. by the way, Mr.Kieran said i should read more and i agree. i have problems with my tenses and punctuations. and i agree. 

fortunate.

you are lucky

fortunate

to give anything 

to be in your shoes

is what i would do

dream

imagine

as far as the mind can go

i will still be

at the same place

unchanged

unmoved

you are fortunate

lucky

that is what you are

you can have

almost everything you desire

mine 

becomes dust

wasted dreams

unreached reality

unchanged

unmoved

i can keep on wanting

and wishing

but i would still

be the same

oh!

you are lucky

fortunate

yes you so very are.

p.s: i'm envious and now depressed.

time. after. time.

tiny bits and pieces

of memories' past

seeping constantly 

into my mind

about not-so forgotten time.

cannot i just forget 

all those times

we had together

laughing

about things that did not matter.

those minute 

little moments

so microscopic now

they used to be giants

bigger than elephants.

all of them

remained in the past

refreshed in the mind

at unnecessary intervals

of time.

memories shall remain

and they shall prevail

tears will well

when the mind remembers

the past events.

so,

so long i cannot say

to those memories

happier days

when there was you

and there was me

writing stories

of our very own histories.

p.s: my life revolves around everyone else's, sometimes.

random post 2.

today is saturday. yes. saturday. it's been a rather unproductive day. after yesterday's blunder, i think i deserved to be unproductive today. well, not really unproductive because i did some stuff. i would more likely put it as being rather not chaotic as compared to last week.

anyways, watched AF9. for those who do not know what AF is, it is an abbreviation for Akademi Fantasia. the show has been running for 9 years and this year will be the last AF. who would've thought the once beloved singing-talent-searching competition which has spawned quite a number of stars in the is gonna end. i think it's a good move really. no one's really THAT interested anymore in joining reality t.v shows. all people do nowadays is post videos of themselves singing their lungs out on Youtube and wham! they'll be famous. just ask rebecca black! 

i think somehow, Malaysia's running low on REAL talents. don't get me wrong, there are really good singers out there but you know, none of them really have that X-Factor per se. AF has been a pretty good platform really for those who wanna kick-start their singing careers for those who wanna pursue singing it's just that i think the popularity has declined over the years because of the lack of talents who managed to get onto the show.

it's a pity really. i KNOW there are real people out there with REAL TALENTS (i know a few) who are really, really, really good but they're not interested to be in the lime-light. what these people do is they chase the arts to convey their feelings and emotions and messages and not just for the sake of fame and popularity like so many artistes we have nowadays. 

i read one of my friends' tweets and it went something like this: we are dying for artists, not celebrities.

and i can't help but to agree.

everyone's hungry for fame and popularity and power nowadays, it makes me wonder if the things they do are  done with sincerity and honesty or just plain forced.

p.s: pia toscano :'(

propaganda.

these fictional stories you weave

of unproved truths and twisted lies

of fairy-tale life

and uncharted reality

seems so far-fetched 

and unreal

they seem obscure 

and full of nothing.

blank pages after blank pages

were turned

with invisible ink splattering all over

telling of stories that never did take place

of reality that never existed

in the very first place.

and so here we are

stuck still

behind bars 

of made-up stories

and blurred reality,

of unfulfilled promises

and dead propagandas,

of fictional tales

and detailed biography,

of fairy stories

and factual encyclopedia.

here we are 

stuck here

listening 

to these fictional stories you weave

and patiently we sit

and wait for the never ending unreality. 

p.s: the bad times will end and the good ones will assume. 

random post.

i have this sudden urge to write. 

i feel all empty inside like there's this huge void inside me. i can't really explain to you why this void exists in the first place but it's just there you know. it makes me wanna burst out and cry. and i have not burst out and cry in a very long time.

drama has ended and so has creative project. i'm gonna miss drama especially the rides to and from the recital hall. sigh. and yes, i'm gonna miss those times when we would, after drama practices, would sit and talk at candles and laugh our asses off. creative project? glad that's over! 

i'm confused. i think that's the state i am in now. confused. i get confused easily. and then i'd get pissed for being confused. and then my heart starts beating crazily and i feel like punching someone and cry at the same time. it's confusing! 

i miss you. i really do. you're one of the reasons why i wanna burst out suddenly too.

my hormones been flying all over the place. ALL OVER. sigh. i guess i need to find myself. 

p.s: i. am. confused.

if i die young?

there was this one chapter or part in Mitch Albom's best-selling book, "Tuesdays with Morrie," where Morrie invited everyone he was close to and made a fake funeral. he was at the center of the room and everyone else was all around him. they took turns; they took turns saying what they thought of him. you know what was the rationale behind that gathering? it was so Morrie could hear what people would say about him. i think it was written in the story, "what's the point of having people that you know saying nice things about you when you aren't even there listening to what they're saying?"

that's a really good point actually. 

from the moment i read that part, i kept thinking about what people will say about me when i am gone. nice things? bad things? indifferent? so here i am giving you my readers an opportunity to write things about me. the only thing you have to do is to imagine that i am dead. you can write a comment, or write a new post on your blog (bajet i ni important in your life lah kan hahaha) or whatever else you can think of.

i know probably i would get one or two posts only but that would be better than nothing right? (the worst case scenario is that no one will write about me and that will like happen.)

so yeah, again, when i die, what is/are the thing(s) that you will miss most about me and the best memory(es) that you had with me?

p.s: please? i'm really curious.