reality check

this is a reality check. 

i didn't come from a wealthy family. in fact, my family's the total opposite. i guess i look wealthy to some people from the way i carry myself and because i speak english quite fluently. from first impression i may seem to have come from a well-to-do family. the fact of a matter is, i'm not. my family is not wealthy. we're broke. 

i get jealous of my friends who are able to drive around, buy things, eat nice food, whose family can support him/her. my family, they can support me but not as much. i have to work my arse off. the thing is i know where my family stand and i don't ask from them money. i asked from my elder brother some money the other day and he said he hadn't got any to spare and he said he'd give some to me if he had any. until today he hasn't given me a cent. i don't ask from him often. after 3 years of studying, that was the first time i've asked from him money. after that his wife went to update her status by saying

"eh tak malu ke nak mintak-mintak bagai. kalau i malu lah."

i don't know if that status is directed to me or someone else but after reading it my heart was cut. i'm his brother. i deserve a little bit, not much. i don't ask for much, just enough to survive. i don't think i'll be asking for money from him anymore i guess. 

i rarely talk to people about my family because what's the point of talking about my family's negatives right? i just talk to certain few people about them. 2 people actually. i may look happy and smiling and laughing on the outside but in the inside, my mind's thoughts are running wildly and i'm worried constantly. 

studying is the only avenue to help my family. i'm doing it now. but i feel like i'm slipping away. i'm tired. really i am. there are times i feel like giving up but if i do, what's going to happen to my family? so i pull myself back up and i'd move along.

people think i'm thrifty. maybe i am. i am thrifty for a reason. i am thrifty because i am really careful with the way i spend my money. i don't shop. really i don't. the things you see me wear, i own, for the most part, were given to me by someone. i am thankful for that particular person's presence in my life. if it weren't for that someone, i don't think i'd ever own half the things i have now. 

because in reality, i can't afford all those things. or my family can't afford all those things. the amount of money that we have is just enough to live, for food and shelter and bills and other expanses. no extra. 

my future's not secure financially. i'm really scared of the future. who isn't? but the fact that i'm not secured financially scares me even more. who's gonna help me when i wanna start a new life? 

i know while you're reading this you must feel like i'm just being pathetic and whiny but please forgive me, i have been carrying this burden for far too long. i don't really know who i can turn to to help me, to just listen to what i'm feeling and shit. 

i've cried over this before through the phone when i was talking to that someone. i cried. and i cried and i cried because i'm scared of the future. i don't own anything. there's nothing with my name on. if i were to start to build a life for myself and my family, i'd have to start from scratch. 

but i'm thankful. i keep reminding myself that there are other people who are in worse conditions than i am in right now. at least i get to eat once a day (at least) and i don't have to beg for money (not yet anyways) and that i have the chance to pursue my studies. what's life without challenges right? this is mine and i have to face it. there are always ways to overcome things. afterall, God won't give us challenges that we can't handle right? He's fair and He knows what's best for His creations. one day i'll figure out what His plans were for me.

if i feel like life's being unfair to me, i'd just think about the other people who are in harder situations than i am. life is afterall fair. fair to me is balanced. when i'm happy someone's sad, if i'm broke someone's rich, if i'm lucky someone's unlucky, if i'm alive someone's dead. 

see, life is fair because it's balanced not because it is just or equal. things are never equal in my opinion. there are balanced in my point of view. 

so we should all be thankful with what we have. if we want to change, we have to work hard for the change. but first and foremost, we should be thankful and grateful.

i'm sorry if this post is depressing. i just need to let it out of my system before i burst. let me repeat, this is a reality check.

p.s: there are more to things than meet they eyes.