realisation(s) on being single

i got up from my bed, opened the bedroom door and headed to the toilet. at the sink, i saw my tired face, eye-bags and all reflected in the mirror. i opened the tap and cold water came rushing out of it. i cupped some of the cold, chilling water on my palms and splashed my face with it. suddenly, my brain started working somehow and a really, really poignant, significant, impactful realisation hit me.

i'm just not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone right now, or for the next few months or even years perhaps. i just realise i just need people to accompany me during some lonely times that i will face. i don't need to tie myself down to someone or be with someone just because i am lonely. i think that's a pathetic excuse to be with someone. people will ask you, "so what made you want to be with him/her?" so you start conjuring sweet, sweet lies to cover the bitter truth that you were lonely at that time and most likely vulnerable too so every moment or opportunity you have or had, to secure a "relationship" with someone you will definitely take and voila! now you're in a relationship and probably thinking of ways to get out of it. (oh honestly i've been here and when the tables got turned, it hurt so bad. but that's a different story, one you've heard too many of a time).

so what made me realise? i don't know. maybe the cold water kicked some neurons' asses that finally made some sense in my mind that i don't really need anyone right now. i mean i admit, it's cool and nice and secure and fulfilling to have that special someone to talk to during the middle of the night, someone who'd constantly utter those three words other people are dying to hear and say, someone to call you sweet things, someone who you know will be there for you, who'd make your phone come to life again with constant beepings and other sounds or soundtracks or ringtones and the list goes on but like i said, maybe i don't really need all of these right now. i mean, it'd be nice to have these things again like i used to but it has become more of a want than a need. i want and i need are two totally different concepts to me. i can live without what i want but i definitely cannot live without what i need. so, do you see the concepts here? need i explain further? no? ok.

maybe the reason why i don't want to get myself involved in a relationship for now is because i haven't found anyone decent really. decent. decency. so, so, so hard to find a decent person nowadays. ok i'm lying. it's not just decency i'm talking about here. mostly my standards. i'm pretty picky and i have my standards (don't look and judge me. i know you do too!) and i know i'm in no position to be picky, but why can't i? why can't i be picky and choose what's best and right for me? the other question would be, how would i know if the person's the best and right one? well, that my dear friends, i'll leave up to my heart (and mind) to decide. but that will come later when (IF) i've met "the one". looking for someone has become tiring. meeting people hasn't become as exciting as it used to be. i mean, i'm still interested in meeting new people but it's no longer interesting. plus with the whole "everyone's on the net" thing, kinda makes meeting people more challenging because you know, exposure is everything and pictures play a huge part and what you think is also open and how you charm people online is different. i mean, this is just online, think about the amount of work you have to do to impress the person when meeting face-to-face for the first time (cue The Script's For The First Time though it's an inappropriate song to be played on this slot).

searching for someone that fits my criteria of an ideal partner has become so tiring and frustrating that right now i'm just sailing on the ship single-guy-ahoy and enjoying little and short trips on tiny, insignificant islands before maybe, maybe, finding or settling down on some unchartered mainland somewhere in the horizon (such hyperbolism there. hyberbolism. is there such word?). so i'm just taking my time you know, getting to know people, rejecting, getting rejected. the cycle goes round and round. maybe i should become less picky and lower my expectations and standards. ok. no. lowering standards, no. lowering expectations, yes. yes, life is not a movie. there's not gonna be that one charming person who suddenly walks into your life and charms the pants off of you and you end up falling in love and after facing some ridiculously lewd and shrewd and simple-yet-you-make-it-so-dramatic-and-complex climax and issues, you end up being happy in the end. no, life's not like that. a lot of people wish it is, but it's not. it's tough, life. it's unfair, life. so, instead of waiting around for someone charming, why don't you and i, we practice the art of being charming and charm other people and be that charming person instead? or better yet, just don't go looking around. just, do your own thing, you and i, and maybe that charming person would come by and stay in your life and mine. who knows? they (whoever "they" are) say that the best things in life come when you don't go looking so maybe, we should all stop looking but this will only happen when we don't realise that we have actually stopped looking. see the psychological game there?

i don't know where i'm going with this honestly. i thought this post was going to be short but i have a lot more things to type than i had anticipated. 

a relationship is nice to have. it is. especially with someone you can connect so well with, so, so well with. and i lost my point whilst deleting the line before i typed this one down. anyways, maybe this time around being single is the best thing for me. chasing people just so i could be in a relationship with them is just so, needy and desperate. i don't want to be needy and desperate (been there done that. ain't pretty). yes, i do admit to complaining about being single and how lonely it gets but being lonely is a part of being single. it's the most tragic thing about being single but think about the other positive things about being single. yes, i'm justifying my singularity (i don't know if this word can be used in this context) but who says justifying what and how you feel is wrong? reality is perception and this is my perception, what i believe best for myself and hence, being single is best for now, and best for me. my unicorn is a unicorn without another unicorn. my unicorn for now is a realistic unicorn who now possesses a less dreamlike quality about love and a more, earth-shattering, realistically mind-blowing expectations, grounded kinda love. and plus i don't think i'm ready to love anyone yet you know. love is just so, confusing of a concept for me to grasp and understand right now. i have so many different interpretations of love in my own mind that it's scary and daunting. so, yes. until my concept of love has been decided upon or my views on love has returned to its original state, maybe then i'll consider about being in love and in a relationship.

another thing, i'm just not ready to jump into another commitment when i have other commitments to look out for. yes, i do wish sometimes it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with at night, someone who'd hold your hand while watching a movie in the cinema, someone who'd stop by and give you a peck on the cheek or kiss you secretly in the dark on the lips; all of these are ideals: ideals that i will have to live without for now. life ain't so bad being single. just got to get used to the loneliness sometimes and the aching, moaning heart. other than that, you're fine being single. i'm fine being single. i'm going to be fine. there will be emotional breakdowns and shit, but hey, this doesn't only happen to single people, people in relationships face this too. so relax, take a chill pill. be happy with life. there's only one to live with and by.  plus, being in love and in a relationship are not the most important things right now. so why fret about it?


love will come. sooner or later. whenever it will come. surprise, or not. it will. it's just that for now, i don't believe it will as soon as i'd love for it to come. but i still do have faith that it will. a tiny hope in me remains, but largely now i'm a skeptic who's just fooling around with the word 'love' and the ideas and notions that it carries along. 

p.s: please, please, if i do complain about being single, remind me to read this blog post again.