Lonely Death.

I would have said "I Love You",

but my tongue won't let me.

My heart went crazy,

my mind went berserk,

all screaming and shouting;

"Boy, you are an idiot!"

Blame my tongue, I said,

but how can I utter those words

to a beauty so refined, so classy;

to an angel, heaven sent

- when I am just merely a human,

craving for a companion

in the form of a sweet creature, a person

of your stature. 

So I decide to let you go- 

though you are not mine;

to find someone better

and let my heart die a lonely death.

p.s: Totally random, I swear.

Gone?

I told you I would not forget

our memories together

fresh from my mind

you were holding me in our sleep

entwined- like we would never let go

of each other;

I cannot erase your smile,

or the taste of your lips on mine

-or your soft skin like smooth silk

covering me from harm;

I have given you a piece of me

that I will never get back

though you are gone-

memories of you are here to stay:

torturing me sweetly night and day;

Though you are gone

memories of you are here to stay

accompanying me to sleep becoming

sweet dreams and nightmares

that I have to live with 

- for eternity

p.s: "I'll love you long after you're gone, gone gone.

The End.

Here is a little note,

"I'm sorry, I'm an idiot."

p.s: Everything has its breaking point.

Yours.

There is kindness in your eyes,

and a sense of sweetness when you smile;

they calm me down

like I have been shot by an elephant tranquilizer,

I become extra giddy when you are around.

Your long, skinny arms wrapping themselves around me-

making me feel like,

as if I am home,

- safe and all warm

Your heart is as tall as you are,

as bright as the night sky; when lighted up by stars.

Your stubbornness kills me,

and your sense of logic sometimes too.

Oh, but when you make me happy:

You would lift me up high to the heavens and when

you make me sad,

you would push me deep into the ground,

burying me to the core.

You have no idea how much your smile;

those sparkles in your eyes,

mean to my heart,

and when your eyes sparkle and your lips curve upwards,

mine inadvertently follow suit;

to meet your demands

and to meet my demands.

p.s: The perks, and un-perks, of being loved and in love.

Plans and Lists for the Future.

I want a stable job that I love doing, that I do not regret getting up every morning or going back home late for. I want to be able to go to places that I have always wanted: New York, New Zealand, London, Mecca etc. I want to go to an exotic island and just chill and relax all by myself, play with the waves, and stuff. I want to bungee jump and sky dive and snorkel.

I want to go to poverty stricken countries and make a difference; like giving them books, educate the kids, give them food and water or anything. I want to leave a mark on Earth. I want to be remembered and not just fade into oblivion. 

I need a house for myself. An apartment would be nice- a combination of Monica's apartment from Friends, Hey Arnold's room and the Charmed Ones' front door and the loft of Jess, Nick, Schmidt and Winston. My house will definitely have a reading space with books that I will either finish or spend halfway reading. A nice kitchen like Jamie Oliver's Naked Chef would be perfect. I love that kitchen. It is small but you still can move around and bake and stuff. I would like to have people over sometimes and just spend time with me so I would not feel too lonely. 

I will buy my family our own little place; with a nice porch and lawn and yard where my nieces and I can play ball, a huge kitchen like the one in Chef At Home where my mum and sisters can cook great food, a t.v room where my dad and I can hangout and watch Astro and a game room where my brothers and I can spend time playing FIFA or something. The house will be big where everyone of us can stay together; each of us will have our own spaces for us to rule. 

I want a Range Rover, or a Kelisa. I want a cute and playful cat that will not poop and pee everywhere. I want to be able to buy new clothes and new books every month. I want to be fit and have a body like the guys on my Tumblr. I want to be able to be confident and flirt around like nobody's business. I want to have a fashion blog where I would take pictures of random and stylish people.

I want to be able to afford the life that I want to- that I have been dreaming to have.

p.s: And someone to come home to, everyday. 

p.s.s: Thanks for the inspiration, Ikah. :)

Cloud Atlas.

"Our lives are not our own."

That is one of the many lines in David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas. For those of you who do not know what Cloud Atlas is it is basically a story of how our lives are inter-connected and intertwined with each other, how our actions affect those we come into contact with, present and future. The story is more than just about love, it is about connection beyond that- beyond our understanding and comprehension, beyond our imagination, beyond our mind.

It is true that our lives are not our own. We do not own our own lives. Our lives are shared. We share our lives with people all around us: we breathe the same air, we walk on the same Earth, and we have more things in common with each other more so than we think. We touch other people's lives directly and indirectly, and their effects could last a lifetime- bridging past with the present and future. 

It is amazing how many lives we have touched and we will touch in our lifetime. No matter how much of a hermit you become, you will end up touching someone's life. The biggest proof that our lives do not belong to us is that we will die, and our lives will end. If you believe in religion and God, then that is where our lives will go. If you do not, then your soul will float somewhere and it ends, into oblivion.

We will be infinite and our lives will go on, our legacies, our memories, our effects, they will ripple through time but we will not be there to see them. And during that time, our lives will be past to them, not ours anymore but theirs.

"Our lives are not our own."

p.s: Borrowed.

School.

I am a teacher now, albeit a trainee one. I was nervous and the thoughts of teaching and facing teenage students scared me. The age divide thing, their interests, attitude and behavior, how they'd perceive me; used to be daunting thoughts haunting my mind day and night, but not anymore.

I smile and laugh at them for being young and naive, and I am jealous of their youth, their sense of freedom and lack of care for the things around them. I come into class wondering to myself at the journeys that I have crossed, and those journeys are the ones that they will take too. I come into class being arrogant, not because of my knowledge but knowing that whatever they are going to go through or what they are going through- I have gone through, and I survived. It makes me feel all giddy and cocky.

At times, I feel like I am a negative prick and I tend to be bitter about whatever that is being discussed in the classroom like: hopes, dreams, aspirations and goals. I would smile when they say they have goals in life and they know what they want to do and which road they want to take; well some of them. I was not one of those kids. When I was 16, I did not know what I wanted to be. I took life as it went. I used to be one of those who would wake up in the morning and just wanting to get the day done and over with. I am still like that most of the time.

Back when I was in school, teachers were aliens entering the classroom depositing knowledge into our empty shells and exited and the actions repeated over the course of the school semesters. Teachers nowadays take on more formal, stringent, restricted, guided, strict, rule-governed, limited, stressful, not fun, drowned-by-paperwork, roles in school. I mean, do not get me wrong. Some teachers are awesome but most teachers nowadays are just tired- burned out. Teachers are poor souls (though paid well. See the irony there?) being pushed around by people from higher grounds to do their dirty and complicated deeds. Some teachers just give up. 

The very same system that is shaping the future generations of the nation is also the very same one that could potentially and ultimately destroy our chances for a better future. Have you ever thought of that?

p.s: Trying to make a difference.