daniel and jake

the night was warm, it was summer after all. Daniel paced up and down his room trying to calm his thoughts down. his heart was racing. he didn't know what to do because it seemed like everything he did was wrong, or weird. he felt incomplete. he could feel the emptiness in his heart, the aching pain, the numbing effect it has on his entire soul. his eyes were watery. it was all his fault. that's why it felt so bad, this pain. it was all because of Daniel. he brought it upon himself, on Jake and their relationship. Daniel's guilt caused him pain as well. 

all he wanted was a chance to sit down and talk with Jake and settle things through; make things alright again. Jake hadn't returned his calls, his DMs nor his text messages. Daniel felt guilty for ruining things- for being such a paranoid psychopath that caused Jake to distance himself from Daniel. Daniel sat on the edge of his bed and cried again. that's all he'e been doing lately before he went to sleep: cry. it's painful and calming at the same time. it made his heart less heavy though it's empty. 

what can i do, what can i do, Daniel thought to himself. 

Daniel moved to his study table, switched on his table lamp, took out a piece of paper and began writing. like a robot, he scribbled some words on the empty piece of paper and slowly, the paper was filled with sentences representing what Daniel was feeling.

"i miss you. i miss us. i miss everything that we had. i am sorry for ruining things. i am tired of this. i am tired of chasing, are you not tired of running? i love you. come back to me, please? we deserve another shot."

Daniel stopped writing. what was this he was reading? only a few sentences and yet it sounded weak and pathetic; so unlike himself, he thought. Daniel crumpled the piece of paper and threw it into the dustbin and he switched off the table lamp. slowly, he walked to his bed and laid down and stared at the ceiling, his thoughts replaying every bit and pieces of conversations he had with his friends. 

"give it time and space."

"if things are meant to be, things will happen."

"why don't you just wait? don't try too hard. it'll just push him away. you'll probably end up with a pleasant surprise. who knows? but don't hope."

"move on Daniel. you deserve someone better. someone who'll appreciate your effort and energy and one who accepts you the way you are. someone who completes you."

Daniel thought about those things. then, he heard his own conscience speaking.

"hey you, things will get better, they will. just be strong for yourself. do not pull yourself down because of this. there are other things to look forward to and there are other things that could make you happy. toughen up kid. you're not young anymore. time's ticking. you deserve happiness just like everyone else. i know you miss him, i miss him too but you have to keep in mind that he's moving on and so should you. i know you still have feelings for him. keep them but don't let them override you. it's not worth it. i'm sure Jake doesn't want to see you like this. i'm sure other people don't want to see you like this too.

don't let your heart do the thinking now. Jake has found someone new. why don't you go out on dates too? you're not ready? then, just be happy being single. take your time to heal yourself. didn't one of your friends say that to you? don't force yourself. 

if he's really the one for you he'll come back. if he isn't, then you deserve someone better. take a breather, chill for a while. don't think too much. do what you have to do to survive but don't let the thoughts of Jake ruin you. you're better than this. you are. stop chasing. stop, breathe, look around you. take a different road. it's time to go. it's time.

he's not coming back to you now. he is not. just accept that fact. it hurts. it really does but there's nothing much you can do about it. don't push him. the harder you push, the further away he'll move away from you. remember how you said, things work both ways? it applies in this situation too you know. he's doing it and so should you, i mean the being happy part and moving on. the pain will go away if you allow it too. the pain will go away in time. i know you still want to be friends with you but now's not the time. his hurt too. you have to remember that. you're not the only one who's hurting. he is too. give him space and time to heal as well.  

Jake will learn to miss you. give him time. 

oh and by the way, don't hope. hope kills."

with that, Daniel's mind shut off. he stared blankly at his ceiling and suddenly he heard his phone ringing. guess who's name appeared on the screen? Daniel smiled and left the phone ringing until he fell asleep. 

p.s: i am brave enough. brave enough.