memories.

as life goes on and we are able to breathe for one more day, have we ever woken up one day and just look back on our lives?

i'm 21 this year and sadly, i have never done such a thing. maybe, just maybe, i should be doing more of that you know. wakeup and just think and ponder about the past. smile, laugh, cry. 

looking back into the past and realizing that i have been living for 20 years and 3 months and it seems just yesterday that i was growing up, the innocent me playing and fooling around with schoolmates, crying about not getting what i want, fighting over the remote with my siblings, smiling over simple yet funny things. 

now things are becoming just too complicated. 

life's a mess. my head's a mess. my soul's restless.

i have not been reading for a while now. i miss reading. i miss the joys of picking up a book and just read from chapter to chapter without the feeling of boredom creeping into me slowly. 

i miss not thinking too much. i miss being carefree. i miss, the simpler times. 

i miss YOU.

damn it i miss YOU.

but this post is just not about YOU only, it's about all those things in the past that i miss. things that i will never ever experience again. that's the thing about things being in the past. no matter how much you're grabbing hold of it, it keeps slipping off of our grabs and it seems to disappear bit by bit. bit by bit. 

and later on, all they become are memories. memories we talk, fret and discussed a million times over. memories that we never ever can have back. memories. 

and then we start missing them. and then we think about them. and then we laugh, smile and cry over them.

and for 20 years and 3 months i have been living, it surprises me as to how much things in the past that i am missing of right now.

p.s: moving on is so hard. 

you are not alone.

do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again? asked katy perry in her song fireworks.

honest to God i've never felt like a plastic bag before. not now, not ever. i don't feel like i'm a plastic bag. plastic bags are useful. very. though they kinda destroy the environment because of their inability to be biodegradable but that's not their fault.

even plastic bags have their functions.

my real question is, have you ever felt alone even when you're surrounded by gazillions of people? even when you smile and laugh and be happy but you still feel as if there's this one part in you that's decomposing and becoming poison in your brain and this poison is stuck within you until one day, one day when you are really ready, it will be cured?

ready for what you say?

ready to let go. ready to let go of everything that has ever happened. letting go of those what ifs and what could've been questions and just get on with one's freakin life. easier said than done. you're at this phase, this stage of your life whereby you feel sensitive with just about anything.

you become so analytical that almost all simple things become complicated. life sucks at this phase. you feel as if you're the worst person in the world, feeling miserable and lonely whereas millions of other people feel the same way. but do you have the right to feel that way? yes of course you do. it's your freakin life!

we all go through this stage. this stage that's not really moving on. we are walking but we are dragging things we don't really need along the way. so maybe it is time to let go of those things that has been dragging you all this while and find some new and probably nicer things along the journey.

p.s: please be positive. we live only once.

literate

i wish i am literate. 

not in the sense of reading. i know i am literate. what i want is, i wish i can be more literate. being able to see things way beyond what others can see, feel what others can't, understand things most people find hard to fathom.

literate here meaning being able to read between the lines. being able to write things people never thought of. being able to say things people would actually remember-saying things worth remembering. behaving appropriately. writing things people will discuss and ponder for as long as mankind reads and the literature pieces survive.

yes, i wanna be that literate.

p.s: i shall train myself to be more literate.

no one.

i don't deserve anyone. i end up hurting them if i do. i have a problem and that is appreciating the things i have. i should be more thankful. i must.

i don't know, i have tried really but someone always ends up getting hurt. pleasing people is so hard. but people seem to not be pleasing me. karma? yeah i guess.

life can get pretty lonely at times. 

i really think that i don't deserve anyone because they'll get hurt. 

p.s: writing's been very difficult for me. END.

talking.

talking about something is a great way to let your frustrations out. talking about frustrations is especially wonderful when you are talking to a bunch of people who understand how you feel. 

talking about

love

death

life

lecturers

dreams

frustrations

and the list goes on and on. talking is therapeutic. it really is. you just talk and talk and talk and there is someone there who would listen to your ramblings and you just keep on talking and talking. some people are quiet but they talk to their minds. then, some people are out loud because they are more outspoken. 

i am kinda the second one and kinda the first one.

talking about something does not solve anything yes it doesn't but it does help in lifting up this load off our shoulders. 

but some things are better left unsaid though. i know this is kinda ironic me writing about talking then i proceed on by saying that some things are better left unsaid. that's where common sense comes in. talking but not about everything. pick and choose. be wise when you speak. think before you speak. which most of us fail at doing. terribly fail.

ok, i am rambling.

all i'm saying is or rather, trying to say is, talking is good, for me. i don't know about anyone else, but yeah i find comfort in talking. and also writing.

p.s: but i think i've lost the flare in writing. this is BAD. 

thank you literature.

literature, thank you. thank you for coloring my life.

thank you for the awesome imaginations you have bestowed upon me.

thank you for everything. 

because honestly literature, without you, I think my life would make less sense.

well then again, sometimes literature doesn't make sense too but who cares.

thank you literature for making me, forcing me to think outside the box. 

thank you.

thank you for giving me the chance to be able to understand myself more and the people I have around me, and also the surroundings I am in.

thank you.

I wish I could write as well as Poe, Rowling and Frost, but I'm still very far.

I haven't have much experience with life but whatever experience I have, that will be, or is my literature. 

so thank you dear literature. you're very kind to me. you make me see things in a whole different light. thank you for sharing the past and present and future with me. thank you for making me believe things that I never would have thought of ever believing. 

thank you for the journeys, taking me to places where I can't go, or haven't go or had gone to. thanks for the wonderful and beautiful and ugly and evil characters. thank you for the feelings and emotions. thank you for helping me say things that or else I won't have be able to think of by myself. 

but most of all literature, thank you for being there when I needed you the most. thank you.

I love you dear literature.

expectations and moving on

what we expect isn't always the same as how it turns out, most of the time. 

like for example, a breakup that's bound to happen. for days, months, years even, you can feel the ending nearing closer, and you actually expected that it will happen and when it does, there comes this unspeakable and mysterious feelings that you didn't expect would come and attack you. 

we know breakup would be bad, even when the breakup is meant to save both parties involved but when it actually happens, you may never know how you'd feel about it until the moment comes to you.

you think you'd be strong and you'd be able to go through it without shedding a single tear but that's actually crap ok? you were in love with that person please do not lie and tell the whole world that you won't be missing that person. we expect that we would be ok in a few days time, or a week, or a month, but sometimes that sadness and other emotional upsets get carried away until you finally realize that it is time to move on.

and another thing, some people think that moving on is easy. it hardly ever is. it is easier said than done. moving on is hard because it is indeed human nature to hold on to something that is familiar to us. when that familiarity leave us, our guards are up, our insecurities rise and everything comes falling apart and we are forced to start all over. 

we put on smiles and people expect that we'd be ok but that never really does happen. we are moving on and yet we are still holding on to every bits and pieces of the memories we once had with the ones we love. just let us hold on to those pieces and store them in our hearts and minds because we never one to forget those people who loved us.

i'm moving on but not entirely.

p.s: expectation kills sometimes.